Feedback that Fuels Growth

A client asked how she could get better at giving feedback. She is a sophisticated investor who prides herself on her investing skills.

I replied, "Here is some authentic feedback: you aren't where you could be as an investor. Do you agree or disagree?"

She said, "I disagree. I have beat all my targets and am doing well."

I asked, "And how do you feel?"

"I am shocked that you said that. It doesn't make any sense to me."

"How likely are you to improve as an investor as a result of my feedback?"

"I don't think I need to improve, and so your feedback didn't make anything better."

"And how do you feel about me?"

"Frankly, I now have some doubts about you as a coach. I don't think you are very good at feedback."

"So I gave you feedback. And now you are angry, stuck, and questioning whether you want a relationship?"

"Yes, that's right."

"And so you would say I am bad at giving feedback?"

"Yes, you are bad at it."

I then requested, "Please write down one sentence that describes why I gave you feedback. I will do the same."

Her sentence, "To show me what good feedback looks like."

My sentence, "To unleash your potential."

I then asked, "Please write down one sentence that describes what you heard me say. I will do the same."

Her sentence, "I am failing as an investor."

My sentence, "You have untapped potential as an investor."

We compared our sentences. I asked her what she was thinking.

"I didn't understand why you were giving me feedback. And I didn't understand the feedback you were giving me."

"And now that you understand, do you agree or disagree with the feedback?"

"I agree with it. Everyone can improve no matter how good they are."

"And how do you feel now?"

"I guess I am sort of inspired. Like I am good but have something to shoot for."

"And how likely are you to improve as an investor now?"

"I think pretty likely. I am curious about what I am missing and want to commit to leveling up."

"And how do you feel about me?"

"Like you are willing to tell me a difficult thing because you believe in me and want me to live up to my potential."

"And so you would say I am good at giving feedback?"

"Well, yes, I would. This was helpful. It was helpful to know you believe in me, see me being great at something, and want to help me."

I asked her to reflect. "The feedback didn't change. But you went from anger to inspiration, from confusion to clarity, from a lack of trust in me to trusting me more. Why?"

"Because I understood why you were giving me feedback. And I understood what you meant by the feedback."

"Good. And so what's the mistake I made?"

She thought for a while and then replied, "It wasn't the quality of the feedback. It was the quality of the context. You didn't explain your goals to me. You didn't explain what you really meant."

"Exactly. And what's the mistake you made?"

"I didn't ask questions. I got hurt, jumped to conclusions, lost trust."

"Yes. So the next time you give feedback, what are you going to do?"

"Explain my goals. Be careful and thoughtful in my words and explanations. And request that the feedback receiver ask questions before jumping to conclusions."

And that's how she got better at giving feedback.

-Jeff Hunter, Founder & CEO of Talentism