The F-Word: Turning Failure into Feedback

The Preparation Process

10 hours – that’s how much time I spent prepping for my latest speaking engagement.

I’m sure that to some, that feels like a lot, and to others, not enough time to prepare to be in front of a crowd.

The topic given to me was familiar to me…one that I talk about OFTEN…just never in a formal setting, Scalability.

I’m not a trained speaker. It’s not my first love…but I enjoy helping people, which is often a byproduct of getting to speak. 

When someone gives you a stage and you get to help people in the process, you take it! I was excited. The laughs from the crowd, the raised eyebrows at stories I tell, the inquisitive looks, the leaning in, the head nods, the notetaking, the snapping pics of PowerPoint slides…I could envision this talk already and was giddy for it all!

 My process for preparing looked a little like this:

• Thinking about my topic (probably way too much).
• Thinking about my audience (women business owners and professionals).
• Outlining my thoughts.
• Writing.
• Rewriting.
• Adding stories.
• Questioning my content.
• Rewriting.
• Pondering on whether my content would be applicable to those in the room.
• Rewriting.
• Going over content again.
• Practicing it to get the points in my mind.
• Timing it through two times.
• Figuring out what I needed to cut as I was going to go long.
• Timing it again, this time speaking out loud.
• Sending to my assistant to create a one-page document to hand out to those in attendance since PowerPoint was not going to be available.

 10 hours…maybe more.

Commitment Amidst Excitement:

I had agreed to do this speaking engagement for free earlier in the year.

“Why?” you ask. Well, I had just spoken to 250+ women entrepreneurs and business owners in my own hometown of Tulsa, Oklahoma when a friend of a friend approached me, asking if I would consider speaking at her event a few months away in another city (drivable).

I was on a high from walking off stage and felt like I had done a great job sharing some expertise, making people laugh, and giving them something to think about in their own businesses.

I inquired the date, the location, and looked at my calendar, agreeing right there on the spot that it was a YES. Why would I say no?

As the date neared, and before writing my content, I had several questions for the person organizing the event:

Q: What time is the event?

A: 12pm-1:15pm – please be there 20-30 min early.

Q: Who is my audience?  

A: Women business owners plus professionals from the area.

 Q: How many people?  

A:15-25 – but we never really know who is going to show up.

Q: Do you want a PowerPoint?   

A: No, not sure about the capabilities of the space.

Q: Confirming my topic is Scalability?

A: Yes.

Anticipation and Disappointment

About 1 week before the event, I was asked to send my headshot and bio.

 The day of the speaking engagement started with a little bit of disappointment as my kids and grandkids had decided to come into town for the weekend and to stay over an extra day for more family time. That extra day was my out of town speaking engagement. I was sad to be missing time with my family but had made a commitment that I was going to keep. They understood.

 It would be a 5 hour commitment the day of the event – 1.5 hours travel there, 2 hours speaking and networking, 1.5 hours home.

 I showed up to the event, ready to speak, 30 minutes early, and sat in my car to go over my notes for 10 more minutes before I went inside.

 As I entered, I was greeted by my friend’s friend who oversaw the event. She welcomed me and showed me where I would be speaking.

 The first thing that I noticed was there was no food or beverages. Since this was at lunchtime, I had wrongly assumed that there would be food. No worries…it’s not like I hadn’t had a meal the day before…I was not going to starve to death!

 We continued visiting when another person entered the space. I greeted her and found out what she did for a living.

 Another person showed up as the clock hit noon, event start time. At 10 minutes after noon, it was just the 4 of us and I awkwardly asked if we should get started?

 Because there were only 3 guests (a 4th joined a few minutes later), I asked if they would be okay with me scrapping my prepared “Scalability” talk as I didn’t feel it was going to be as applicable or relevant as we had hoped, now knowing who was in the room.

Instead, I mentally scraped my 10 hours of prep work and suggested that I just tell them my entrepreneurial journey.

Our time together went quickly – and before I knew it, I was in the car headed home. My expectations of the day had not been met, and I was not in a good headspace.

Facing Reality

Here is what I know.

Circumstances create Thoughts

Thoughts create Feelings

Feelings create Actions

Actions Create Results

Circumstances are simply FACTS – they are neither positive nor negative.

Circumstance 1: 4 people showed up to hear me speak – and one was the organizer!

Circumstance 2: No food or drink available.

