The CPR Tool: Transforming Feedback Conversations and Relationships

I have been friends with my friend Filip for 27 years now. For 25 of those years, I would consistently show up late at whatever restaurant we were meeting. The only thing is, that I didn't consider myself to be late because, "Is 15 minutes later than the agreed-on time, or late?" For me, I considered that being on time. For 25 years, Filip would say, "You're late," and I would laugh and tell him something along the lines of, "You need to relax." So, safe to say that his feedback, "You're late," did not work for 25 years. But 2 years ago, that changed when he said, "Sarah, when you're late, I feel hurt. To me, it's like you always have somewhere more important to be than here." That made such an impact on me that I'm now always 15 minutes early for our date. So what changed? He finally gave me the right feedback.

Feedback is a powerful tool for personal growth and improving relationships, but not all feedback is created equal. In my journey with Filip, I learned the importance of using the CPR tool for effective feedback conversations. CPR stands for Content, Patterns, and Relationship, and it can make a world of difference in how feedback is received and acted upon.

Content: The What

The first element of the CPR tool is "Content." This refers to what is actually being said in the feedback. In my case, Filip's initial feedback, "You're late," was vague and didn't provide much insight into how my actions were affecting him. It left me feeling defensive and dismissive because I didn't understand the impact of my behavior.

Effective feedback should be specific and focused on behavior or actions. Filip's revised feedback, "When you're late, I feel hurt. It's like you always have something more important to do," was clear and specific. It helped me understand the consequences of my actions on our relationship. When giving feedback, be sure to address the behavior or situation in a way that the recipient can grasp and relate to.

Patterns: The How Often

The second element of the CPR tool is "Patterns." This involves looking at the consistency or recurrence of the behavior. In my case, I had been consistently late for 25 years, and Filip had been consistently giving me the same feedback. However, the feedback wasn't effective because it didn't address the pattern of behavior.

To make feedback more impactful, consider discussing the pattern of behavior and its impact over time. Are there recurring themes or habits that need to be addressed? Identifying patterns can help the recipient see the bigger picture and the need for change.

Relationship: The Why

The third and crucial element of the CPR tool is "Relationship." This involves understanding the emotional and relational context of the feedback. Filip's revised feedback didn't just focus on my behavior; it delved into the emotional impact on our friendship. He expressed how my actions made him feel hurt and undervalued, which touched on the emotional aspect of our relationship.

When giving feedback, it's essential to consider how the behavior affects the relationship between the giver and the recipient. Expressing emotions and sharing the impact of the behavior on the relationship can create a deeper understanding and motivation for change.

In conclusion, my journey with Filip taught me the power of using the CPR tool for effective feedback conversations. Content, Patterns, and Relationship are essential elements to consider when providing feedback that leads to meaningful change. By addressing the "what," "how often," and "why" of the behavior, feedback can become a catalyst for personal growth and stronger relationships.

So, every day when you're making your to-do list of the day, add the question: "What conversation should I be having with whom?" And use the CPR tool to identify the right conversation that you need to be having. This simple habit can transform the way you communicate, understand others, and ultimately build stronger connections with those around you. Remember, effective feedback isn't just about the words you use; it's about the impact you create and the positive change you inspire in yourself and others.

Linkedin Live

I recently hosted a LinkedIn Live session on this topic last Thursday, delving into valuable insights. In case you missed the live action, no worries! You can catch up and watch the recording here. Your feedback and thoughts are always welcome!

See you next week for a new topic on my LinkedIn Live where I'll be talking about Inclusion & Diversity.