Finding Your Healing Edges

I've been on a healing and spiritual remembering for about 2 years now, and to say that I was triggered recently would be an understatement - I felt like I was going to come out of my skin and blast off back into the cosmos.

Your edges are the parts of you that when triggered, your blood feels like it's boiling, you may feel enraged, you may feel sadness...an edge can be described as something that you are not accustomed to feeling all day every day, but when they come in, they come in FAST and INTENSELY.

You may see red, you may feel like you're having an out of body experience, you may feel like you've blacked out...they are feelings an emotions that are backed with such visceral, physical responses that you may feel completely stunned that they're so strong...a very "where in the hell did that come from" - and...

edges are exquisite, they are fascinating invitations to what we may not know is still inside us. They are breadcrumbs, leading us to the origin of something we may have suppressed or something we thought we healed from but is obviously still there.

I've felt as though I'm on overdrive the past week in identifying edges, and of course they're coming in all at once because August was a time of the Lion's Gate portal (massive energetic upgrade filled with manifestation and intention setting), a retrograde in which we're asked to sit still, a blue full moon that was launching us into the new world, and now heading into eclipse season.

Y'all - the energy is WILD out here, and I'm no exception. So, I'm sharing the edges I have felt, how they came up, how I real time responded, and now that I've had a moment to reflect, what's coming in for me now.

1. the election, I had a highly intense debate with someone I care deeply for
2. personal touch, a man became too familiar at a social function
3. a discussion with someone about inclusion and how there are extremities on both ends
4. workplace abuse spurred by a lawsuit announcement from a person toward the organization that participated in my abuse

So, ok the election, I'm of the mind that we are in a time and space in which the energy transcends the two humans running for president. To me, we are at a tipping point, a fever pitch of humanity in which we're being asked which way do we want to go? Hope/fear, hate/love, forward/backward, inclusion/exclusion. It's so much bigger than the people. So, when someone I care for and deeply respect disagreed with the "no brainer" decision of where to head, I became extremely triggered...not to make them wrong, but to feverishly explain my viewpoints and to help them understand. And now I realize, I wanted to "make" them understand. I didn't keep a level head, I got extremely activated, loud, direct, commanding.

I now understand, as I begin knocking on doors in swing states, that I'd like to update my approach a bit - I want to listen when someone has valid points or concerns, not to simply disagree, but to see where we can net out in understanding as it's likely we have similar values. This was extremely wonderful practice prior to canvassing. And for those that have no interest in learning or listening to other perspectives to net out in between, I will not extend my energy to them.

Ooof, this second one...personal touch. So, for my entire life, I've been uncomfortable with men touching me either too long or in places that feel too familiar and I haven't consented to the physical advancements of an intimate experience. From my older second cousin telling me to "let him", when he reached into my pants to pull out my thong, to men (not one time but two times) placing their fingers inside me without warning or when I was not awake. Touch from men is very sensitive to me because of my lived experience.

So, recently in a social setting, a man that is an acquaintance hugged me a few seconds too long, kept his hand around my side, under my breast too long, placed his hands on my shoulders and kept them there too long, and placed his hand on the small of my back for too long. I finally said something. He lashed out so hard at me that it made me feel instantly ashamed, instantly embarrassed, and instantly regretting that I had said something. I was terrified of what my friends would think of me, the ones that knew him better than me - like I was the problem. I was scared to review the incidents and feelings with my husband.

Now, reviewing the experience, I'm so glad I said something, I'm proud of myself for having my back and defending myself - letting him know that not all women feel comfortable with that kind of touch and I'm one of them. I'm proud that I may have planted a seed for this person - my husband was proud of me and stated that we will never be in this person's presence ever again.

No matter how someone makes you feel for setting a boundary, do it. It's not our responsibility to make others feel comfortable with our edges - and it showed me how much of me was still hurting from the prior experiences thoughout my life where I felt uncomfortable and didn't say anything.

The third edge is realizing how exhausted I am trying to explain to men why we don't want them as part of the conversation sometimes. I was having an incredible conversation with a dear friend who was talking about how kids can no longer carry backpacks around school because of the heightened security concerns these days (understandably so) in which I naturally asked, what about those who menstruate and feel embarrassed by carrying menstrual health products around - the response is a pencil case. I said, excuse me, what? Like a legitimate pencil case? That's annoying...I'd want something I can wear like a purse or a cross body bag so that I didn't have to have this thing in my hand all the time.

We got to the point where he said, we should talk about this on your podcast - I said, my podcast is only for women. I sensed a shift in his energy as he got mildly offended saying, isn't that the opposite of inclusion. Sigh. This incredibly well intentioned man didn't understand why I created a platform for women to showcase their unique brilliance and to amplify it worldwide. In the moment I felt the response was very "what about men" vibes and I responded that we've heard from men since time began and that I feel compelled to create balance by bringing forth women for the foreseeable future. Further, I explained that when you create a platform for women and open it up to men too soon, you end up with bad apples that end up harming within the group and ultimately alienate the very community you were building. He got that and understood at that point.

Reflecting back, I do want me to be part of the conversation but at the same time, I think about the saying of "we spent the past 50 years or so creating incredibly powerful women, but didn't teach men how to support said strong, powerful women so there is a division that has been created between well intentioned men and actual allies. There are women willing to take this on and there are some that aren't - both are valid. I sit in the in between, some days I feel like helping men along and some I don't - both are ok.

Lastly, workplace abuse is part of my daily life still, as advocating and sitting on the national team for the Workplace Psychological Safety Act - and the trauma is still within me of experiencing abuse in the workplace almost every role within my 20 years experience in corporate America. This morning it was announced that an executive from my most recent corporate experience came forth with a lawsuit of age and gender discrimination...my oh my, all the feelings.

I know that almost all people in charge right now were trained from a lack, scarcity, and fear place from the systems in place, in the workplace, rooted in patriarchy, white supremacy, capitalism, and colonialism. The people who are in charge in the workplace really aren't in charge - it's the board and shareholders. That said, the people in charge, however well intentioned will quickly find that they're on the chopping block if they try to introduce too much change, too quickly. So they find themselves going with the motions, until the point that they too are perpetuating the systems that were never designed with women and people of color in mind.

For me, this was that executive. She is now facing what all of us already knew about the workplace - and she has the resources to fight back and sue. Many of us (including me) don't. I trust that my path, and I trust that I wasn't supposed to fight and pursue a legal battle - and in a very human way, I'm angry that I never received justice in the 3D world. I was so broken down, hurt, and simply a shell of myself that I just wanted out, with minimal fuss, so that I could feel safe again.

I've reached out to this executive to have a conversation, I'm wondering if we might have a way forward together, to partner on the new way. I have space for her, to understand her perspective, and I'd like to share mine as to how her organization was running at my level, under her watch.

This has helped me understand where my own traumas reside in my healing process and it's shown me there's more work to do.

So, sharing where I'm at, I hope you can navigate these types of situations that arise for you - it's all so deeply for us, it's for our benefit and our growth - and you'll need to want to because it's extremely hard work. It's also so much better to move through the work and to heal rather than sitting in misery thinking about what should/could have been done.

That's where I come in. When you're ready to move through it and to find the purpose in which all of the shitty things happened FOR you, I'm that coach. Let's go!

~ Coach Amy