"Darling Don't Go"-A Father's Dilemma

Daughters are also connected to fathers through the umbilical cord. Mothers feed them food, fathers feed love. Mothers cut it at birth, fathers carry it for life.

"Dear Supriya, my lovely daughter, I am writing our story. Sorry, this time I am writing it openly because it is not just our story. It is the story of many fathers and their daughters. It is not just an emotional story. It is a dilemma faced by every father & every daughter. I have valuable connections here on LinkedIn and they would refine my thoughts by adding value and questioning my misconceptions, if any, though you always humbly questioned & politely disapproved of a few of them in your graceful style. Affection, humility, obedience, & grace are central to your personality. But you were always required to be convinced. You like to discuss issues & hate being told what to do. I feel you & I are positive & negative poles in many aspects but this opposite polarity remains the force of attraction. Many times in our argument you told me that 'you accept though don't agree with me'. When I asked for the reason, you always told me, "Papa, I accept only because I love you & don't want to make you disheartened." That is you. Thank you dear for creating a bridge of emotions. Your grandfather (my father) always referred to you as my attorney in all debates. Hahaha. Sorry, since childhood you don't like to be debated, criticized and praised publicly. In your view those are interpersonal.

Daughters accept fathers decisions though they don't agree with all. It is their way to show their immense love & empathy.

Coming to point, I used to wonder why your grandfather (my father-in-law) wanted all his 4 daughters to get married in his city, Mumbai suburb. I understood the reason only when you were born. Looking at the shape of the tummy of your pregnant mother, an obstetrician told us she was carrying a boy. We refused to do sonography to identify gender. We got you because christ wanted to shower his love on us through you. He couldn't stay with us so he sent his lamb to us. It was so much fun to be your father. I enjoyed your childhood as much as you enjoyed it.

I grew up with you & re-lived my childhood. You provided me reasons to rush back home from my international & domestic tours for work. When you were just a 2-year old kid, you used to cry a lot when your mom & I went to the office. I told you why we were working. You understood it but could never digest it. I taught you to say, "Go but come back soon." You use to say it every day in the way we would listen, "Papa don't go..." Now I can imagine what it means to stay at somebody else's home for hours, just waiting for your parents to come back & take you home. But slowly you developed your family at the daycare center. You developed the art of earning love from people. The uncle & aunt of the daycare center became your second parents & you suddenly had 6 siblings. You wouldn't eat chocolates alone unless you share it with those 6 kids at the daycare center. You were in just 2nd grade of the school & used to help the daycare center aunt in feeding other small kids & even remembered the exact time of their medication. We realized how your growth was better at the daycare center. You learnt how to develop friends, share things & support others at work. You lived up to your name.... Supriya... meaning ... 'loved by all'.. in Marathi.

You couldn't control your tears when I was to go on the longer overseas tours, I couldn't either. But I would scold you for that. When I wiped our tears you would say, "go but come soon." though you never meant it. It was like a poem which kids mug-up and recite without understanding the meaning of it. You were an amazingly emotional kid. You are our only daughter. I would call you every third hour from whichever part of the world I was, just to tell you that I was with you at every minute & you & only you are on the top of my mind. My friends teased me that I was a mother in disguise.

We could never think of sharing our love with any other child. You were also possessive about your parents & would never allow us to pamper other kids. If you see me taking any other kid on my lap, you would rush to me and politely make the kid move away & ride on my lap. Our love was your pride possession like your soft-toys: Sasulya, Babu, Vicky, and Pintu. You never wanted to share it with anyone. But you changed a lot when you went to school. You never had a 'single child syndrome'. Thanks to your friends. You always belong to your friends. I wonder how you can maintain such deep relationships with so many friends. Your outstanding academic performance, respectful & affectionate nature created a glamour for you. I still remember your school calendars from junior KG to 10th grade were empty. There was never any adverse remark or suggestions from teachers. You were a disciplined student & a leader right from the formative age.

People debate on whether leaders are born or made. I saw how a born leader takes herself to that stature.

The highest satisfaction came through when you stood first in the entire University of Mumbai, a university of the most brilliant students, during the graduation program, Bachelor of Commerce (B.Com). Arti & I were in tears during your convocation program when you walked as valedictorian & shook hands with the Vice-Chancellor of the university. We felt we were in heaven when respected Mukesh Ambani presented you with the Gold medal. Honorable Governor of Maharashtra state was presiding over the function. Your college in Mumbai is called the factory of Charter Accountants but you were very clear you didn't want to pursue CA. I remember those golden days, 5 years, when I used to drive you to your college every day at about 6.45 am. That 9 km drive gave me an opportunity to be with you exclusively & when you used to be fresh & in a good mood. I would happily drive back alone just to be with you one way & never made your alternative commuting arrangement but for the period I used to be on tour. You needed an alarm to get-up, but for me, your bond was good enough to wake me up every day even if I slept late.

