Couples Talking: Settle into a Different Kind of Warmth

Couples are often distressed about quarreling, arguing and general feelings of spite within their relationship and it is no wonder. Right now, the world is topsy-turvy and unsettling. If you are looking for some stability in your relationship, here are some pointers to keep in mind that help you warm up your conversations, stay away from stale or unsolvable issues and move forward in your trust, closeness and excitement with each other.

Three simple ways you can improve what is going on in your relationship right now is to echo, affirm and acknowledge. Begin conversations by echoing what your partner last said, or what you remember bothering him or her when they last spoke with you (perhaps before leaving for work or returning home or at his parent’s home 3 days ago). Whatever you recall being important to your spouse, echo that. Here is an example:

ECHO

Spouse: “I can’t believe my father didn’t get my mother her birthday present this year. He’s so unthoughtful.”

You: “It seems harsh that your dad wasn’t thinking about her birthday.”

AFFIRM

Spouse: “Yeah. He’s an awful man.”

You: “I wouldn’t want my dad to forget mom’s birthday. It seems so out of character for your dad.”

ACKNOWLEDGE

Spouse: “That is really strange. He always remembers. I wonder what he has on his mind. I’ll have to talk with him about it.”

You: “You might find some clarity that way. When did you want to go over?”

When you echo your spouse’s words you are not repeating the words exactly. You are trying to make clear how you understood their words and that you are listening. If you echo incorrectly, it gives opportunity for them to clarify.

When you affirm, you state in a basic way that what they are thinking and feeling makes sense- not that you necessarily agree with their stance. This way, your spouse knows you are listening.

When you acknowledge, you are in agreement with their decision, reiterate that they need some further insights, and then show support. With this example above you could drive over with them, hold supper until they return, or add further insights, “I know your mom said she was playing bridge with the ladies’ group tonight- it sounds like a good night to go over and talk with your dad.”

If you focus on standing by your spouse instead of having a difference of opinion or standing for your rights, you focus on building connection, warmth and trust. The goal is connection. You will always disagree on somethings. You will sometimes agree on a few things. Your goal is to improve the relationship, feel closer and build trust--not win your argument.