Do You Need to Stand Out or Fit In?

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This dilemma has competed for my attention for as long as I can remember. 

As a first-generation American born to Indian immigrant parents, there was a lot of pressure from their culture not to stick out too much, keep your head down and work hard.  

But because I was born and raised here, I felt a different pressure based on American values like individuality, competition for attention, the "squeaky wheel gets the grease," and that often your hard work won't speak for itself.

Perhaps you can relate to that voice (whether your own or someone else's) that is constantly calibrating whether you are acting per what others expect of you and with what feels right to you.  

In the 20 years of my corporate career after graduating college (1995-2015), it's fair to say I often neglected to listen to my deeper needs out of a desire to fit in.  

To be clear, there are both merits and limits to standing out versus fitting in the mold. Differentiating yourself is essential in a competitive and attention-strapped world.  

But sticking out too much can be risky, lest you go too far out on a limb and prefer security. For that reason, fitting in your organization, community, or society may afford a sense of collective support, and adapting to the team is expected in return.  

But not asserting yourself amidst the groupthink can limit fulfillment and stifle your potential.  

For me, I've experienced both sides of this challenge: overly adapting to fit in and not asserting my strengths enough out of fear of being too far out on a limb.  

In the hope that my story can help you in this dilemma, let me offer a few examples of where I ignored my strengths because they went against the norm of others around me.

Ignoring my preferences on productivity.

I'm what you would call a productive procrastinator.  

In graduate school at Columbia in 1995, I wrote a 20-page paper that was assigned at the start of the semester on the night before it was due.  

The internet was still early, and there was no Google to search for supporting resources. That morning, I was in the library collecting books, reading through them on the subway back to Brooklyn, and writing the paper that night.

And this wasn't an uncommon instance for me. My approach may look highly inefficient to many type-A high achievers, but this always worked for me, even in high school.

From my perspective, I couldn't understand seeing my classmates at the library every day after class, highlighting their books all over the place, rewriting notes on flashcards, and having never-ending to-do lists in their hands.  

I always had a strong memory (and perhaps cultivated it because I never wrote everything down). But I also love to daydream, and I am much more productive in that quiet, unscheduled time for deep thought rather than scheduling activities to "show" people how busy I am.  

Sadly, this approach worked well on assignments that were dependent on me alone. Once you start working in an organization or become a leader, you are forced to fit into other people's definitions of productivity. 

Nothing frustrated me more than having to be in meetings with colleagues who struggled to sit in silence and think through their problems before convening all of us together. 

They felt a need to "show" that they were thinking and processed their thoughts verbally in the presence of others. But I generally believed it was more efficient to wait and process until we had something significant to add to the discussion.  

While I recognized the value in seeing life from the eyes of my colleagues and knowing that it's impossible to put collaborative workflows off to the last minute, I never questioned the inefficiencies on their end around meetings and unnecessary touch-bases.  

I tended to think I was the outlier and that I better keep my head down and follow suit.

Ignoring my preferences for doing emotionally-connected work. 

Here's another example of how I felt like an outlier, but instead of asserting my strengths proudly, I chose to fit in as best I could.

I always knew that I was a more "emotionally" available and sensitive guy than the alpha male corporate type. I attribute this trait to my late mother and how she raised me. 

She never subscribed to allowing "boys just be boys" when my friends were acting up, enforcing the values of respect for elders, listening with empathy, and being present to her and my sister's emotions, not just the men in our family. 

But over the years, this trait caused me a great deal of resentment and self-doubt. My sensitivity to people's moods can be exhausting, and I became conditioned to defer to others' needs much more than I express my own. Only after decades of self-examination did I begin to see this as a source of strength, not weakness.  

Wanting to stand out as early as college, I chose different study and career interests than anyone in my family (primarily doctors, scientists, and engineers).  

The problem was that I was going out on a limb myself, with no role models in the business world or examples to follow.  

