F*-It

We could hear them through the wall. Laughing.

Laughing at us.

My heart sank.

Things had been going so well. Our two teams were getting to know each other. We had, I thought, been building trust. And now this – we had returned from a meeting and they were making fun of us. My team went through the full range of emotions you might expect: shame, anger, frustration, fear. Where would we go from here?

That night and over the following days I went round and round in circles in my head about what had happened and how to lead the team through it. I started to question every interaction I had had with the other team, second-guessing myself and everything I had said and done until that point.

And then I stopped. Instead of ricocheting around between self-blame and self-justification, I took a step back, took a deep breath and tried a more orderly approach.

Here’s a framework that can help in situations like these: Feeling, Fact and Future. It’s not magic  - and I’m sure there are many others that would work just as well, albeit without the handy alliteration - but I’ve found it a pretty reliable way to get myself out of confusion:

😣Feeling: write down all the emotions you are feeling about the situation. Really go for it – unleash all that fear and judgement of yourself and others. I do this not to ‘get rid’ of the feelings but to acknowledge them - to get them out of me so that I can accept them without being wholly or unconsciously guided by them.

🧠Fact: list out the truth of the situation. What actually happened? What do you know and what might just be stories in your head? But this is not just the ‘facts’ as you see them. Also put yourself in the shoes of others. You might even ask other people how they see it to test your assumptions.

👉Future: now that you can see your feelings and the all the possible facts it’s time for you to chose what you want you do next and why. There might be a few options here (including doing nothing) but the point is to be intentional about it, taking into account what your emotions are telling you and where the facts are pointing.

At the time, doing this helped me see the situation from their perspective. I had more empathy for them and could understand their urge to make fun of us. I was also able to accept my role in what happened without taking the blame or letting that cloud my hope for the future of the relationship. (Good job too, as later we went from strength to strength, getting through some pretty rough times together).

How do you get clarity when feelings run high?