Essay: Growing Old is Not for the Weak
--Growing old: heroes and mentors in transition, generally downhill
In response to another one of my essays, Boyd Harter (guest co-author of this essay) recently wrote, "There are few topics that society feels uncomfortable discussing openly. I think the truth of 'growing old' is one such topic. Thank you for the essay about how it felt to be growing older, particularly about it not being as funny as some think when they tease the 'old guy'. I had hoped to find time to respond to that essay, but like so much of life, it stopped at 'intent'. Had I responded I would have simply shared that I will take your words to heart and be more mindful of that form of joking. I also would have suggested that for those making such jokes--and I think we all have at some point—might it not be that we use the humor as a way for ourselves to process and come to terms with those we love 'growing old'? It is not easy to watch our mentors and heroes in transition to becoming different, lesser, forms of mentors/heroes. Humor helps ease the sting.
"Transitions (in life) are often difficult, really really difficult. They are messy and humbling. 'Growing old' may be the most difficult of the transitions we go through. During the early stages of our lives, transitions are usually approached with impatience and excitement. I don't believe this is true for our later-life transitions." I agree with Boyd about "growing old" being one of the most difficult transitions in our lives, but I might tweak his observation about how we greet transitions as we age, in this sense: If we are talking about transitions that are exciting based upon our attitudes when we are younger, then old age transitions might not be nearly as exciting. However, if we consider age-appropriate transitions, perhaps at the senior level we don't need all of the pizzaz in our transitions for them to be as exciting (relatively speaking) as we would like them to be. Later life transitions might be more "different" than "better" or "worse" than those we had at a younger age, but they might still bring a freshness and a dollop of excitement because of their newness. Also, we might have a bit more control over these more modest but "different" transitions than over those that occur earlier in our lives. That additional influence or control could be exciting or at least welcomed and considered a positive feature of "growing old".
There is no training or even a “head’s up” about growing old
"Growing old", a multi-faceted process, is so important and inevitable that it seems reasonable to expect that either as a part of parenting or within our educational systems, significant attention would be paid to prepare us for navigating our way through the process in as productive and positive a way as possible. Speaking for myself, I do not recall anyone providing training or even a "head's up" about what was to come in my later years. Boyd's perspective is much the same: "This past decade (45 to 55 years old) has made me aware that very little that came before this stage of life prepared me for 'growing old'. All the schooling I've had, mentors (both professional and personal), family, friends, and just society as a whole, rarely if ever spoke candidly about what growing 'old' meant, and its associated trials and tribulations. Some might have tried to address it, but if so, their cautions and insights would have fallen on the deaf ears of a younger, once seemingly invincible version of myself.
Watching others struggle with growing old
"I find it difficult to believe that others don't also struggle, at least mildly, with experiencing themselves progressively slowing down and becoming more fragile. Additionally, and just as difficult, watching older friends, family members and colleagues go through this first. What might also make it tough are the challenges of slowing down are compounded by the process beginning more or less simultaneously with one's children reaching their physically strongest and mentally most acutely sharp periods of their lives. Coming to grips with those we love 'growing old' might be one of the most perplexing, sad and challenging issues, with no obvious place to turn for guidance."
I remember, there used to be a time when I could…
Boyd’s observations make a great deal of sense. I wish I'd thought of them, but didn't. Nor had I considered two additional facets of the 'growing old' phenomenon: "It is distressing to watch oneself become a version that cannot compete with earlier versions of oneself. For much of our life we can find ways to address this situation. Maybe what we accomplished through blunt force earlier can now be accomplished and improved upon through the benefits of experience and efficiency. And even later in life, these same things can be accomplished , at least as well, by perhaps drawing on our network and again on our even deeper experience.
Eventually we reach an age where this is no longer true, and we must concede to our younger selves. This happens across the entire spectrum of activities over various timelines. It begins slowly and then speeds up after a certain point, a point that probably differs from person to person. Eventually, the concessions far outnumber the alternative until we have no more 'wins' against our younger selves." To some extent, it seems to me (Riedy) the issues discussed in my essay, Death by 1,000 Cuts, parallel Boyd's thoughts on the 'me, now versus me, then' competition. Our capabilities 'then' are imbedded and unchangeable today, but our capabilities 'now' are changing constantly, and generally in the direction of becoming less than they were in the past.
