An encounter with myself in the mirror
I looked myself in the mirror, for more than the usual few seconds, for the first time in years.
I was not looking with the intention to shave, brush my teeth, wash my face, nor clean up this time.
I was looking for myself, in the mirror!
I was looking with the intention to spend time with myself, seeing myself, just like I would with any other human being I spend time with.
I am used to spending time with myself, a personal reflection and mindful presence time that I dedicate, however, this time, I wanted to actually see myself, to see myself, and the mirror was my best option.
I brought my face closer to the mirror, zooming in on my features, and I realized how the person in the mirror was a stranger to me. I did not recall the last time I had perused my visual appearance and meticulously examined the wrinkles, the dark circles, the freckles, they grey hairs, that had developed over the years.
I was like a baby with a new toy, struck and taken by what I was seeing, taking it all in. My hands unconsciously moved to examine and feel my face, absorb the person in front me.
Along with this fascination to encounter the facial details of the 38-yr old me, I noticed judgment and criticism creep in.
Thoughts such as: "Why do you look so shabby?"; "Look at that hair!" "Your beard needs a trim"; "Is this what others see, where is the beauty and charm they compliment?"
(My body tingles even as I recall this incident and capture these thoughts)
Usually, I would have moved on to something else to get busy and distract myself from such comments from my inner voice, yet this time, I wanted to entertain them, so I kept listening. I wondered what it would have to say if I zoomed out, widened the torso view in frame.
I took my shirt off, to give my inner critic more material to play with, and it did not disappoint.
"Look at those thin pecks, after years of going to the gym"; "You look so feeble in your stance, where is that confidence you project to the world hidden under your suits and colorful clothes?" "Look at how you're shaped like a pear at the belly!"
I have been harboring a bully!
This bully has been growing within me all my life and I had gotten accustomed to its voice, criticizing me, putting me down, undermining me and all that I do, making me feel less, not good enough (neither for me, nor for others).
This was not the first time I had witnessed him, but it was the first time I had listened to him so attentively, so clearly, given him the podium and the spotlight willingly, versus having him heckle me from his hidden seats in the back of my sub conscience.
I was ashamed of myself, felt so demeaned, so dismal that this is how I saw myself when all the masks where lifted.
Perhaps this is the intention of my self critic after all, to linger in the quiet corners of my mind, to sow doubt and prey on my insecurities.
And trust me, in that moment, it was doing one hell of a job! A master at work!
I started asking myself how did I live up with him all those years, tolerating his bullying and violent language?
How did I allow this bully to fester within, despite all the self-worth and self-love work I have invested myself in the past decade or so?
I was still standing in front of the mirror as all these silent conversation were taking place amongst the various voices and levels of consciousness within me.
Just as I would do with any other human I was enjoying a conversation with and I was ready to move on, I thanked my inner critic for showing up fully, for joining me for this short time we had spent together and told him that I'd be back, I won't let him out of my sight for too long!
It has been a few weeks since that encounter, and I have been processing it, and bringing light and love into that dark side of me.
I realize where that inner critic has picked up its narratives from, and what has fed him over the years, and that him and my inner child need to be tended for and loved.
I know that he is a strong part of my dark side, and that shunning him away will only make him fiercer, and just like any bully, his actions and choice of words are a result of unmet needs that are now my turn to provide and offer.
I am also grateful for this inner critic within, as just like a tough coach, it has often pushed me beyond my limits and desires to prove myself, to myself.
I am glad that I am was able to have and loudly listen to this internal dialogue, as it does shape my actions and decisions, towards myself and others.
I know for a fact that it has severely hindered my creative endeavors and my willingness to take action towards some of my creative ideas and visions. It has prevented me from believing the expressions of appreciation, love, and compliments I struggle to receive.
This is my growth edge, or at least one of them, at this stage of my life, one that is ripe for dedicating time and love to.
What about you?
I invite you to take 10 minutes (and more hopefully) to reflect upon those questions, maybe even spend time with yourself in the mirror this weekend.
Perhaps this candid reflection from Catherine Brennon, well documented by "Reflection of Life" team could inspire you as well.
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About ANMU
Ever since I was a kid, I asked a lot of questions, to the point that my teachers had to complain to my parents, thinking it was intentional to distract and grab attention. As I grew older, I realized that this is how I perceive life, through curiosity and questioning. Today, as a spiritual seeker who invites others to walk this path through my work, I use this space to invite you to ask yourself some of the questions I ask myself.
Through ANMU, I encourage you to gift yourself that time, to step out of the auto-pilot mode, and spend some time "listening" to the answers, to live the question.
To make the most out of ANMU, I suggest you: