The Fine Art of Small Talk

Debra Fine (2005 & 2023).  The fine art of small talk: How to start a conversation, keep it going, build networking skills – and leave a positive impression!  Hachette Book Group: New York

4  Small talk … Without it, you rarely get to the real conversation

5  It’s to your benefit to cultivate friendships

6  we have lost the ability to connect

7  We become better conversationalists when we employ two primary objectives.  Number one: Take the risk … Number two: Assume the burden

9  Small talk is a big deal because it is integral to establishing rapport

14  IN SAFE SITUATIONS, MAKE IT A POINT TO TALK TO STRANGERS

15  Babe Ruth … “Don’t let the fear of striking out get in your way.”

19  silence is not golden

20-21  Michael Jordan: “… I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life.  And that is why I succeed.”

21  Will Rogers … “Go out on a limb.  That’s where all the fruit is.”

23-25  BUSINESS ICEBREAKERS

1 … 20 … and … What is the number one ingredient you attribute your success to?

25-31  SOCIAL/GENERAL ICEBREAKERS

1 … 50 … and … What keeps you busy outside of work? …  What do you do for fun?

33-34  [Matt McGraw]  the power of small talk.  It is not about an agenda but is simply a way to acknowledge a person as being very real and there

35  Barb … look them in the eye and ask What’s your name?

36  turn opportunities to mix and mingle into tasks

37  Make it a point to remember the other person’s name; learning and using names is probably the single most important rule of good conversation, so stay focused during the introduction

38  Excuse me, I’m not sure I got your name … Never, ever fake it! … I’m so sorry.  I’ve forgotten your name.  Please remind me

40  Remembering names is well worth the effort … behave as if you are the host whenever someone new arrives to your group

40-41  name … do not shorten it to a nickname without permission

42  It’s just as important to give your name when you meet someone – even if you’ve met him or her previously and think they should remember your name.  Consider it a random act of kindness

43  instead of saying Nice to meet you try It’s nice to see you … Good to see you

44-45  instead of sitting back and waiting for another kind soul to start a conversation, take the lead … It’s much easier to engage one person rather than enter a group conversation … Make a point to look around a room when you first enter it

49  The simple act of truly being interested in the other person has an amazing effect on the conversation

49

1.      Make eye contact.

2.      Smile.

3.      Find that approachable person!

4.      Offer your name and use theirs …

There is no perfect icebreaker

57-58  the toughest conversation partners of all: school-age kids … because they are kids, I give them the benefit of the doubt and hone my skills

60  How was your weekend?

75  Carl Rogers … “The biggest block to personal conversation is one man’s inability to listen intelligently, understandingly, and skillfully to another person.”

76  Attentive listening has three parts: visual, verbal, and mental

78  Listening is more than just hearing … Ray Birdwhistell … nonverbal components account for over 65 percent … maintain eye contact

79  When talking with people, behave as if there are no distractions in the room

83  Be aware of what your body language is saying to the world

84  Verbal cues complement the visual feedback you give a speaker

88-90  Is Talking Better Than Texting?  Yes.  Yes, It Is … The Harvard Business Review … the success of face-to-face communication versus the success of an email or text … Thirty-four times more

90-92  When you paraphrase what’s been said, or repeat the specifics of what you have heard, there can be no doubt that you have listened and understood the speaker.  This is especially effective when you are disagreeing with your conversation partner or have listened to her explain something highly complex or technical … People naturally calm down when they realize they’ve been understood

95  A good conversationalist prepares before the event

100  Prepare for a conversation like you’d prepare for an interview

105  The rules of good conversation require give and take

105  most people who are reticent to talk about themselves fear one or both of the following:

1.      They worry that their lives are too ordinary to be interesting.

2.      They do not want to appear self-centered or conceited

109  Speak No Evil … avoid these often-controversial topics …

1.      Stories of questionable taste

2.      Gossip

3.      Personal misfortunes, particularly current ones

4.      How much things cost!

5.      Controversial subjects when you don’t know where people stand

6.      Health (yours or theirs)  The exception is when you’re talking with a person who has an obvious new cast …

109-110  If you are unsure about a subject’s appropriateness and hesitate before bringing it up, it’s probably better left unspoken … When in doubt, leave it out

110-112  One of the easiest ways to start or keep a conversation going is to compliment another person … An authentic compliment makes the other person feel good about both of you, and that enhances the rapport, making conversation easier … one of these three categories: appearance, possessions, or behavior … There is nothing that makes people feel more special than to have their finer traits noted and appreciated

112  Beware of complimenting appearance in the workplace

115-116  another way to draw a reluctant speaker into the conversation … questions … acronym FORM … Family … Occupation … Recreation … Miscellaneous

120  use assertive, rather than passive, language

134  There is a time to share … Take the few minutes to truly listen; the truth is, we all know our own stories, what we do not know is other people’s life, work, and recreational experiences

136  never talk for more than five minutes before passing the ball.  Time can fly when we are talking about ourselves!

