Do your children or partner want no pain no gain, workaholic versions of you?

Ascending professionals in this day and age have a penchant for working hard. We love to urge ourselves, our friends, our peers, and those we lead forward with mantras that revolve around various versions of pushing ourselves, challenging ourselves, stretching ourselves, testing our mettle and seeing just what we are made of. We find the pursuit of goals thrilling, and the competitive spirit within us swells when we see others competing for the same goals or setting and achieving their own audacious goals.

One of the most common phrases that describes our penchant for working hard is the phrase “no pain, no gain.” In our life experiences, we often encounter the lesson that working hard enough to the point of feeling some pain is a prerequisite to gaining something important; we believe that nothing good comes easy, after all. For instance, when we work hard at our fitness goals, we feel the pain or exhaustion in our muscles, which is the precursor to the gain of building stronger bodies. In work, we frequently see that those who gain recognition or are promoted are those that work extra hours throughout the week, or take on more projects and more responsibility. No pain, no gain leads us to hold the engineer, marketer, or manager who continues to work diligently into evenings, weekends, and holidays in high regard.

As we exercise our no pain, no gain mentality every day at work and the gym, the concept is internalized, and as a result expands and expresses itself in all aspects of our lives. We feel the need to push ourselves to the point of pain in our diet practices, our exploration of hobbies, and our learning and development, too. We have even extended our penchant for hard work into the related phrase, “work hard, play hard” and we apply the same hard work mentality to our downtime activities, such as traveling, socializing, and also vacation.

No pain, no gain is based on the assumption that we have to be gaining to be happy in life. Even when we reach our goals and have gained, we are quick to look around for new ways to gain, so that we can feel challenged or stretched again, when we believe we feel most alive and happy.

Our fixation on working hard to challenge ourselves in pursuit of new goals has ultimately reduced the phrase “no pain, no gain,” to “pain is gain.” The entrepreneur who puts in 60 hour work weeks in pursuit of his or her dream sees the entrepreneur who puts in 70 or 80 hours as setting themselves up for more gain simply because they increased their sacrifice and exhaustion. The assumption is that their pain surely will become gain, because gain always follows pain. Hence, pain has become gain; we begin to salivate as soon as the bell chimes, before the food is provided.

Unless we can consciously begin to uncover the truth for ourselves that lies behind the automatic assumptions that pain is gain and gain is necessary to be happy, then our pain is gain mindset will follow us into the way we manage our romantic partnerships and parenting.

Ironically, however, alongside our pain is gain narrative, we have also come to desire the competing narrative that we should do what we love. We want to do what we love in our own lives, and we especially desire for those close to us to be able to do what they love. However, can we truly believe in and embody both of these competing narratives at the same time?

So long as we truly identify at our core with the pain is gain mantra, then we will not find the love in what we do. Because we are not used to expressing our love, but rather feeling pain, we will continue to do what we know: seek or create pain in the lives of our partners and children and we will resist allowing them to discover and do what they themselves truly love.

True love is passive and therefore it is never work. Love happens and is allowed to be as it is; we don’t create it. True love accepts both the “good” and the “bad” of the people we feel it for. True love of what we do accepts both the times of work and ease, both the pain and pleasure as they arise. If we only believe we are gaining when there is some feeling of pain present in the background or foreground, then we are not loving what we do. If we only value doing in the form of work, pain, and gain and cannot value our relaxation, accepting what is, and our time outside of work and goal striving, then we will not create space to love life, what we do, or the people in our lives - we will chase and mistake infatuation or obsession for love. In this case, our potential for love is dashed to pieces and we are left with an insecure imitation that will encourage us to keep pursuing some form of work hard pain that will serve to distract us from some other form of pain we are running from. The pain we are running from is that which comes from believing we need to be constantly gaining to be happy.

If we have internalized our never-ending pusher mindset, then why would we suddenly change when we become partners or parents? In the steps between our cars and doors every day, how could we suddenly transform and let go of our obsessions with working and gaining? How could you stop a freight train on a dime?

