Do you continually gaslight people? Beware!
Delroy Hall
Committed to, and working with others, by serving humanity through counselling, providing mental health care and leadership development. I work with individuals and organisations.
Introduction
“Gaslighters are master manipulators.”
Writing last week’s newsletter, and speaking to people who have been gaslighted in the workplace, I was gripped by the question, ‘What is the long term effect of lying and manipulation on the person who practises such behaviour? Surely, they cannot keep getting away with it, although it seems they do in the short term?
The gradual impact…
Listen to this by Ben Benotti. “Every lie chips away at the liar's trust in themselves. Over time, consistent lying leads to an identity crisis - a confusion between the real self and the deceptive self one portrays to others. This dichotomy can lead to self-esteem issues, feelings of guilt, and a diminished sense of self-worth.”
That quote is worth unpacking and I leave you to do that important task, but it does not end there…
If we are looking at the idea around quantum physics, that everything is connected it is a given that if we continue to lie, manipulate and are deceitful to others there will be consequences.
Such behaviour does not happen in a vacuum. How can it when we are damaging people in real time. The inner harm is not apparent, but to my mind, when we are being unkind to others there is a transfer of energy. Furthermore, we know that physiologically when we lie or manipulate others, there are negative responses in our bodies.
Consequences of gasligthing
None of it is good!
Juggling a variety of selves is exhausting even if you have not done a hard day's work. .
Second, there is a loss of a person’s sense of authenticity. Meaning, they struggle to be real in relationships and how they see themselves. Consequently, this can lead to a lack of purpose, feelings of emptiness, and I suspect at some level, a fear of being found out.
2. Emotional consequences. What do I mean? Lying and manipulation evokes feelings of guilt and shame. Over time, these emotions become difficult to manage. Just as a side note. I recall years ago a man who was having an affair, and was feeling guilty about it, went to his doctors expecting to be given a prescription to deal with his issues of guilt…
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3. Severe damage to relationships. What do I mean? This is a no brainer! The gaslighter will experience a significant loss of trust and feelings of isolation due to their manipulative behaviour becoming entrenched in one’s waking life. The tentacles of gaslighting reaches everywhere and taints all aspects of one’s humanity.
This includes broken bonds in relationships and difficulty forming healthy relationships in the future.
4. Self-Esteem and Self-worth are dwarfed. What do I mean? It will come as no surprise to you if you continually lie and deceive others there will be a level of self disrespect and a lowering of one’s self esteem making you feel unworthy and unlovable because your true self is now compromised. (Images of a cartoon dwarf)
Here is the thing. You could be successful, yet beneath the success, you carry the burden of feeling a fraud.
5. Mental Health Difficulties. What do I mean? Lying, manipulation and deceit, over an extended period of time creates constant stress within our bodies. This stress is due to the pressure experienced by trying to maintain the deception and not getting caught. Such pressure on our humanity can lead to anxiety, depression or panic attacks.
In my line of work, I understand depression, anxiety or panic attacks as symptomatic of underlying discord. Too often, such disorders are symptomised, with little or no exploration undertaken to uncover the reason individuals are carrying such upset within their bodies.
6. A decline in our morals and values. If one is lying constantly it may come as a surprise, or it may not, that there is an inner erosion taking place of their moral and ethical well-being, the foundation of good relationships and human existence. Thus, lying/gaslighting creates a decline in one's moral and ethical compass. This declension can lead them to folks engaging in other dishonest and immoral behaviours.
What can you do?
It may not surprise you, but there are a catalogue of other negative consequences in gaslighting others. However, if you have read this far you have done well and if you recognise within yourself you are perpetually gaslighting others, you may be quietly asking yourself, ‘what can I do to break this destructive behaviour?’
One psychologist has said that it is difficult for gas lighters to admit what they are doing, but if you recognise yourself in this newsletter here are some pointers.
Concluding thoughts.
There is so much more that could be said, but it is clear, you do not escape the negative energy of gaslighting.
If you want to learn more join me and others on Tuesday 17th September on my LinkedIn page at 7.00 pm or my YouTube channel @drdelroyhall5007
Acknowledge the harm you have done, commit yourself to accountability and be intentional in changing your behaviour, possibly with the input of a psychological professional.
You can begin to rebuild trust with yourself, your work colleagues, and with time and patience, and professional input, it is possible to begin to create a healthier work environment where you once led the toxicity campaign. .
Wishing you well while wanting and working towards the best for you.
Delroy Hall
With over three decades experience working as a psychotherapist, trainer, facilitator, supervisor, and as a local and international leader, I am open to working with individuals, teams and organisations.