Don't Take Anything Personally

Whatever happens around you. Whatever anyone says to you. Whatever anyone does to you. Don't take it personally. Even when it really feels "personal."

That advice is a bit of Toltec wisdom shared by Don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four Agreements.

It's also consistent with Jesus' teaching on "turning the other cheek." And the Buddha's teaching on "no-self."

I discussed this Agreement with a group of philanthropic leaders, and the response was generally: "How can we NOT take it personally when it is?"

And therein lies the kicker (or paradox).

When you take something personally, you fall into the trap of the ego. You assume that everything is about "you."

When I fall into that trap, I find it helpful to remember that nothing other people ever say or do is because of me, even when they are reacting to me. How other people choose to react is on them.

Their reaction comes from them, even if it's a compliment.

If you are uncomfortable with the seeming contradiction that lies within that paradox, consider who suffers when you take things personally – you or the other person? In this context, you may also want to ask yourself this question: "Would I rather be right or free?"

When you don't take anything personally, who gets to be free? You or the other person?

What would your world be like if you didn't take anything personally?

Some may say (and many do) that the phrase "don't take it personally" can be abused.  It can be thrown around flippantly right after saying something that was clearly meant as a jab or that was hurtful. Saying that to another person (not yourself) can be a way of deflecting responsibility for the impact on others that your actions or words may have. That's a valid point.

Also, just because you don't take anything personally does NOT mean that you permit others to lash out at you or others verbally or physically.

Let's consider an extreme example to see how this might work.

If someone punches you in the face, you will feel pain. (Having actually been punched in the face, I can share that the pain of that blow usually passes shortly.)

While the cause of the pain is the punch in the face, you still have a choice to take it personally or not.

If you take it personally when someone punches you in the face (actually or metaphorically), you may suffer mentally (which is different from bodily pain). That suffering can come in the form of afflictive emotions such as resentment, anger, and even hatred.

That suffering can linger for a very long time and may cause you to retaliate in a way that you will later regret.

So let's say you choose not to take it personally.

That does not mean there are no consequences for the other person. In a calm state of mind (because you are free of afflictive emotions), you might call 911. You could say to the emergency operator, "I was just assaulted, and the witnesses are restraining the assailant." The officers arrive and arrest the person for assault and battery.

And, on the spot, you may choose to forgive that person.

Forgiveness is a whole other topic! I can share that I am not at the point of development where I could be beaten, lashed, and nailed to a cross and cry out: "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."

I know that NOT taking anything personally can be extraordinarily challenging.

However, I encourage you to give it a try and notice if you are more at peace.