The Dreaded Drama Triangle

What role do you play in the drama triangle?!

I find this framework to be so helpful in understanding myself and others more when I feel like I'm stuck and frustrated, or just not making progress in a particular relationship or situation. (Drama Triangle www.karpmandramatriangle.com)

Here are a few characteristics of the three different roles in the Drama Triangle and the catchphrase that is common for each.

🌟 PERSECUTOR: “You are useless, it’s all your fault.”

• Battles with others to try to achieve inner peace
• Isolated by own attitudes and behaviors
• Think they are right (need to be right), and others wrong
• See black and white, rarely see shades of gray
• If challenged- become defensive/aggressive (passively or actively)
• Difficulty accepting personal responsibility in a situation
• Always need to be right

🌟 VICTIM: “I can't, but it won't work, tell me what to do”

• Makes excuses “yes but…”
• Others feel exhausted/frustrated trying to help them
• Not much emotional investment in actually making changes
• Resist accepting personal responsibility, blame others for their own situation
• Limited self-awareness (putting glue on their own shoes to stay stuck)
• Need to be heard/seen
• “I just don’t have enough time to take care of myself….”
• People who usually don’t take action (don’t have enough energy, time, money, etc)

🌟 RESCUER- “I’ll just do it for you"

• Limited attention to their own needs
• Martyr to their causes— exhausted by efforts expended on behalf of others
• Their enabling can become disabling for others
• Tries to mediate but can end up on receiving end
• Needs to feel needed
• Accuse/blames self if not doing or being enough
• Cannot do other people’s inner work for them!!!

Questions to ask yourself:

• Where in your life do you often play the victim? The persecutor? The rescuer?
• What do you think has been keeping you stuck in this role in a particularly challenging situation (perhaps with a colleague, boss, administrator)?! What role would you say the other person is playing?

Greater self-awareness —> change emotional responses (move away from drama triangle) into piece of balance — greater emotional wisdom and potential to transform negative beliefs and behavior patterns into positive self-regard

Increased self-awareness -→ we are less likely to get unconsciously caught in the triangle other people are acting out and not to get locked into a role within the drama triangle

If we do get caught in the triangle- we are able to recognize what is happening, and make an informed choice about reclaiming place of balance from that awareness

We’re not here to fix anyone else (partner, child, etc)- we are only working on ourselves and how we show up in our relationships. We lead by becoming the best versions of ourselves.

True leadership- stepping into our power!

The great news is-- there is an antidote to the Drama Triangle -- called the Empowerment Triangle! For each role, there is a counterpart role to shift to for more responsibility/accountability! Stay tuned for more on the Empowerment Triangle!