The Day "IT" Went Away

The following statement may be shocking to some and obvious to others, although that could also apply to many things I say.

"When I lost my wife to cancer, not only did I lose the love of my life, I also lost my connection with cancer"

Please take a moment and carefully consider this statement.

The obvious loss is that of human life, and most would expect the disconnection with an insidious disease like cancer to be a joyous occasion typified by relief and some form of muted celebration. In my case, and maybe others who have had a very long relationship with any form of terminal illness, it was not that simple.

In my case, I grieved for the loss of both a much-loved human being and a despised disease.

The immediate period following this dual loss was a little like living in a vacuum, both physically and emotionally, where fatigue resulted in rest and often inertia. After being so busy on many levels for so long and then suddenly nothing, was difficult to understand and embrace.

When your partner (or family member) endures such a protracted journey, you are often the driver or passenger in the vehicle, and the following elements are immediately missing from your life:

Relationships - over time lasting friendships formed with Oncologists, Radiologists, Specialists, Chemotherapy staff, Nurses, Dieticians, Pathologists, Occupational Therapists, Physiotherapists, Pharmacists and many others;

Routine (especially as a fulltime carer) - the multitude of endless appointments, the changing treatment protocols and conferences, the complexity of medications and dietary needs, physical mobility support as health degenerated right through to those seemingly simple things such as shower and toilet visits;

Purpose - cancer certainly provided a great deal of uninvited purpose to my life, as the period of caring (irrespective of the length) is all about the needs of the diseased or infirmed, with your own needs naturally taking a back seat. Whilst relatively tough at the time, the focused caring for someone is a priceless life lesson that I wouldn't wish on another, but am grateful to have experienced;

Communication - be it scheduling, changing or cancelling appointments, providing "progress" updates to friends and colleagues, competing an endless list of forms and applications, interpreting complex information or delivering often heartbreaking news to family, it became a big part of my life.

There is a real chance that I may be unique in my experience of diverse loss following the death of a loved one but suspect that many others would have their own stories with some shared similarities.

Like most things in life, simple recognition can be curative, and y recognising the role that cancer played in my life enables me to recreate and reinvent the next chapter, whatever that may be.