In my first few investment banking and consulting jobs, I felt like a fish out of water culturally. Technically, I was capable enough to analyze the spreadsheets, pitch decks, and modeling.  

But it was all so dull to me. I needed more emotional substance behind my work.

I would observe my colleagues and wonder how to fit in. To me, many of them seemed like robots without any vulnerability or emotion. Or was I the strange one being hypersensitive again? 

It was hard to see any passion in my colleagues beyond making more money and showing off to each other. And people seemed to talk the same; left brain and surface-level with a corny swagger of self-admiration.  

But far be it from me to criticize them, right? After all, I'm the one who decided to pursue these jobs, and I better find a way to fit in because clearly, they know the game, and I don't. 

To be sure, I enjoyed the fundamentals of business and the creativity behind them. But the imagination and freedom of thought are often stifled once you leave the academic part and get into the corporate world. Companies pay very well to make sure you don't stand out too much.

So without any mentors, I kept pushing along in many jobs I didn't truly understand but just accepted that I was developing my resume and paying the bills.  

And looking back, I didn't dare to leave because these were the opportunities you didn't pass up when you go to Georgetown, Columbia, Wharton (and have their loans to pay back).  

I was yearning to stand out but also seeking to fit in out of fear of being left out there alone. And I had no clue how to do either.  

Awareness, Adaptability, and Assertiveness 

In the language of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), my introspection above would imply that I am likely one who prefers the P-type (Perceiving) and the F-type (Feeling).

Without getting too in the weeds on the MBTI, this means that compared with people who have the J type (opposite of P) and prefer planning and organization, my P-type means I prefer a "wait and see" approach. I can be a productive procrastinator because I choose priorities but don't need to plan everything.  

I also tend to make decisions based on their impact on people, which is my F-type, rather than simply relying on logic and systems, which perhaps many of my colleagues prefer (the T type of "Thinking)."

I refer to this tool without generalizing too much because an interesting component of MBTI research is that most CEOs who take the MBTI tend to show up as ENTJ or ESTJ.  

As explained above, these leaders prefer extraversion (E) over introversion (I) and have the T and J types.

And guess who virtually the complete opposite of these types is? That's right, yours truly.  

I'm generally an INFP. Does this mean I can't act like an ENTJ if needed? Or that they can't operate with more of an "F" model with decision-making or a "P" approach to planning? No, of course not.  

We all can act out of our preference. But when I first became more aware of these trends, it illuminated why I probably have felt like an outsider in so many of my corporate jobs where the aspirational role and style is typically the ENTJ/ESTJ.  

Becoming aware of my preferences was an enlightening moment for me. But not being ashamed or disappointed that my approach wasn't "like" everyone else – this was the real game-changer. 

Embracing my INFP approach, not as a pariah in the business world but as the perfect complement to prototypical ENTJ CEOs, helped me launch my coaching practice years ago. It helped me balance my adaptability and fit in where needed, with assertiveness to own my strengths even if out of the norm.  

I realized that there might be many things these leaders are not, which is why I can help them see things they and others like them cannot.  

Using the analogy of school sports, I chose to stop playing Junior Varsity, where I kept questioning why I didn't make the Varsity squad. When I told myself I was also a Varsity player, but just in a different sport, I could stop neglecting my inner voice and develop a new path.  

Your Turn

I hope my story inspires some reflection for you. If you find yourself wondering how to adapt while asserting more of your needs, ask yourself the following questions:

(If you want to stand out more): 

1. Is there something you've wanted to be or do but feel like it would be too risky to stand out? What is your inner voice telling you about fitting in too much versus stepping into your individuality?
2. What is one step you can take to assert your outlier strengths without disrupting your life and work too much?

(If you want to fit in more):

1. What kind of belonging and support are you seeking in the groups around you?  
2. What has been keeping you from fitting in and adapting to the groups around you? How can you enjoy being included without sacrificing your voice? 

I welcome your thoughts in the comments or feel free to DM me.

Until next week, all my best, Nihar