Expectations of ourselves really have a short shelf life
Boyd's second set of observations involve changes in expectations of ourselves. "When my first child was born, I simply thought I'd put my prior pre-parental interests on hold for 18 years and then be back at them for another 40 years or so. I thought it was a choice I was making. Two years later, child number two came along, and three years later than child two, child three showed up. Oddly, I still believed that the initial pre-parental version of myself was waiting on hold. It was ready to emerge from hibernation as soon as number three child headed off to college. Somewhere well before my empty nesting stage, however, I realized the pre-parental version of myself was not in hibernation. No, it was gone, never to return. I had changed. Those around me had changed. Society had changed. Oh boy, had society changed! All of a sudden, one day this current version of myself was different. I was enjoying new and different interests and had become disinterested in many of the enjoyments my pre-parental person had craved."
The time capsule suggestion
Friends, as I reflect on the content of this essay, it occurs to me that it might be fun, or at least instructive, for you to consider constructing a time capsule of your private, most intimate thoughts about the "you" of today and your expectations about the same "you" ten or 20 years from now. Write them down and seal them in an envelope that you are likely to find ten or 20 years from now. Every five years write a new set of observations, to be unsealed and read ten or 20 years hence. The whole process might put you more in tune with yourself and how you and/or your expectations are changing over time. In thinking about what to write, re-read this essay for guidance. It need not be long, a page or less, but I suspect the results will be eye-opening and fun to read at the same time. Let me know if you think this is a good idea or not. Chances are I won't be around in ten, much less 20 years, to read anything I might encapsulate in a time capsule...but come to think of it, I can arrange for it to be made available to my family in the future, and in it I could then also include my final "love letter" to each of them.
End of Essay
Boyd Harter, co-author of this essay, is a close family friend. I have known him since he was an infant. In responding to one of my other essays he brought up several of these issues, which piqued my interest. He agreed to be identified and would welcome your feedback directly to him, or to me to share with him. His email is shown below.
Boyd is an exceptionally articulate and insightful individual and a highly successful business executive. Erin and I met his parents in 1965 , when his father and I were graduate students in the MBA program at Washington University in St. Louis, and our employment and locations overlapped four additional times over the next 58 years. Having been a part of Boyd's life since he was an infant, it has been an unique privilege and pleasure to work with him on this essay. He forced me to think about many issues, which I thoroughly enjoyed as a challenge, and hopefully the thoughts we've cobbled together in this essay will prove to be "food for thought" for many of you as well. Please consider the time capsule idea! I greatly appreciate the time, effort and thought Boyd put into his work as co-author.
He can be reached at boydharter@yahoo.com
Mark J. Riedy, PhD Boyd Harter
October 24, 2023 October 24, 2023
Owner and President at John Riedy Photography
1yWhat an insightful and thought provoking essay, dad and Boyd! One of my most poignant memories I have of our relationship took place about twenty years ago on the golf course. I had made some off handed comment (trying to be funny) that made light of something you had done or maybe said that showed your advancing age. We’ve always been a family that teases each other as a sign of affection. However this jibe had clearly struck a nerve. I remember you taking a moment to gather your thoughts and then asking me straight out if I would consider being more mindful of making jokes about your age/declining abilities. It was a moment of raw honesty and vulnerability that struck me very hard. I’d rarely seen you, my hero, as anything but invincible. Normally, I might have joked or made light of your comment, but I knew this was not the time. I promised you then, and I hope I’ve kept my word, that I wouldn’t needle you about “growing old “. I’m so glad you trusted me enough to share your feelings on this with me that day. I think our relationship is stronger because of it. And as I rapidly approach (gulp) “growing old” myself, I get it. I love you, dad, and I think it’s awesome you’ve started this conversation.
Clinical Professor, Clemson University, Clemson SC
1yOh dear. No I did not hear that. So sad and so sorry. I know the two of you were very close. If you get a chance please send me his address. I have forgotten his wife’s name but I liked her a lot and would like to send a card. Thanks. Take care of and hope you have a good week.
Clinical Professor, Clemson University, Clemson SC
1yEnjoyed your essay. Hope you and Erin are well. And, you are 100% correct…it’s not easy growing old but hopefully it’s not been too hard on you guys! Hang in there.