140-141  interruptions badly sabotage a good conversation … There are only three good reasons for interrupting.  The first is that you need to exit immediately.  The second is that the topic of conversation is too uncomfortable to bear, and you need to change the subject right away.  And the third is if you are in the company of a monopolizer who has refused to offer you a natural break in the conversation for more than five minutes

142  the lacklustre reply Ditto

143  Building rapport … during a five-minute “stop and chat” is a great investment of time

146  Watch out for the person who has absolutely no interest in anyone’s opinions but their own … Conversation should be about building relationships, not winning fights

146  Adam Grant … “You are entitled to your own opinions in your head.  But if you choose to express them out loud, it’s your responsibility to:

1.      Ground them in logic and facts

2.      Explain your reasoning to others

3.      Change them when better evidence appears.”

146  What is your opinion? … What are your thoughts?

147  most people don’t want advice – they want empathy, compassion, and simply to be heard

148  Give the gift of listening and offer advice only when it’s solicited

150  “Is there anything else I should know?”

152  Acknowledge that what has been said is important.  Providing unsolicited advice is not welcome in almost any situation

164-165  diplomatic ways to make your exit … clearly state that the reason you are leaving the conversation is that you need to do something

167  Staying focused on your agenda will make your small talk much more productive than if you are just casually mingling

169  ask for referrals

171-172  introduce your conversational party to someone who can render assistance to him … Issuing an invitation for your partner to join you on your way to another destination is a very gracious and considerate way to exit

172  let the … talker know in advance that you have a “hard stop,”

173  Ending a conversation by showing appreciation for the interchange provides an upbeat way to leave on a positive note

175  Remember to end the conversation the same way you began it – with a smile and a handshake

179-183  cheat sheet full of dos and don’ts

185  Whether you realize it or not, networking happens all the time

186  The ability to talk easily with anyone is a learned skill, not a personality trait

188  You have to be interested if you want to be interesting … people want to be with people who make them feel special, not people who are “special.”

189  Avoid controversial topics like politics, religion, personal relationships, and family issues, and stick to what you both know is applicable.  Show an interest in your conversation partner’s opinion, too

195  “social anxiety disorder.”

197  after you walk into the room, pretend you’re invisible

198  It’s always easiest to break the ice with a few observations about the situation, rather than asking for personal information

200-203  “If your company gave one-year paid sabbaticals, what would you do for that year?” …

“What’s the biggest misperception people have about you?” …

“What’s the one life experience you want a do-over on?” …

“Will you share an embarrassing moment with me?” …

“If your house were on fire, what’s the one thing you’d make sure to save?”

204  Think about the words connection and relationship

206  Comment on her response rather than asking a predictable follow-up question … As a general rule, always formulate at least one follow-up question and keep it in your head even if you may not use it … Most of the time follow-up comments and disclosures will act as “prompters.”

209  Be specific in order to receive a direct answer

211  People like to feel good about themselves … Make them feel like they’re attractive and interesting.  Focus on your date rather than worrying about what he or she is thinking of you

213  Be patient … keep your sense of humor.  Don’t tell jokes … but allow yourself to be funny

214  Leave your cell phone in the car

218  Don’t be afraid of looking dumb or saying the wrong thing

219  be intentional about your goals … And never dismiss someone because they are not your type.  This person could become your friend and introduce you to your future partner

220  People part with their money for two reasons: to solve a problem and to attain good feelings … The feel-good factor underlies every aspect of life

223  In response to our high-tech environment of email and texting, we need “high touch” more than ever

224  What’s been going on at work since the last time we spoke?

224-225  Stop being an adviser … Offer advice only when you are specifically asked for it … It’s easy to start off on the wrong foot if you’re not paying attention

226  for a few minutes before and a few minutes at the end of the business meeting, lead and end with small talk

227-228  Research shows that team members who share personal information perform better than teams that don’t … For any type of virtual get-together, social or professional, request participants to be prepared to display a picture from their past week or month during the first few minutes

229  It may be reflexive to try to relate to someone when they are sharing a negative experience, but this can unintentionally lessen what they are going through … It is much better to respond with, “That must be so frustrating” or …

230-231  There is a great deal of loneliness in the world … Be a friend and reach out

241  Let go of any old labels you’ve given yourself that stand in the way of claiming conversation as one of your strengths

241  The tips and tricks enumerated throughout this book are commonsense solutions to every day small-talk dilemmas

242  Put yourself in social situations more frequently

243-244  Please answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions …

4.      I have used my contacts to help at least two people …

7.      … I introduce myself to people I don’t know and come away knowing the names of at least three people