The Darkness of December: Frozen by Fear

This article is going to be extremely personal and vulnerable. I know before even writing it I’ll be tempted not to post it. But I’m hoping my sharing will help someone else to see what maybe right now they cannot.

Too often we fail to openly discuss these types of challenges. The more they remain hidden from view, the lonelier we feel and the harder it becomes to address them. I am committed to shining the light on topics that important to humanity but are often avoided, ignored, or outright discouraged.

I hope by sharing this, it will help others notice how their past experiences might be impacting their current reality, without them realizing it. And most importantly, to know that there is hope and healing available to them.

My Story of Darkness in December

For me, December is shrouded in darkness, and I don’t just mean literally—the days are shorter and it’s dark outside much longer. (Albeit this surely doesn’t help, as Seasonal Affective Disorder is a very real challenge for the human body). Rather, I have a lengthy history of depressing Decembers filled with tragedy, trauma, and pain.

But I only just recognized this pattern.

For the past few years, as soon as I hit Thanksgiving, my body started falling into a freeze state. My body literally begins going into a frozen state of dissociation.

In this state, I find myself being excessively tired, struggling to get out of bed, take action, and generally engage in daily life activities. I feel particularly drawn to anything that can help me numb myself. I’ve been alcohol free for a few years, so for me this means food, social media, binging shows, shopping and art projects.

When this first started happening, I had no idea what was going on. I thought it must be depression or a health issue. But given my study of the neuroscience of human performance, I am now able to recognize when my body is dysregulated and in a freeze state.

But just because I can recognize when I’m in a freeze state doesn’t mean it’s easy to shift out of it. My body is unconsciously putting me into this state because it believes it’s necessary for my survival.

I don’t consciously choose to enter freeze. My body’s neural patterns trigger this state because it is detecting something it believes is a threat to my survival. My body has stored this pattern and is simply activating it each year.

But I had never noticed the pattern before or made the connection between the freeze state and my past experiences. Which meant no matter what I tried to do to fight against it or overcome it, I failed.

Often when I suddenly see a pattern in my life, I find myself quite flabbergasted that I had not noticed it before.

Isn’t it funny how once you see something, you can’t unsee it?

But before you see it, before it is brought to your awareness, you might have missed it dozens of times before.

This lack of awareness is the result of our body's neurophysiological processes that are trying to filter out information it sees as unnecessary in order to make space for the information it deems important to our survival.

Our conscious brains just can’t handle all the information we are exposed to every moment of every day. To make sense of it all, it builds neural pathways or patterns that we can use repeatedly rather than need to consciously consider our actions every time.

Here's a quick story to highlight this:

Yesterday, I worked with my son on learning to tie his shoes. As I tried to instruct him, I discovered that I really didn’t consciously “know” the steps anymore. The action is so embedded in my neural connections that I don’t even think about the steps at all. My hands just do it for me and my mind can be on something else entirely.

To make matters worse, my son is left-handed, and I am right-handed, so I was having to flip my instructions from my natural way of doing it. Unsurprisingly, as my son kept trying and failing, he became frustrated, as we all were the first time we learned, and began getting upset. But I knew, not knowing how to do it is what is frustrating him the most and everyone must go through the messy middle of learning it.

I realized if he mirrored my actions across from him that it would work best since he’s left-handed and I’m right-handed. Then, I told him, “We don’t need your brain to know the steps. We just need your hands to do them.”

I showed him that I could do it with my eyes closed because my hands knew what to do. As a result, he decided that he would close his eyes. A decision I did not expect to work out well. But ironically, it did. Without the pressure of seeing the steps, he could feel his way through them perfectly!

I share this story because it’s so relatable and a perfect example of embodied patterns. Once we learn this pattern, we never forget it. Every time we go to tie our shoes, our hands can do it seamlessly, even blindly!

Likewise, my pattern of being “frozen in fear” every dark December became so embedded that my body would enter it automatically. I would find myself doing things like eating or binging shows and not understanding why I couldn’t just stop.

Why couldn’t I just "will" or "make" myself do something different?

Try this Exercise:

To experience this on a much smaller scale for yourself, try to tie your shoes using the opposite (non-dominant) hand. Or try writing your name with your non dominant hand— it takes so much effort and even when you do it, it’s not very good.

That’s how I felt every time I tried to overcome these embedded past patterns of being stuck in a freeze state. If I willed myself out of it, I could only do it for a little while before my body would take control again.

Why did I develop this pattern?

You might be wondering why my body developed this pattern in the first place. Why did my body decide a freeze state in December is essential to my survival?

As I’ve learned more about trauma, I’ve begun working with Kara Kalin at ShiftChange, working with her EMDR protocols. Through this education, I’ve begun looking at my life through a trauma-informed lens. It suddenly struck me that I had a legacy of traumas in December over the previous few decades.

