The Fear of Confrontation: The Root, The Problem, The Solution

We are naturally drawn to people of good character—pleasant and respectful—not aggressive or confrontational. I have never heard someone say, "I like to hang out with—or admire—confrontational people." While confrontation is sometimes necessary, being a person who is constantly confrontational is not healthy nor appreciated by others. In fact, people avoid this type of person. The reality is that most of us fear confrontation—we feel anxious and uncomfortable just thinking about it.

However, we need to fear confrontation less because there are ways to do it effectively, healthily, and respectfully.

Confrontation is not a war; it is instead a tool that helps us solve problems or differences.

Why do we fear confrontation?

We do not necessarily fear confrontation; we fear feeling uncomfortable.

There are different reasons; here are some of them:

• We are afraid of standing up for ourselves—we are not assertive.
• We are afraid of how the other person or group of people will react.
• We are afraid of being rejected.
• We are afraid that the other person will respond negatively.
• We are afraid that we will not be considered friendly anymore.
• We are afraid that the person we confront will behave differently afterward.
• We are afraid that the person we confront will talk negatively about us.
• We are afraid that the person we confront will stop talking to us.
• We are afraid that the person we confront will start gossiping about us.
• We are afraid that things between us will get more uncomfortable.

These are all valid reasons why we fear confrontation. It is part of being human.

What happens when we avoid confrontation?

• We may experience anxiety.
• We experience negative emotions like anger, irritation, and frustration.
• We may experience body aches like headaches and neck and shoulder pain.
• We may have nightmares.
• We may get distracted and less productive.
• We may experience less joy.
• We may experience more fear than usual.

What can we do to get better at confrontation?

1. We must know we cannot control how the other person will respond to our confrontation. Some people will not like it, and others will appreciate us for it.
2. We need to control our emotions and avoid confronting someone when we are feeling angry, frustrated, or irritated.
3. We need to be respectful. Confrontation does not have to be aggressive; we must be assertive instead.
4. It is better to confront someone in person. We can find a place without distractions. We should never confront someone in front of others unless it is necessary. Confrontation is not about humiliating others.
5. Use "I" statements instead of "You" statements—people tend to respond better this way. We do not need to yell and attack the other person. Also, we should not point fingers and be aware of our body language as much as our words.
6. We must be clear and concise and watch our tone of voice. We do not have to do all the talking. It is disrespectful to contradict or interrupt the other person. We must also listen with our ears, eyes, and hearts.
7. We are not responsible for the outcome. If the person responds negatively, that's their reaction. If the person responds positively, we need to thank them.

I know this is more challenging than it sounds. If someone says or does something hurtful to us, and we do not say or do anything about it, it is okay if we decide to let it go. It is important to choose our battles. However, if the same person says or does something hurtful to us again, and we decide to let it go again, we only hurt ourselves by letting negative emotions grow inside us, which is unhealthy. As a result, we may feel angry, frustrated, or irritated at that person. Additionally, it is not fair for that other person not to know how we feel about them and pretend that everything is okay when it is not.

It has been said that people treat us the way we allow them to treat us. So, let's make sure we set healthy boundaries and a good example.

The Benefits of Confrontation

When done effectively:

• Confrontation can help us be more assertive and courageous.
• Confrontation can help us strengthen our relationships.
• Confrontation can help us feel better— emotionally and physically.
• Even if the confrontation results in a loss, like losing a friendship, a working relationship, etc., we will be more at ease knowing who is meant to stay in our lives and who is not. 
• Confrontation eliminates unnecessary stress and drama in our lives.
• Confrontation prepares us to handle difficult conversations and difficult people.
• Confrontation improves our communication skills.

We want people who will respect, cherish, and accept us for who we are—not for what they want us to be.

After all, grown-ups are more capable of dealing with life's challenges; well, some better than others. We will not be happy if we let our emotions rule our lives. Let's not think of confrontation as something negative; remember it is about how we approach it. Confrontation does not have to be aggressive. 

Would you like to share about a time when you confronted someone and share about that experience? Please comment below.