Father learns to get happiness from the small things when he stays with a daughter.

When you got selected in the Swiss Bank after 3 rounds of international telephone interviews & went to Hong Kong for doing an internship, we were so proud to see you sitting in your office on the 89th floor of ICC building. I still remember the clear view of Hong Kong from that tallest building in Hong Kong. Mom still cherishes her memories when your boss took both of you for a lunch in the Ritz Carlton restaurant on the 108th floor which was partly open to the sky. In college, you wanted to get selected in the campus selection process. Tatas were the first company that came to your college campus that year. I recollect that Saturday. I was on holiday. Actually, I could have been at work but I was so nervous and excited too. You would keep scolding me for my frequent calls, after every round of selection. My pressure was rising as you cleared the written test & then the group discussion. The moment you were shortlisted for the final interview, I couldn't stay at home. I rushed to the college. You were so calm & quiet as if you knew that you were selected. I was a child & you were a parent. Finally, they called everyone in the auditorium for announcing the results. I somehow managed to sneak into the hall. They started reading the names of selected candidates. They were only 3. My God, the first name was your name & you got selected in the first job interview of your life. That was your first & last interview for a job, till today. We were so happy because your graduation was getting over in April & you got job 4 months beforehand that too with Tatas. You were barely 20 years of age. For the last 3 years, you have been working happily with them. You never got distracted.

Both your parents were known to be hardworking professionals but you over-powered us. We were stunned to see your commitment & work ethics. You always wanted to be in the office before 9 am and rarely left it before 8 pm. For you, Saturday means work from home rather than a weekend. When I say something you would smile at me & recite my line back to me, "Papa, India is a developing nation we need to work harder than the Western world." You follow your seniors at work who work harder. You made your mark even at work. In just two years you were selected as an 'Emerging Leader', after 6 rounds of the rigorous selection process. Now you are on the fast track career under the well-crafted 'talent management program'. You have already achieved many professional milestones at the tender age of 23-24 for which even brilliant kids would take much longer.

Career is like oasis, the nearer you go the farther it goes.

So what next now? Where would your oasis take you? Good that you started off with CFA realizing that enhancing knowledge in Finance is critical for your career in corporate finance. But the billion-dollar question remains, should you go to America & pursue an MBA from the institutes of the world-class? You have already taken the entrance test GMAT & scored high despite your work pressures. This score can take you to any top B School in the world. But it is the non-return path. I don't want my child to work for any other nation when her own nation wants her badly.

You love America & Americans. Your emotional bond with Jayant & Anu (my brother & his wife, both are American citizens & stay in Atlanta) is very strong. You have learnt multi-national cuisine from your Anukaku. You love watching Hollywood movies and discussing them with Jayantkaka. You always love his passion for Urdu gazals & understand the meaning from him. You had been to America for half a dozen of times. Stayed for months, seen entire America, much more than Americans themselves. Shopping in America is your passion. You love Atlanta and Chicago as much as you love your Mumbai & Thane. You get charged when you are in America, with your only brother (my nephew), Nishant (seen with Supriya in the above photo, a born citizen of America) & dear friend Victoria. I had never seen you so happy when Nishant got into the world-famous Georgia Tech University for his undergraduate Computer Engineering degree with a full scholarship. You love to go to church with Victoria's family on Sundays & forget that you are not Christen by faith. You love Christ like you love our Ganapati Bappa. You love the Bible, the stories & the message.

I never stopped you because you are Jesus's lamb. I wanted you to be a hardcore cosmopolitan person at the core, understand religions & people of all faith well. That is the reason I encouraged you to study Islam for 2 months, as a project, in college. Your write-up on Islam is amazing. You know many things about Islam which a religious Muslim may not know. It shows I have achieved my objective of making my daughter friendly with all religions & look at people with no bias at all. This quality is very important for modern-day leadership. In spite of your love for America, you don't want to leave the Indian house & Tata job. They are your first love. We consider Tatas to be one of the best employers in the world. We have no reason to leave them. They have given you such a wonderful career at such a young age even the monetary & other benefits are unmatched in India. You have been treated there very well, like a 'blue-eyed girl'. American MBA has no scholarship in spite of your high GMAT score. It would cost us Rs 15 million. Even higher middle-class American parents can't afford it. Taking a loan is an option but then you can't come back for the Tata job & work for the nation. I am writing this here so that my readers can empathize with us and would give us some advice.

