Feedback Isn't a Punishment: Three Tips for Difficult Conversations

There’s an art to giving feedback to your team. Done well, with positive intent, everyone wins. Done badly, both sides can end up frustrated and unhappy.

But “difficult” conversations don’t have to be difficult. Here’s a story from early on in my management career which I think tells us something about how you should and shouldn’t approach them.

I found I was getting incredibly frustrated with one of my direct reports. The problem was I couldn’t seem to get this particular employee motivated to grow their skills or get to the next level.

So I sought out the guidance of a friend who also happened to be a career coach. While we chatted over lunch, I went on and on about how this employee wasn’t motivated and how I didn’t know what to do about it. How I’d given constructive feedback over and over. How I couldn’t understand it because when I was at their level I was so eager to move up and take on additional projects. And how I didn’t want unmotivated people working for me.

When I was done with my rant, my friend/coach looked at me and gave me a really great piece of advice which has stayed with me ever since.

He said, “Joe, no one works for you, you work for them. Just because you wanted to get to the next level in your career, doesn’t mean this person has the same goal for theirs. They may be perfectly happy where they are—and that’s okay. Your role as a leader is to meet people where they are, understand what they want to achieve, and then support them in achieving it.”

It was a lightbulb moment for me and it shaped my leadership style in the years afterwards.

Of course, this doesn’t mean there won’t ever be development issues to discuss or difficult conversations to have. Everyone, at every point in their career, needs to continue to grow in one way or another.

In fact, this is one of the other challenges I had with this employee. In my mind, my “constructive” feedback wasn’t being taken. That was, until my friend/coach gave me another gem of advice that has stayed with me over the years—“Feedback is not a punishment.”

The point was that feedback should be given (and received) with the intention of helping someone grow. It may sound easier said than done. Trust me, I’ve had my missteps with both giving and receiving feedback over the years. When they take a wrong turn, these conversations can get emotional or defensive very quickly.

But I’ve learned three techniques from an amazing leadership development program led by Mobius that I’ve been using to help navigate these discussions. They are:

1.)  Start the conversation by saying “This is what makes you great in my eyes.” This helps to frame the discussion in a positive light, even if you’re having challenges with the other person. Everyone has things they’re doing right. By starting out there, and being sure to use the term “in my eyes,” you’re communicating to the person that they are seen, that this is your perception, and this is how you see their contributions and efforts.

2.)  Follow that up with “This is what would make you even better.” This opens the door—in a positive way—to a conversation about where they need to grow and develop, and the areas they need to work on. It keeps the focus on the intent to help, and it’s a stark contrast to saying something like “here are your weaknesses” or “development points.” Remember, words matter. A slip up here can quickly derail the conversation. And always give examples to back up what you’re saying.

3.)  A helpful way to close out the discussion is to say “This is what the team needs from you.” This helps put the focus on what the overall team needs from the person, not just you, and reminds them that success and growth is a team sport. You’re communicating a message that you’re stronger together, that they are not alone, and that they’re contributing to a team that needs them.

 I’ve found these techniques really valuable, and I’m sharing them as a guide which you can tailor and customize for your own needs and those of your team.

One of the most important things to remember is that all individuals are variables. What motivates one person won’t be the same for someone else. If you put the time in, invest in your people, and provide them valuable feedback with the positive intent of helping them, then everyone wins.

I hope you've enjoyed this article and will share your thoughts in the comments.

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Note: This article is a personal perspective and not connected to my current employer.