Circumstance 3: I spent 10 hours prepping and 5 hours traveling and speaking for a 15 hour commitment for 4 people.

Circumstance 4: I missed time with my family.

Circumstance 5: I had spent money on gas to get there.

Circumstances Create Thoughts

 Thoughts going through my head:

Thought 1: I’m frustrated.

Thought 2: Why did I not think to ask more questions?

Thought 3: I can’t believe I drove an hour and a half one way and spent so much time on this.

Thought 4. I didn’t even get to do my talk.

Thought 5: Did they even really enjoy the time we had together?

Thought 6: Did they send my bio out?

Thought 7: Surely they didn’t send my bio out?

Thought 8: If they did send my bio out…and no one came…what does that say about me and my identity as a thought leader?

Thought 9: Maybe I’m not a thought leader?

Thought 10: I missed my kids and grandkids.

Thought 11: I’m hungry.

Thought 12: Why did I do this for free?

Thought 13: Why do I even care about the number? 4 people were there, and I should be happy.

Thought 14: This could have been prevented.

Thoughts Create Feelings

Feelings: If I’m being honest. I was super disappointed, embarrassed, frustrated, resentful, rejected, and maybe a little bit angry. And because of these feelings…guilt of feeling this way. Guilt because I didn’t have a grateful heart in the moment of getting an opportunity to have an audience at all.

 Feelings Create Actions

 Action -It took me about 5 minutes of my internal pity party to know that I was not angry at ANYONE, BUT MYSELF! This COULD HAVE BEEN prevented. Those thoughts and feelings were not serving me for a future better version of myself so I didn’t let myself stay in that headspace for too long. I prayed and then took a hold of my thoughts.

One of the things I learned a long time ago regarding the dreaded F-word (failure) is that failure is actually feedback! You take the failure, ask yourself the important question, “What could I have done differently to get a different outcome?”

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. And aren’t we thankful that in life, we typically get to do things more than once so we can learn, refine what didn’t work and then do it better the next time? This goes for our jobs, our relationships with our spouses, kids, friends and co-workers. It goes for the way we spend our time, the words we speak, etc. I’m always thankful for a Do-Over!

Action - Time to problem solve so this doesn’t ever happen again. Ask myself, what could I have done differently to get a different outcome?

• I could have not said YES in the moment and excitement of speaking to 250+ people.
• I could have weighed the decision more.
• I could have asked questions like:
• I could have shared that I have an honorarium (speaking fee).
• I could have shared that travel costs would need to be reimbursed, etc.

 Action – Add it to the issues list for my Level 10 meeting to discuss with my team.

I knew that I did not want to be in this place ever again…Those feelings of resentment and anger are not my normal feelings, and I knew I wanted to avoid them at all costs. It’s not the best version of me.

Actions Create Results

Result –My team and I took the time to problem solve around the issue and came up with some great next steps.

Results and Next Steps:

1. My Director of Operations will take all speaking engagement requests.
2. My Director of Operations will be communicative and share requirements like meals, travel, lodging, ground transportation, A/V, audience size, marketing efforts, etc.
3. Those requesting a speaker will be able to consider if I’m the best choice knowing the requirements in place.
4. I will be able to look at an opportunity after all the questions have been asked and answered to see if my time would best be spent in that endeavor based on the other business and personal activities and commitments at the time.
5. I will have time to pray about the opportunity.
6. I will be a better version of myself knowing what to truly expect to protect my heart from resentment.

 With this new system in place, I felt confident for RESULTS to come from future asks.

Lessons Learned

Years ago, I had a coach tell me the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

I did not want this to happen again…therefore I am choosing to do things differently in the future.

I get to put this one in the WIN column now. I had a failure that turned into a LEARNING.

Sometimes lessons from failure are hard…but they lead to a better version of ourselves. And when we are better versions of ourselves, we show up better for others…with a heart ready to serve.

I knew when I was sitting in my resentfulness that I couldn’t sit there long. I’m thankful that my brain allows me to go through some hard thoughts…and hard feelings…but also allows me to find a way to get back to JOY.

Is there something that you are thinking is FACT, but is really a thought that the enemy is putting in your head?

It might be helpful to go through the exercise that was shared above to get back to a better version of yourself.

It’s an eye opener for sure.

Shine Lesson Learned: When you encounter failure, ask yourself what you could have done differently to achieve a better outcome. This mindset turns setbacks into valuable learning opportunities.

Shine on, Shannon