Final But Not Officially Final

Lately, I have been feeling like it’s time to get going on back where it all started. When it felt right. When it was good. While the world spun me around on its axis I woke up I looked up shed a tear, heartily laughed with that it was final but not officially final. For it to be final there must come closure. The closure comes when it is officially final. If I have reached that stage where my bags I must pack I will tip my hat wave then disappear from sight.Out of focus. Out of reach. Out of consciousness.

You are set like this while seemingly moments later you are that. Nobody knows the in-between highs and lows that present such foreboding challenges to where you need to be when you once belonged. Whatever fragments of those times spent with them who were so good and oh so kind are illusions or ill-conceived conclusions I had come to. It wasn’t what I thought it was at all. When you look at things through a prism the retracted light distorts images leading to delusional thinking.

It’s okay as I am okay with it being final even though not officially…..yet. What is meant to be shall be but what is not meant to be shall not be. A simple lemon rhine with its distinct fragrance while not overly rememberable when its discarded is in itself a telling tale sign the swirling winds of change have arrived swooping you up into the heart of the funnel cloud. You will be put down in a new place somewhere in a new space.

We will forever be an integral part of each other but each part will never again rejoin the other part to form one again. For now, the words we wrote will be our fond remembrance of what once was. Perhaps it was on that exhilarating night followed by that wonderful feeling day was when the beginning of the ending had become though there was no way to detect that was indeed the current state.

So my loves my treasured loves feel no sorrow if I go without uttering a goodbye when you know I have gone from you. What is there really to say anyway that would mean anything or matter? When you hear the rumble of the onrushing trains with their headlights in laser-like focus to the direction of their destination think of me as being seated in a car of contentment while the music fills my ear. I could never take my eyes off those trains. Do not take umbrage at that subway car as it whisks me away from you. We both knew it would happen that way.

In times of re-evaluation or reconsideration of decisions made as well as those not made where do we turn to in order to concur with final conclusions or their validity? With the world under duress feeling great stress how do you then recapitulate your own feelings of need vs want vs the reality of what is no longer viable? How and where do you look for a pillar or pillars of strength to lean upon to help guide you through your own matrix of emotions to ensure a smooth transition into the decision punctuated with a question mark?

Desirous of the final finality you weed through your distorted facts, your disfigured thinking to make sense of it all. In truth, there is no sense to be made as even life is lived on an uneven keel. Torn between the need to work for your prosperity pitted against the wanting to be amongst other living things that exist in nature be they great or small. “We’re captive on the carousel of time. We can’t return we can only look behind from where we came. And go round, round and round in the circle game.”-The Circle Game-Joni Mitchell

Come by me to hear my message of solidarity from being solitary. For I alone in concert with me shall sing this simple song of “fare thee well” when the hands on the clock join together as one. It is then you will know time has run its course as it has for so many others. That time will be the last of time within time as finality will have been officially been declared final.

See the ships so far away in the gleaming waters of the bay. As I climb the stairs over the road where four-wheeled time machines race on by in their own hurry to get to there I become reticent. The ship’s path in full view from a point to ending point to anyplace in between that’s nowhere they’ve never been. Can they see me as the same? Far in the distance is the bridge that leads someplace I do not recognize. There is no satisfaction in not being somewhere that your heart knows where your feelings grow. In the mirror of my mind, there are reflections of what it is that will be when……..

Cutting ties and moving on is never easy no matter how it came to be or what leaped up to it. How do you say goodbye when it is to a place you have not been to in a while but the soul still remains? In the beginning, you are one thing one way. You were a part of the hope, part of the being, part of the belonging. There is a change. There are changes that change you while changing them while changing it. And so it has come to be in this here now or in the forever as the pinnacle has been reached. From here it is where you or I must Carry on! Carry on!

At the round marble table, a sumptuous meal is being served. A silhouette of you is seated discreetly on the far right side perpendicular to the hollow snow-capped mountains where those who once were but no more are filed away. The missteps of their footsteps encamped them there. Perhaps the charade or masquerade that was their mistaken lives could have been granted access to an exclusive viewing of their existential crisis but it said no.

We had a whirlwind tour that we took each with each other. Now as the fleeing sun flares prance across the high domed ceiling in perfect synchronization the illusion of our aristocratic society is overshadowed by the revelation all that you saw were dressed up machinations made to order. The trajectory of our final course is strategically calculated to touch down perilously close to where it had its inauspicious debut.

Final but not officially final as no verdict has been reached after excruciatingly long hours of deliberations. The gavel in the judge’s hand has not banged the session to a close.