Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I know you don’t understand my life.

It made sense to you when I moved from Portugal at 19 for a guy. You understood when we broke up and I found a new guy. It made sense to you when I married him. It felt normal and right to you when I had a baby.

But through all of that, none of it felt normal and right to me.

Fifteen years into my first marriage, I found myself driving on the freeway in absolute despair. I knew there was something wrong with my life and my marriage, but I didn’t know what. I felt so tired, so profoundly hopeless. At that moment, I thought happiness was something reserved for other people.

Somehow I made it to a friend’s house. I cried and cried on her couch. She told me I had to do something to change my life. I realized I needed to separate from my then-husband.

Dad, I know losing a son-in-law was hard for you. I also know it was my first step in taking control of my life and emerging from a depression I didn’t realized was keeping me in a darkness.

I didn’t know why I felt so out of place in my own life. I didn’t see the signs: The k.d. lang, Cindy Crawford Vanity Fair cover I obsessed over as a teen, looking forward to working lesbian nights at the bar during my 20s, and being the most enthusiastic ally at every Pride event. Through it all, it never hit me that I’m not an ally; I’m part of the lesbian community.

I’ll never forget when I met Suzanna. Her son played on your grandson’s soccer team. They were both 13 at the time. It started to rain, and we shared an umbrella. Something about her felt so familiar. We began getting together, and finally one day we kissed. At that moment, I knew what was missing from my entire life. There was no turning back. Returning to a straight relationship would be denying my identity.

As you know, Suzanna and I now married. But what you might not know is, for the first time in a long time, I’m really happy. Suzanna makes me laugh. She’s one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. She makes me feel special. For the first time in my life, I’m comfortable in my own skin.

I know this is not what you expected for your daughter, but I hope you will come to accept and embrace my new life. I’m finally happy, and the only thing missing is your support.

Love,

Alex

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Alex Carvalho-Lukachova is a Senior Meeting Planner with Event Marketing at Kaiser Permanente. Alex was a member of Meeting Planners International about 13 years ago and recently rejoined.