I want to give you a sense of the traumas my body has endured in December which has led to its determination that I need to be in a freeze state to survive this month. Here are just a few of them:

• A 4-year relationship ending after my partner relapsed on drugs during my winter law school exams.
• After meeting my then boyfriend's (now husband's) parents for the first time, his father became ill with cancer and passed away three weeks later (one week before Christmas).
• A major work-related betrayal by a senior leader I considered a mentor.
• A serious health issue experiencing chronic hives, swelling, and ultimately anaphylaxis that led to an ER visit and multiple epinephrine shots. Followed by a miscarriage on Christmas Day.
• Pregnant with my twins in my first trimester experiencing extreme exhaustion and nausea that kept me bed-bound for weeks.
• Massive betrayal by a close colleague and leaving a job I absolutely loved.
• Gallbladder issues requiring surgery.

And this list is only a few of the biggest challenges.

It’s hard to believe I didn’t see the pattern before but that’s the thing about embodied responses—they are unconscious and hard to see on our own. Even harder if we aren’t engaging in self-reflection and don't have partners who can mirror what they see back to us.

Gaining Awareness Sheds Light in the Darkness

I felt like a lightbulb had suddenly turned on and cast light amidst the darkness. Just recognizing it won’t fix it, but seeing it is the first step towards healing.

Most importantly, I could see that my body wasn’t failing me as I often feel when I am frustrated feeling so stuck in freeze. Rather, my body has been trying to protect me from the pain.

My body learned through those many experiences that around this time, painful experiences happen.

To reduce the impact of this pain—emotional or physical—my body chose to go into a freeze state to protect me from the pain.

My body has been trying to help me not have to feel pain that might cause me to want my life to end. Instead, my body has been directing me to dissociate and disconnect from it. In other words, to enter a freeze state.

I must be clear here at this point: I am not saying the pain is literally so severe that I would actually end my life. Rather, I am saying my body is reacting as if it is in order to protect me from a perceived risk.

What can we do?

It's really important to recognize that I do not have to accept and live with this pattern now that I know it’s there. I can instead choose to reprocess my traumas and move them through and out of my body.

Here are the three steps we must take:

1. First, I needed to become aware of and recognize the pattern and dysregulated state my body was putting me into to protect me from pain.
2. Second, I need to move the embedded traumas out of my body. I can do this by doing EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) sessions to reprocess and allow my body the opportunity to release the stored stress and patterns.
3. Third, I must create a new pattern for my body that still provides the safety it needs. I will rewire my neural pathways to create the wisest way of being moving forward for me. By accessing, aligning, and applying my head, heart, and gut brains together, I can identify a better way of being for the future.

Rather than falling into freeze and being frozen by the fear of potential pain, I will instead come out prepared to survive in a wiser way using my full intelligences.

How can you relate this to your life?

Now, I want you to take a moment to reflect on your life and patterns. You may or may not experience a freeze state like I described previously, as your pattern. Instead, you might find yourself in any of the following dysregulated state:

• You might be in a fight state, get into arguments, feel angry, frustrated, and be highly reactive.
• You might go into a flight state, where you run away and avoid certain situations or people. Possibly even avoiding everything and everyone.
• You might go into a fawn state, where you try to please everyone around you and keep them happy. Where you avoid conflict, suppress your needs, prioritize others, and even lose your own identity.

Your pattern might be triggered by a time of year, type of relationship, particular sensory experience, stress level, or anything that relates to your experience of trauma.

What I need you to know and do...

I decided to share my story because the shared experience of darkness in December is pretty common. I know there are others out there right now who are struggling with their own reactions, emotions, and experiences. Those that are struggling may or may not recognize how much their past patterns and traumas may be impacting their present experience.

If this applies to you, if you are noticing your own embodied reaction and patterns:

• First, I want to let you know you are not alone. You are not the only one struggling and, you don’t have to be alone in your struggles.
• I also want to extend an offer of compassion for you and your experience. The darkness of December is hard and navigating the hurt can feel overwhelming, no matter the details of your particular experience.
• I want you to know, your feelings are valid, and your body is doing the best it knows how to protect you from pain, even when it sometimes feels like it’s betraying you.
• I want you to recognize you don’t have to remain stuck in the cycle or pattern of your past. You can choose to face the pain and stress stored in your body and move it out.

Most Importantly...whether you seek out a therapist, coach, or friend, I urge you to talk to someone.

If you have no one right now, then please consider this an open invitation to reach out to me! I know I’ve needed my closest relationships to navigate these experiences and without them I’d be totally lost. Don't hesitate to message me on LinkedIn or email me directly.

Finally, if you are struggling with a recent trauma or stressful experience, consider checking out ShiftChange and their EMDR Assyst protocol. It’s an anonymous, virtual, group EMDR session that allows you to reprocess your recent traumas without requiring you to talk about them and with the support necessary.

As I have participated in these sessions I've experienced a powerful transformation in my body. Each session I have leaves me feeling a little lighter and freer from the chains of trauma and stress that I carry in my body from my past.