Don't Ask Why

“People don’t answer questions anymore,” Andrea told me in an executive coaching session. Andrea is a systems engineer leader. Along with her other duties, she recently took on the role of mentoring emerging leaders at her company. In this session, she was wondering how to foster learning and still support those who weren’t answering her questions.

Amy: “What kinds of questions are you asking that they don’t answer?”

Andrea: “I ask them to explain why they did or said what they did in situations they bring up.”

Amy: “Ah, you want them to share their thought process so you can build on their current understanding.”

Andrea: “Exactly.”

Amy: “That’s effective mentoring, to learn their context and build on it rather than assume you know and just talk at them. That compassionate approach is cultural intelligence in action.”

Andrea: “Thank you. I know it’s important, and yet I feel so frustrated they don’t want to answer my mentoring-sort-of-questions.”

Amy: “You’re asking them using the word, ‘why,’ correct?” Andrea nodded. “That’s likely the problem. A ‘why’ question in our culture is like a hot burner on the stove – don’t touch it.”

Andrea: “Really?! Why?” Andrea saw the irony in the question she just asked and laughed.

Amy: “That’s a good question! It’s typically because people, whether they’re 4 or 40 years old, don’t know why they just did or said what they did. As a result, when you ask, ‘Why?’ they really don’t know, which makes them feel uncomfortable. People usually don’t want to admit when they don’t know something.”

“Because they don’t know why, ‘why’ questions make them feel defensive.”

Andrea: “I’ve seen that defensive response. So what can I say to learn about their thought process?”

Amy: “There are a number of ways to go about it. The simplest is to ask, “What prompted you to say (or do) that?”

Andrea: “Hmm. Interesting. I’ll try it.”

Three days later

I saw Andrea and asked her how it was going.

Andrea: “You’re right, I actually got a response when I asked the ‘What prompted you?’ question instead of the ‘Why? question. But I noticed there was still some hesitation to share. I don’t know why that is.”

Amy: “I get that.” Andrea looked confused. “Until they know you well and you’ve built up some trust, your mentee may be afraid of being blamed or shamed. The way around that is by giving them a reason for why you asked.”

Andrea: “I need to do even more?!”

Amy: “Helping people understand the reason behind your request is actually very motivating. They’ll be more likely to respond and provide even more detail.”

Andrea: “What does that sound like?”

Amy: “It’s as simple as: ‘What prompted you to do that? I’d like to know so that others can follow your example.’ By saying ‘what’ instead of ‘why’ and sharing your motive for asking helps both of you relax and perform at an optimal level.”

Andrea: “That’s super helpful. I wish I’d known this years ago.”

‘Why’ mentoring

Mentoring grounded on culturally intelligent practice, such as Andrea is using, is a win all the way around. The mentor is tapped for their expertise, valued for their growth mindset and recognized for their commitment to the organization. The mentee is recognized for their potential leadership, empowered to leverage their unique abilities and encouraged to think strategically for the benefit of the company and their colleagues. The result is, nearly 70% of businesses with an effective mentoring program report enhanced productivity, due to the program and the fact that, because of it, participating employees are 49% less likely to leave their jobs. Along with these successes, CEOs recognize that building a pipeline of capable leaders through mentoring is essential for driving their organizations forward and ensuring long-term success. -Amy s. Narishkin, PhD

If you like this coaching, read more here. Dr. Amy works with organizations and their leaders who want to be confident communicators so that they can attract and retain diverse talent. To learn more about executive coaching, click for a free discovery call.