Don't jinx it

Hello!

Guess what? Shhh, I don’t want to jinx it but I’m learning stuff. About how to be. How to live. How to love.

Over the course of my lifetime, I’ve been showered with praise for how aware of my shortcomings I am, and how open I am about them. Awesome. I’m “authentic.” And sadly, I guess that’s rare because it seems to be quite novel to people. 

But it’s been a trick, the whole thing. It’s convinced me and those around me that because I know my damage, that I’m working on it. Sure, I know it. But I haven’t been doing the hard part where you actually do something about it. I’ve bought the books, tried the Kundalini (I even bought a white outfit!), Tony Robbins-ed myself, identified my love language and googled every permutation of every unreasonable anxiety I could invent.

It’s shocking at 34 years old to be improving things I always wanted to, but couldn’t figure out how. Changing things I’ve wanted to change. Mutating intentionally. Letting things I’ve understood intellectually finally muscle-memorize themselves.

I’m proud of myself. I thought I was doomed to be the person I’ve always been: I reacted instead of responding. I talked before I thunk (I know it’s not a word but I like it). I assumed others were out to get me when they were possibly just having a bad day. And those around me are taking note, responding to me differently. More lovingly. And hopefully feeling a little safer around me.

So if you’re not living up to who you want to be, or your trash pile of damage seems too steep to even approach, just start by kicking it around. Eventually, you’ll learn how to recycle it into something much, much prettier. Why, how very sustainable of you!

Three cheers, spiritual tadpoles, and thanks for letting me sprout my first leg.

X Sophia