The Difference Between Genuine Gratitude and Toxic Positivity: A Real-Life Conversation
Kevin D. Monroe
Activating Transformation Through Gratitude + Appreciation: Cultivating Cultures Where People Flourish and Thrive
"I really despise toxic positivity."
That's how Stephanie Obadare started her heartfelt message in response to a post I shared last week, one that resonated deeply with her— and stirred more thoughts than we should squeeze into a quick comment.
Instead, she sent a message...that started a conversation. In our conversation, Stephanie shared several amazing insights about the difference between toxic positivity and what she called, genuine gratitude. Toxic positivity encourages people to overlook real issues and stifle strong emotions. Contrast that with genuine gratitude, which acknowledges challenges while appreciating the good that still exists.
It was such a beautiful exchange; I asked Stephanie for permission to share it with you.
Understanding the Distinction
Toxic positivity tells you to "just be positive" or "look on the bright side" while dismissing your legitimate struggles. It's the emotional equivalent of putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg and pretending everything is fine.
Genuine gratitude doesn't require you to deny reality or pretend everything is perfect.
As Stephanie discovered, it's about recognizing that good things can exist simultaneously with challenges. Genuine gratitude is about choosing what you focus on while still acknowledging what needs to change.
A Perfect Analogy
Stephanie's car analogy brilliantly illustrates this distinction. Imagine you're driving an old clunker while saving for a new set of wheels. 🚖
Things keep going wrong with your current vehicle, and you're not where you want to be yet. Toxic positivity would tell you to just "be happy" with your old car and ignore its problems.
Genuine gratitude, however, allows you to:
The Breakthrough
As our conversation continued, I shared two beliefs that often prevent people from embracing genuine gratitude.
Two Common Misconceptions
The first belief keeps us waiting for some perfect future moment that never arrives. The second concern is that feeling content or grateful might reduce our motivation to make positive changes.
Stephanie responded with this amazing insight:
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What changed is telling myself that I know there are good things in life that I can choose to focus on instead and in doing so, I can actually enjoy life in the present instead of living miserably until things change.
That's an epiphany worth sharing! [Thanks again, Stephanie for the privilege of sharing this beautiful conversation, so others can benefit from its wisdom!]
The Power of Genuine Gratitude
This remarkable breakthrough compellingly highlights the stark difference between genuine gratitude and the widespread misconceptions surrounding it. When we recognize there ARE good things in our lives right now, it doesn't diminish our ability to see what needs to change.
Instead, it:
Choosing Gratitude
The beauty of genuine gratitude is that it's available to you, right now, regardless of your circumstances.
You don't have to wait for everything to be perfect. (The moment never seems to come!)
You don't have to ignore your challenges. You simply need to make the choice to notice and appreciate the good things that exist alongside your difficulties.
Your Invitation to Practice
I invite you to try this approach for yourself this week. Rather than waiting for perfect circumstances or dismissing real challenges, experiment with genuine gratitude:
BONUS ASK.
As you practice gratitude this week, will you be aware of those who may reject it because they confuse gratitude with toxic positivity? Don't confront them! Instead, invite them into a kind and caring conversation where you look for opportunities to gently share your own journey of understanding the difference. Sharing how genuine gratitude has positively affected your life can help others appreciate its value.
Join the Conversation
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this distinction between toxic positivity and genuine gratitude. Have you ever rejected gratitude because it felt like toxic positivity? What helped you understand the difference? How have you helped others see this distinction?
Share your experience in the comments below. Remember, gratitude is better together, and your story might be exactly what someone else needs to hear.
In pursuit of an MHA @ Johns Hopkins University | Empathy Enthusiast & Joyful Whisperer | Transforming Lives with Kindness & Gratitude – Who Doesn’t Need More Joy (and Maybe a High-Five for Making It Through the Day)?
1moThank you for sharing that conversation, Kevin and Stephanie. I might be that overly optimistic person, but in my defense, it’s not about ignoring the hard stuff—it’s about refusing to let it set up camp in my mind rent-free. Sure, I’ll acknowledge the flat tires and squeaky brakes of life, but I’m also going to appreciate that the car still moves forward (even if it’s held together with duct tape and hope - true story). That is why gratitude helps balance this because it isn’t about denying reality; it’s about seeing the good that coexists with the mess.
Associate Professor, Communication at Jackson State Community College
1moI appreciate Ms. Obadare's article and yours. Finding the diamond in the rough, doesn't deny there is "the rough". Often I think we are afraid to go to the rough with a person when we talk of real life, so we want them to basically "snap out of it". If they don't talk about life's tough things it makes us feel less insecure. Yet, when we allow ourselves to hear a person and seek to understand the way they might feel, it simply validates them as a person, and they actually come away feeling better for the encounter. In those listening experiences we help the person see the beauty or diamonds amongst their rough. We help them uncover what they are grateful for, restore their self-efficacy to move forward, and we find joy in the giving of our time and ears. Looking for the diamonds in our own lives, our mind makes a decision to focus on something else. I'm reminded of a recent walk where the green moss peeked out amongst the brown leaves covering the forest floor. Thank you!
This is such an important conversation to be having, Kevin. Toxic positivity is rampant, and it's refreshing to see someone addressing the difference between that and genuine gratitude. Can't wait to check out your newsletter and dive into that car analogy!
Activating Transformation Through Gratitude + Appreciation: Cultivating Cultures Where People Flourish and Thrive
1moTerri Levins Dietz the post we were just discussing! Aloha!
Peer Mentor/Executive Coach for new Not-for-Profit leaders (Interim and new Executives and Board Chairs)
1moAnother thought - I think the most toxic positivity I struggle with is the comments people make after I lose a loved one, like "at least he's now in a better place" or "she's waiting for you across the rainbow bridge" when they know full well I'm an atheist. Why don't you try comforting me instead?