The Five Frustrations

Not so long ago, my daughter reached an exciting milestone — she was finally old enough to do crafts.

One of the best parts of architecture and design is that you get to build models and create art — and call it serious work. So, I have a lot of crafting materials at my disposal. I had waited for years for this moment, for her to be ready to do more intricate crafts together. You know, more than scribbling with crayons or splatter painting that got on clothing more than the page.

She was about five or so when we tried “melty beads.” These are tiny plastic cylinders that sit uniformly on pegboards, creating colorful designs. Once ironed, these individual beads melt together to become coasters or fridge magnets with bright geometric patterns.

But the thrill was short-lived.

While she had the dexterity to place these delicate beads, the slightest wrong movement would spill the tray, and all her hard work would be undone. Then came the tears, and it wasn’t the beads melting as planned—it was our daughter.

I had to get creative.

I couldn’t stop the challenges she’d face. I couldn’t prevent the spills. What I could do was realign her expectations.

I told her about the five frustrations, a concept I introduced with authority, though I made it up on the spot. The five frustrations, I said, are an agreement we make with ourselves before we take on any task.

When we want to create art, we recognize that, on at least five occasions, we’ll make a mistake, run into a problem, make a mess, or watch our work undone. When that happens, we count it, the first of five frustrations has transpired. No need to get upset because this was built into the plan. We knew it would happen — it’s part of the adventure. Now you know what your first frustration was, and it’s like a question answered, not an upset or a surprise. Then, you carry on, try again, and expect the next one.

Ever since that day, we’ve found that most projects were completed before we reached five.

Now she’s eight and taking on bigger art projects on her own. Recently, I saw her making a bracelet for a friend with a “rainbow loom.” These are elastic bands that can be woven into all sorts of patterns. She worked for hours on a single bracelet, and just as she was finishing, it all came apart. Naturally, she was upset. But the very next day, she started again, found her error, and has been making bracelets for friends ever since.

I’ve adopted the concept of the five frustrations ever since that day with my daughter. Although I call it the five frustrations, the bigger the task, the more frustrations you need to accept.

If you want to do big things in this world, your number must grow with the task. The more frustration you can handle, the bigger the successes you’ll have and the greater your achievements will be.

Imagine if your business adopted this policy. You take on a new client or project, and you set the expectation across your organization: “Are you ready for your five frustrations?”

If people expect challenges, setbacks, difficult problems, and difficult people, they might find it easier to cope when those events occur. If you approach challenges as though they were expected—questions being answered, not unwelcome surprises in a project that was supposed to go flawlessly—people might meet them with patience, confidence, and a calm, problem-solving approach.

There’s a group of people in this world who are masters of this concept: people with disabilities.

I, with ADHD, am used to being frustrated. I get frustrated lots throughout the day when I want to focus on one thing but need to do something else before I can settle in. I get frustrated when I can’t follow directions that seem easy for everyone else. People who use wheelchairs face frustrations when ramps are hidden around the back of a building—or don’t exist at all. They know all too well the frustration of “universal” washrooms whose turning circles are used as storage space. The blind are frustrated with websites that aren’t optimized for text-to-voice readers, buildings that lack braille signage, and sidewalks without tactile indicators or street crossing signals that don’t announce the street name. While you might have the option to quit a tough project or abandon a work of art that isn’t going your way, avoiding frustration is a luxury that people with disabilities don’t have. It’s either find a way—or nothing.

Being frustrated is not failure.

Being frustrated by something doesn’t have to be a problem. It’s what you do with that frustration that will determine how you feel about your day, and on repeat, it’ll determine how you navigate your life.

If frustrations stop you, you’ll remain frustrated. You’ll be surrounded by half finished projects and half attempted dreams.

Don’t just learn to tolerate frustration, expect it, look forward to it count them as a badge of honour and keep going. When you do that, those moments aren’t so upsetting at all.

Give the five frustrations framework a try. All you have to lose is the frustration.