Career planning is more difficult when it appears obvious, particularly for young, talented & hardworking achivers.

I realized, the most difficult thing for any father is to part away with his daughter. With a single child emerging society it has become even more difficult. I never imagined that our roles would be reversed and I would say. "Darling don't go." when people expect you to go to America for MBA. I am just saying, "Go but come soon." I want you to pursue an MBA in the institute of the world-class & come back to India. But your clear stand is that pursuing an MBA from Harvard or Whorton is migrating to America, nobody comes back hence you can not promise that you would come back. You would rather prefer to work happily in Mumbai, with Tatas & pursue CFA. We are discussing and debating this issue when you are performing exceedingly well in your corporate career with Tatas.

Leaving the country or home has become the definition of career development. It is considered as a personal decision. How do we manage 'career-family emotions' balance? Is it not possible to get both? Is migration a must for career development? Are we considering the emotional cost of a career? We are concerned about the 'brain-drain' of the country to America, Canada, Australia, & UK. Are we concerned about the 'emotional-drain' of families? Is there a way out? Can we develop a 'family-centric' career development Model?

Great careers are made keeping the family, organization, and nation at the centre. Everything else is an effort to earn wages.

Traveling globally for work, management research, & teaching, I have realized the value of quality family life. What I was searching globally was lying in my own city, Mumbai. The whole world has been looking at India in general & Mumbai in particular as a land of opportunity. Some people assume that career development means migrating to the US or to Canada, Australia or to Mumbai, Delhi, Bangalore. Career & hometown don't go together. Is it a must? When I look back, I realized some of my friends really made a good career by staying back in my hometown with families.

My friends who stayed back in Solapur after their graduation are no way less happy than I am. They earned good money, rolling in luxury cars & staying in deluxe bungalows. Their kids are being educated in good universities. Everything is perfectly normal. I migrated to Mumbai, not by will but under social pressure. Migrating to Mumbai or Pune after getting an Engineering degree was the order of the day.

Migration is the 'career development model' adopted by the middle class.

My hometown, Solapur was no exception. We were victims of that model. As a result, the cities with inward migration flourished & those with outward migration defunct. This concept triggered mass urbanization, sectoral imbalance, & economic disparity between Metros, Mini-Metros & Non-Metro cities. The population of Bengaluru grew by 50% in the last decade. Delhi is even worse than that.

Economic times study indicated that Delhi would be the most populous city in the world by 2028.

Indian immigrants to America were also recorded high in the last two decades. If foreign-born citizens of America are considered then Indian Americans were the second-largest group, after Mexicans. The majority of Indian immigrants are young and highly educated and have strong English skills. Most of them work in science, technology, engineering, and math (STEM) fields. Indian students are the second-largest group of foreign students in America.

From 1980 to 2010, the population of Indian Americans grew more than eleven-fold, roughly doubling every decade.

Most of these Indian immigrants belong to the middle-class, idealizing migration as the career development model. Some of the important states in India are also major victims. There are more than 4 million people who migrated from Uttar Pradesh & Bihar to Mumbai. Most of the brilliant & hardworking Punjabis, Bengalis, Tamilians, Malayalis are immigrants in Mumbai. Had these states successfully stopped this 'internal brain-drain' they would have progressed like Maharashtra & Gujarat. Kids in Mumbai are smart. They prefer Finance careers over engineering careers. They know it is the best way to stay in Mumbai. Similarly, Bengaluru kids are opting for technology education. This may be the reason why these cities have hardly any outward migration.

So, this is the story of me & my daughter. Don't you have a similar story? Career planning is not just following a personal perception. It requires a deeper understanding of opportunities in your city, family's needs, & aspirations, challenges & priorities of the nation. It has to be family-centric, nation-centric, society-centric although it is the personal choice. It has to consider parental aspirations but at the same time their emotions. Single child families have a strong dilemma. Which way they go would define their character and EQ.

About the Author: Prof Dr. Ajit Patil was awarded 'Top Voice on LinkedIn - 2017'. He is a Management Writer; Marketing, Business Development & Retailing Consultant. He conducts Management Development Programmes; trains & coaches Sales & Marketing teams. He has been teaching MBA students in India & overseas for over 18 years. He can be reached at ajitpatilmumbai@yahoo.co.in

Prof. Dr. Ajit Patil with his Mother, in Switzerland, October 2019