It is not possible for us to live these two very different ideals at once. We cannot be obsessed with pain and gain for the sake of the better future we envision during the day, and then during the evenings and weekends be fully present with our children or partners, truly loving, accepting, and nurturing them according to who they are. Not only can we not live both lives simultaneously, but one has already been subconsciously ingrained into our minds and is actively reinforced throughout each day, while the other is aspirationally held and seldom reinforced. When we have enough energy and low enough stress, we can strive towards our aspirational love and actually manage to be present with our children or partners. Yet when we inevitably become tired, irritated, angry, or pessimistic about whatever is going on in our work lives, our aspiration to be present and loving will be overridden, and we will subconsciously project our worldview of pain is gain onto those we care about, creating conditional love, resentments, frustrations, and so on.

Inherently, no pain, no gain will ultimately bring you more pain. The new pain you create by working hard gradually becomes a way to distract you from the pain you have accumulated from all the sacrifices you’ve made to the present day.

Eventually, following the pain is gain mentality draws us into workaholism. Workaholics do not even allow themselves to physically present and create the chance to be mentally present with their children or partners. Workaholics force themselves to have sporadic or unreliable schedules, return home late having missed dinners/recitals/games, pay nannies to raise their children, and divorce, mentally abuse, ignore, or disdain their partners or children when they need a stronger source of pain to distract themselves from the pain that arises from their workaholism. If it continues to be reinforced, the pain is gain mentality sinks deeper, which leads to depression, victimhood, mental or physical abuse, violent or suicidal fantasies, and other terrible mental afflictions.

No pain, no gain, which becomes pain is gain, which becomes workaholism can be a lifelong and tragic affliction, but it doesn’t have to be. As conscious beings who are more than the ego, which are responsible for this mentality in the first place, we can learn to tame our mental urges for work and pain and become the versions of ourselves that we aspire to be for ourselves and our children and partners. We can learn to truly love.

Learning to love is a long journey, but it starts with three deep breaths. Focusing on your breathing helps bring you into the present, where you can more easily observe the pain is gain-driven thoughts that swirl around in your head. In the space created between these thoughts, you can more consciously answer the following questions:

1. Are you creating more pain for yourself by working harder just because you think it will bring you gain later? Is there a way to achieve that future gain with less pain or sacrifice today? Is there a different path in life that you could explore that might be less painful and more natural or enjoyable for you?
2. Are the future gains that you envision more important than your life and your relationships today? Do you want to be more present with your partner or children today?
3. Is your pain is gain mentality keeping you from truly loving your partner or children? Have you begun to resent your partner or children because they aren’t living up to the pain is gain mentality you have internalized and sacrificing themselves to the same degree that you have? Can you accept them as they are and truly love them, and want them to love themselves and what they do? If not, why not? If you were to guide them from a place of clarity and love, not pain, what might you say?

In reality, pain, or at least discomfort, is very often involved in gain, and loving people doesn’t mean never encouraging them to strive for more or to avoid pain or discomfort. The difference between trying to nurture others from a pain is gain mentality and nurturing them from a place of love is the acceptance that you can’t control life or other people. The pain is gain mentality makes you believe in the illusion that you can control life by the amount of work or pain you experience. The reality is that you can control neither love nor life, no matter how much pain you endure or work you invest. If you can come to accept this truth, then you will realize that you can step back and open a space of honesty with yourself to ponder the questions above. If you can realize that pain is not mandatory for gain in your own life and that gain is not required to be happy - that there are other ways to find happiness beyond achieving goals - then you will begin to operate from a place of love. From that place, you will be on the path to discovering how to do what you love, and you will also be on the path to lovingly guiding and encouraging your partner and children, without holding your love hostage based on whether or not they follow your guidance.

Your current or future partner and children thank you for reading today.

Stay tuned for more musings on how to live mindfully in a modern society that does not make it easy, and in doing so discover and resonate more happiness, love, peace, energy, and meaning.