Finding the balance- the art of assertiveness

Samarth's mom always seemed unsure of herself. When Samarth's friends wanted to stay out late on a school night, his mom would say yes without even consulting Samarth's dad. When Samarth wanted to try out for the school play, his mom didn't want her to put herself out there. Samarth's mom was always afraid of making the wrong decision and didn't want to upset anyone, even at the expense of her own son's happiness. As a result, Samarth felt like he couldn't rely on his mom to make decisions for him and started to make his own choices without consulting his parents. 

Sameksha, a close friend of Samarth, faces a different fate. Sameksha's parents were always very strict. They had a long list of rules that Sameksha was expected to follow, and any deviation from these rules was met with punishment. Sameksha's parents constantly monitored her phone and social media, and they were always checking up on her to make sure she was following their rules. If she didn't, she would be grounded or have her privileges taken away. As a result, Sameksha always felt like she was walking on eggshells and was afraid to express herself or make her own decisions. She felt suffocated and trapped by her parents' overly assertive approach to parenting.

In either of the above situations the approach adopted by the parent is unhealthy for the child; finding the balance is the key. Let's look at what it is and what can you do about it.

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness as a parent of a tween refers to being able to clearly and confidently express your needs and boundaries in a way that is respectful of both yourself and your child. This can include setting and enforcing rules, having open and honest communication, and standing up for yourself and your child when necessary. It is important for parents to be assertive in order to help their tweens learn to understand and respect boundaries and develop healthy communication skills.

Assertiveness can exist on a spectrum, with unassertive parents at one end and overly assertive or authoritarian parents at the other. The most effective parenting style is one that is assertive, but not overly so. This means setting clear boundaries and expectations, communicating openly and honestly, and being responsive to your child's needs and wants. This can help to foster a positive and supportive relationship between parent and child.

Drawbacks of being an unassertive parent

• The drawbacks of being an unassertive parent to a tween include a lack of structure and discipline in the home, which can lead to behavior problems and difficulty in setting and achieving goals.
•  Unassertive parents may also have trouble communicating their expectations and limits to their tweens, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflict. 
• Unassertive parents may struggle to advocate for their tweens and support their needs and wants, which can leave tweens feeling unsupported and unable to rely on their parents for guidance and direction. All of these factors can negatively impact the parent-child relationship and hinder a tween's development.

Drawbacks of being an overly assertive/ authoritarian parent

• The drawbacks of being an overly assertive parent to a tween include creating a tense and fear-based dynamic in the home, which can lead to feelings of oppression and resentment in the child. 
• Overly assertive parents may also use punishment or intimidation to control their child's behavior, which can damage the parent-child relationship and hinder a tween's development. 
• Overly assertive parenting can also lead to a lack of autonomy and independence in the child, as well as a lack of trust and open communication. All of these factors can have a negative impact on the tween's mental and emotional well-being.

Elements of being assertive as a parents

Drawing clear boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries may not come naturally to a lot of us. Here are a few techniques you can start off from:

• Communicate openly and honestly: This can involve having regular, open-ended conversations with your tween about their thoughts and feelings, as well as explaining your expectations and boundaries in a clear and direct way.
• Set clear rules and consequences: This can involve establishing a set of rules that are appropriate for your tween's age and stage of development and making sure that they understand and agree to these rules. It can also involve establishing clear and fair consequences for breaking the rules.

• Be consistent in enforcing boundaries: This means consistently enforcing the rules and consequences that you have established, and not allowing your tween to bend or break the rules without facing the consequences.
• Listen and be responsive to your tween's needs: This means taking the time to listen to your tween and understand their perspective, and being willing to adjust your boundaries or expectations in response to their needs and wants.
• Seek support if needed: If you are struggling to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with your tween, it can be helpful to seek support from other parents, a therapist, or a support group. This can provide you with additional resources and guidance to help you navigate the challenges of parenting a tween.

The other side of the coin…

Parallel to drawing boundaries and highlighting consequences parents also need to know how to balance between being critical constructively and growth-enabling. 

One important point to consider when giving constructive criticism is to focus on the behavior or action, rather than the person themselves. For example, instead of saying "You are so careless and forgetful", you could say "It was careless of you to forget your homework, but I know you can do better next time." This approach helps to separate the behavior from the person and allows for growth and improvement.

It's also important to offer constructive criticism in a way that is respectful and not confrontational or aggressive. This can involve using "I" statements to express your feelings and concerns, rather than placing blame or accusations. For example, you could say "I was really frustrated when you didn't do your homework because I know how important it is to turn in assignments on time."

Finally, it's important to offer constructive criticism in a timely manner, rather than waiting until an issue has become a larger problem. This can help to address issues before they escalate and can also help your tween to feel like they have the opportunity to make improvements.

Author's note

At times even in the best of friendships, there are things that the two parties are disabled to talk about especially when the two parties involved are a parent and a child. One such topic (in many cultures) could be the attraction and infatuation a tween experiences with people older than them. As an attempt to make navigation easier, Parents ki Paathshala's latest episode "Bhabhi ji ghar par hain" is up. Watch it here

Like what you read? subscribe to our newsletter and follow Trumsy for more :)