'Everything's perfect but…' Lessons from writing a sex advice column

(Above image purchased from Shutterstock at great personal expense.)

Confession. I used to write an "intimate advice" column. It was a hobby, like birdwatching or collecting stamps or building ships in bottles. Only a whole lot more fun. My interest was not salacious. Really it wasn't. I felt like I was exploring primal psychology, areas of the psyche beyond the reach of executive function.

I thought my cover had been blown when, out of the blue, a newly-minted LinkedIn connection asked me for some marital advice. So I decided to come clean with you and share five things I learned from six years as a fictional sex advice columnist from a fictional country called Svutlandia, "little island in Baltic Sea" where they don't use definite or indefinite articles and always speak in the present tense.

1. "Everything is perfect but…" My favourite questions were the ones that began "My marriage is perfect--my husband is a good provider, an excellent dinner party host and above-average barbecuer, but…" and then she'd go on to detail the most outré high-maintenance fetish that involved several trips to Babies "R" Us.

How many of us labour under the "everything's perfect but" delusion? Our basic needs are being met and we think this means everything's perfect and we should be thankful, but at the core there may be something terribly terribly wrong.

2. You can take the MBA toolbox to the bedroom. Pardon the unpardonable imagery. Goal setting, continuous improvement, feedback--these are valuable tools that can be used in even the most intimate areas of our lives. Especially continuous improvement. Everybody should have a sex advice column for the learning opportunity it affords. If not, try the "stop-start-continue" feedback card.

3. Non-judgment is the best judgment. Every question tested my ability to be open-minded and non-judgmental and to correctly apply the golden rule. I tried to imagine what it would be like for each person in the dilemma presented to me and how, based on different advice, it might play out. This has made me very good at scenario development and risk management.

4. There's no such thing as normal, nor should there be. So many questions ended somewhat masochistically with "Is this normal?" question as if begging me to pass negative judgment.

Dorothy Parker always came to mind...

Everything that's common isn't necessarily the right thing to do, so let's do away with the meaningless word "normal" and stop the self tyranny.

5. Laughter is the best medicine…and aphrodisiac. Some of the questions I received made me laugh, and some of my character's answers made me laugh. Having a sex advice column helped me see the absurdity, mystery and wonder in everything. And it left me with the abiding thought from Marshall Goldsmith (not a sex therapist) who has the best all-purpose advice for all advice columnists: "We're all going to die anyway, so be happy (as long as it doesn't impinge on someone else's happiness)".

My advice to you? Make happy happy…whatever that means to you.

Lynne Everatt is a former Globe and Mail Careers (not sex) columnist, canfitpro-certified personal trainer, and the author of two books, Drink Wine and Giggle and Emails from the Edge (nominated for the Stephen Leacock award for humour). She has retired her sex advice column, but as an exclusive offer for LinkedInians, will dispense advice upon request.