Emotional Literacy - Helping Dads Feel All the Feels, Part 2 (Self-Awareness)

Last week, I launched a new mini-series for my weekly “Dadhood” LinkedIn newsletter dedicated to Emotional Literacy in Dads with my friend and dad coach, Dr. Robert Zeitlin.

You can catch the introduction to that series here.

This time, I wanted to zoom in on one of the aspects of emotional literacy and what I think is the key to fostering it in our parenting: self-awareness. I don’t know how you can attempt to get a better read on your emotions or your kids' emotions without a level of self-awareness. The question is: how do we start to become self-aware?

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Jonathan: Dr. Robert, our last conversation kicking off this series was a blast. Hearing your story and journey into emotional literacy was very inspiring. As we build out this mini-series with topics around emotional literacy, the next best place to start seems to be self-awareness - what it is, how we can become more self-aware, and how self-awareness is key to emotional literacy.

I guess I want to start out our conversation this time on the negative side of self-awareness. Like, how does it impact us and our parenting when we lack self-awareness? How has a lack of self-awareness negatively shown up in your parenting? How did it impact your kids?

Dr. Robert: I remember one time going off on one of my kids. I was horrified when I realized what I did.

I thought I was driving my point home, by being assertive. What I learned later was that I crossed the line from being assertive to being aggressive. I didn’t feel the difference. I got lost in the moment. I didn’t see the reaction that would have told me to slow down. I was blinded by my internal drive to “make them understand!”

I wasn’t aware of how scared I felt for my kid, triggered into a fight or flight mode. So what came out was a diatribe, a stern lecture.

I learned that my kid felt traumatized. The result was that they felt hesitant to open up to me for a while. I apologized once I understood what happened but still, the scars remained.

J: Wow, thanks for sharing that. I can definitely feel the weight of that story in my own parenting adventures and painful lessons. I guess sometimes the only way we can learn as dads is to make a mistake and learn the hard way. Nowadays “self-awareness” is almost becoming a buzzword and trendy like therapy; we’re obsessed with being self-aware all the time about everything. Do you think it’s possible in your pursuit of self-awareness to become hyper-aware or attain an unhealthy level of self-awareness? 

Dr. R: I don’t think there is an unhealthy level of self-awareness. But I do think there is a risk of over-intellectualizing. If you aren’t sure what you are feeling, the best thing to do is to sit down, take a few deep breaths, and look inside. What are you feeling in your body? Just be curious.

For instance, if I am convinced (in my head) that I am frustrated but I slow down and check in with my body, I may find that I’m really over it and I’ve moved on to some other feeling, maybe sadness or disappointment.

If you have trouble knowing what you are feeling, and checking in with your body doesn’t enlighten you, air it out with a friend. Ask them if you can bend their ear for a few minutes and ask them to listen if you sound defensive or are avoiding something. 

J: Yeah, that’s so good. I know my tendency for sure is to definitely overthink even my own self-awareness or (and this is meta) my awareness of my self-awareness. And I definitely do that intellectually instead of spending the time to sit with my feelings or how my body is in those moments. Friendship can definitely help me reset and get back to my true north during those palpable times. Well, since our culture does seem a little obsessed with self-awareness, I think it can create a lot of pressure on us dads to figure out how to perfect this trait or skill. But, as you and I both know, it’s a messy and at times pathetic journey stumbling across moments of self-awareness. Speak to your journey into self-awareness and the role of grace.

Dr. R: I remember my Dad criticizing me for overthinking things, saying that I was suffering from “paralysis by analysis.” I think that statement came from his fear of getting in touch with feelings and being vulnerable. The messages he received growing up warned him to “Stay Away!” from those dangerous areas.

Still, I grew up worrying about what I didn’t know, specifically having a blind spot pointed out. That version of vulnerability is very upsetting to me, where someone else sees something about me that I don’t see. The fact is that you just don’t know what you don’t know.

I am working on increasing the grace that I offer myself around my blind spots. If I keep beating myself up over something that is outside of my control, I’m never going to make progress. So when I saw the shocked reaction to my “speaking sternly” to my kid, I had a choice: decide everyone else is wrong or adjust my reality to fit what I am seeing.

With grace, I can accept that I was yelling, even if it didn’t feel that way coming out of my mouth and my heart.

J: This is definitely my therapy session for the week, thanks for that. ;) But seriously, grace and forgiveness for self are so key for progress here. But like a good adventure story, there is always a vital starting point - a threshold to cross, a door that must be walked through. So if all of this is true, then where do you start, if you feel like you aren’t self-aware?

Dr. R: This all starts inside you. I know that the “self” in self-awareness is obviously about you. What I mean, though, is that my relationship with myself is the basis for how I treat others and how I anticipate them treating me.

If I use a harsh tone to criticize myself when I mess up, what is going to come out when I’m unhappy with my kids’ behavior? Harshness.

We also interpret other people’s intentions using the same tools. I messed up. Is my partner going to offer me grace? It’s hard to assume that others will be forgiving if I never forgive myself for mistakes.

J: This is such a powerful way to end this week. How we treat ourselves will roll over into how we treat our kids. Grace upon grace. Dr. Robert, thanks again for another great conversation. I am grateful for how you model self-awareness for us dads and do so with such vulnerability and honesty. It is definitely a process and we are all a work in progress. I think that graciously embracing our own feeble but valiant attempts at becoming more self-aware and inviting other dads into that messy journey are going to be the difference between us growing in it or decaying.

I don’t want to see a decay in my own self-awareness. I want to cultivate that soul with good seed, fertilizer, water, and time and love spent tending that garden. Thank you for being a fellow gardener with us and letting us into the strategy of your field. I look forward to our next series.

Hey Dads, if you haven’t already, hit the Subscribe button to this newsletter on my newsletter page or visit the link below to subscribe. Invite a dad you know who wants to grow in emotional literacy and keep showing up for himself and his kids. Until next time friends!

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