Fear or Unconditional Self-Worth - What’s Your Driving Force?

Research shows that a healthy dose of self-compassion and unconditional self-worth are much more likely to help you succeed and achieve profound personal growth.

One of the things I keep coming across with many of my clients is ‘fear motivation’. For various reasons unique to the individual, fear seems to be the primary catalyst behind their desires to learn, improve, and succeed. 

But amongst the long list of fears that dictate their life, one that seems common among all these people is their fear of ‘settling’. They feel (and believe) that if they accept, love and appreciate themselves just as they are (unconditional self-worth), their ambition and potential for growth will stagnate. And this is particularly true for high-achievers. But would you believe me if I told you this couldn’t be further from the truth? 

If you have a healthy dose of self-compassion and let your unconditional self-worth take control and lead the way, you are much more likely to achieve great things.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, researcher, author and founder of the Centre for Mindful Compassion, there are several (research-based) reasons that make self-compassion a much better motivator and driver of success in life and at work. 

People with a strong sense of self-worth and a healthy dose of self-compassion are better off because:

1. They are less likely to focus their motivations on pleasing others. Instead, their desire to be better and to develop is based on living a meaningful life that aligns with their core values.
2. They experience less anxiety and engage in fewer self-handicapping behaviours, such as procrastination, than those who are self-critical.
3. They are more likely to learn from their failures and take them in their stride rather than become debilitated by them.
4. They see and achieve more significant improvements in themselves and their tasks.

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is treating yourself with kindness, empathy, love and respect. And it’s an important and powerful motivator that can help you develop your true sense of worth. The idea behind self-compassion is to try and use encouragement instead of criticism to support and drive you to reach your goals. Dr. Kristen Neff believes that if we care and value ourselves, we will be much more likely to make changes (even hard ones) to help us find a greater purpose in life and reach our goals.

What is self-worth (and why it’s not the same as self-esteem)?

Self-worth is your sense of ‘value’ as a living, breathing being in the world. We all possess it, irrelevant to our achievements, accomplishments or possessions (material or otherwise). It is the intrinsic value you carry within you just for being alive and being you – no conditions attached. So when we talk about self-worth, we refer to something that cannot (and should not) be measured. It just is, and it exists within every one of us, whether we realise it or not.

Self-esteem, on the other hand, is all about how you rate (and value) yourself against external factors, whether they be people or accomplishments. So, self-esteem is all about the ‘conditions’ you place for measuring your ability to perform and achieve in various areas of life and work. Although distinct, it is linked to self-worth because it directly impacts your perception of how worthy you believe you are. 

How have we come to confuse self-worth with self-esteem?

Many of us run into a problem when we tie our self-worth to our self-esteem, setting conditions for our intrinsic value. This happens because we place a set of criteria in the form of ‘capabilities’ or ‘achievements’ (external factors) that determine our ‘worth’. When in fact, our self-worth (as mentioned above) is unconditional. So whenever you measure yourself against something or someone, you are working on your self-esteem, not your self-worth.

One of the places where this confusion becomes most apparent (and most problematic) is in the workplace. For example, you might think, "If I finish this project with flying colours and get recognition from my superiors, I am worthy." And, if you don’t, your brain goes into autopilot, automatically making you perceive yourself as worthless. So because your self-esteem takes a hit, it takes your sense of self-worth down with it. But the truth is, whether you score goals at work – or not – your intrinsic value as an individual never changes. Instead, it’s the perception of your worth that fluctuates.

Why do we set ‘conditions’ and attach them to our sense of self-worth?

The short answer to why we set conditions and attach them to our sense of self-worth is that they are part of our belief systems. Whether we realise it or not, most of the decisions we make throughout our lives and how we perceive certain situations (including ourselves) – are all the result of unconsciously developed conditions and learnings we’ve acquired through life experiences (primarily through childhood). 

For instance: as a child, your parent may only have appeared to give you attention, affection, praise or recognition (all forms of 'love') when you scored perfectly in a school exam. Over time, this repeated pattern forms the internalised belief that your self-worth (and worthiness of love) is conditional upon excelling technically or academically. This would be in contrast to a parent giving you love irrespective of whether you 'succeed' or 'fail'.

These internalised beliefs become so deeply ingrained that we don’t tend to be aware of them (even though they are entirely running our lives) unless we do some deep and deliberate self-analyses. 

How to develop unconditional self-worth

To develop unconditional self-worth, the key lies in making the unconscious – conscious. In this case, it’s about identifying the conditions you have attached to your self-worth and then working through them, so you can let go of them. Your ultimate goal is to reach a point where you adopt a sense of unconditional self-worth (or self-love) that is not dependent on any form of achievement. 

4 Steps to Develop Your Unconditional Self-Worth

Understanding how a particular condition became attached to your sense of self-worth will help you come to terms with it, so you can let go of it. There are four steps you can take to help you identify, challenge and do away with your conditions:

#1 Identify your 'conditions' 

• First, write a list of the conditions or criteria that you have attached to your self-worth. Remember, these are unique to you. To help you make a start, ask yourself, ‘What are the things that make me feel ‘worthy’ or ‘successful’?’ 
• Next to each condition, write why you associate it with self-worth. This part might take some time and is where you need to do the most digging in terms of your childhood experiences. For example, if you have a high-paying job as one of your conditions, it may be because you grew up in a low-income family, and this was a constant strain for your parents, which was passed on to you as you grew up.

#2 Challenge your 'conditions' and critical inner voice

• Challenge each one of your conditions by putting them to the test of whether or not they genuinely reflect your value as a person. Chances are, each condition represents one segment of your life and not your entire being, so it’s important to bring things into perspective here. 
• After you challenge your conditions, move on to challenge your critical inner voice. This is the self-talk and internal dialogue inside your head, which brings up negative and destructive thoughts. As you have challenged your conditions above, evaluate and rationalise these thoughts. 

# 3 Keep on top of your ‘conditions’ 

• The final (and probably the most important) step is to ensure you don’t bury your list of conditions into your subconscious again. Keep them front of mind, be aware and be deliberate about acknowledging and rationalising them consistently. Think of your conditions a bit like you would think of your career goals. Once you jot them down, you need to keep on top of them. Every time ‘conditions’ creep into your self-worth space, try to rationalise and disqualify them. Freeing yourself entirely from them may take some time, so try to be patient and don’t give up.

Summary

Developing unconditional self-worth by practising self-compassion will allow you to lead a whole and happy life. Having a strong sense of self-worth will help you come to terms with failures, learn from them and allow you to take risks with less fear, opening up opportunities for more profound growth. 

It also enables you to recognise the worth of others and exercise compassion - a much-needed leadership trait in today’s world.

My Lesson In Kindness And Compassion

Need help to identify and work through your ‘conditions’?

If you need someone to guide you, help you identify your conditions, and work through them, please do reach out. As a certified leadership coach with qualifications in Psychology and Law, I’ve helped many executives and entrepreneurs from around the world overcome their internal challenges and setbacks to reach their personal and professional development goals.

You can book in for a confidential chat here.

Til’ next time.

Nicole Schmitz

LLB, BA-Psych

Certified Leadership Coach, ICF Member

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