Finding your place

I'm going a bit off-script for the intro to this article as, just this morning, a friend reminded me of a story I had totally forgotten about but which perfectly highlights what I'm talking about in todays post.

I was scrolling my LinkedIn feed one day when I saw a comment from a distant acquaintance. It was a comment on a photo of a female flight attendant in her new uniform, rejoicing the fact that the airline she worked for had changed their uniform policy to allow women to wear trousers and flat shoes, instead of forcing them into skin-tight skirts and heels. It was still company issued, in the brand style and colours, but they were allowed to be comfortable if they so chose. That sounds great, right? Not to this guy.

He was raging. Exclaiming, in a long, rambling comment, how he'd never use that, or any, airline that allowed female staff to wear trousers. How wearing trousers makes women look like a man and if you look like a man, no male colleague or customer will ever want to marry you. Women should take pride in themselves with full makeup, hair and approved feminine clothes or how else did they expect a man to come along and sweep them off their feet? His concern grew- if women start wearing trousers, what's to stop them giving up on even basic hygiene practises altogether?!

That is a fantastic example of pretty bad advice. "Women must dress a certain way to ensure they remain attractive to men, even when at work".

And that's the thing with advice. As women in the workplace, I feel like we get a lot more of this advice and it's not always (or even generally) with our best interests in mind. It comes with someone else's experiences, bias and potentially out-dated sexist AF views.

If you have kids, you'll be told to get back to work and contribute, whilst also being told to stay home and be with your kids to be a good mother. We're told to speak up and keep quiet. We're told to 'be more aggressive' and 'keep your head down'. With so much conflicting advice, much of it not even related to your actual performance, it can be hard to know what to listen to. So when you're not sure, listen to yourself.

This isn’t another self-help guide on how women can succeed in a professional workspace. Instead, it’s a reminder to trust your voice and follow your gut. 

Where it Began

It was the moments where I just did something without over-thinking or was hit with a curveball I wasn't prepared for. For example, at 18, I had to drop out of school and work. That already was quite unusual; all my friends were off to college and uni and I had always planned to keep studying. But instead, I found myself walking into the nearest bookmaker and applying for a job. I didn't know or care about this industry, but it shaped the rest of my life in many ways. It led me to Malta. It led me out of that industry and into Zimpler. 

Another time, when I was already not content with my role, I survived a harrowing client dinner and came to work the next day to an uncomfortable conversation with a higher up who ended the call with "if you don't like it, you can leave," so without thinking, I did just that. I ended up finding a totally new role based on my passion for writing. I loved it, and it was another critical turning point for me.

Decisions like these made me realize I should trust myself more. I began to put more time into things I enjoyed because I actually enjoyed them, not because I felt I was supposed to enjoy them. I grew this confidence I'd never had before. It helped me take the plunge from a stable, publicly listed company, which I loved working at, to a scary new title at a tiny startup. Since joining Zimpler, I have learned more than ever before because I'm actually open to learning rather than just being "told."

The advice we get along the way

Have you ever felt that “duh” moment where you realise that, “I should have just listened to myself!”? Well, here is your cue. There’s information and advice overload in the world right now as people and different institutions try to feed their truth and products to you. Multiple advice from various people can be pretty overwhelming.

I listen to and soak up plenty of advice on specifics - different ways to structure a team, how to set solid KPIs. I take it onboard, do my research, and see if it improves my performance. But I take advice about myself as a person or how I should think, act, look, or dress with a pinch of salt. I absolutely take feedback- how you make people feel and how you perform are things you can always learn from, but instructions on how to live should not be formed purely by other peoples opinions.

Success from within

It all became clear to me when I realised I was tired. I was tired of trying to mould myself to fit expectations. Then, I realise I couldn’t recognise myself or how I was behaving. That's when it clicked that I needed to be frank with myself and others. I started following my own advice at home and at work. I became a better friend, a stronger leader and seeing how lighter I felt and how my team began to flourish, I knew it was the right decision. 

Research shows that feeling authentic at the office leads to higher engagement, higher workplace satisfaction, and better performance. And yet many women find it challenging to be truly authentic at work.

The same went for my private life. I spent energy, time, and money on things I thought I was supposed to because that's what everyone says you should be doing. I realised I wasn't enjoying half of it. I learned to say no to things that aren't for me and make time for the truly "me" things. One silly example. I read in some teen magazine that women should always smell like they just got out of a rose bath. So for years, I DROWNED myself in perfumes, spending €1000s on different scents. Until I went on a bit of a "backpacking" trip and after three weeks without any perfume, I found I couldn't even stand the smell. I had been using it as a mask that felt amazing to shed. I don't own any perfume today, and no one gives the tiniest shit.

Conclusion

I am happy with the woman I am today. I am not perfect, but I try to be aware of that and celebrate what I am good at. Accept what I can't change, improve where I want to spend the energy. I'm more aware of others around me. When someone is genuine, they won't always be perfect, but they'll be much more effective overall.

I trust myself, but I reflect on my weaknesses. My advice to you is to be honest with yourself about what you aren't great at. Take feedback and have honesty with yourself. Overconfidence won't help you, but be strong enough to trust your gut over others advice, no matter how loudly or confident they might be shouting (or typing) it.