Focusing on the past robs us of the present

My wheaten terrier mix, Toby, is in behavior training. Our trainer, Karen, said this to me the other night: "If you focus on the past, you are robbing your dog of the present." 

Backstory: Toby was attacked at a dog park a few years ago, and has been fearful and aggressive toward other dogs ever since.

The line stuck with me. Toby wasn't fixated on the past. I was. Every time we got around other dogs, I was terrified. I allowed that fear to rule Toby's life.

He got worse, my fear grew. Rinse and repeat. 

No more dog parks, no puppy play dates, fewer walks around the neighborhood. Toby's world shrank to our house and the (blessedly large) backyard.

In order to help Toby live with less fear and more FUN, I needed to break free of the narrative I had pushed us both into. Instead, I needed to give him the confidence and the tools to behave differently.

It was me, not him. Because, I am the leader.

I think this lesson applies to business and teams, too. Leaders have an experience with an employee, and that becomes the only experience that defines the employee. They can never break free of the past their leader is focused on. 

This puts team members in boxes. They are typecasted forever. They are labels, not people. She is "The Drama Queen." He is "The Slacker."

People, just like pups, are capable of learning new tricks. But just like me and Toby, it starts with leadership.

Retraining Toby

To re-train Toby, we are desensitizing him to the triggers. His trigger is simple: Other Dogs. We walk every day. We go to the pet store. We go to behavior class with other dogs.

Have you, as the leader, discovered what is causing the behavior you wish to change? You have to identify a trigger before you can change it. Sit down with your employee and talk to them. What's going on? How can we work on this together?

Lucky you -- people actually can talk.

I use praise to encourage the behavior from Toby that I want. Not huge, flashy praise. Just a quiet *click* and, "Yes, Toby. Good boy." I praise him when he doesn't lunge or bark. I praise him when he focuses on me, not the other dogs. I praise him when he settles down in class and sits quietly at my feet. I praise him when he does totally normal dog stuff, in other words. Because for him, it is not normal.

I praise him A LOT. 

How often do you praise The Drama Queen, or The Slacker? Probably not often.

Affirmation for positive behavior encourages that behavior. If you want an employee to do more of X and less of Y, praise the fuck out of them when they do X.

And when they do Y, you redirect.

When Toby barks, I turn him away from the stimulus. I ask him to "Focus." Then, I praise him. I invest in getting the behavior I want, not punishing the behavior I don't want.

You know why? Because punishment doesn't teach a lesson. It teaches FEAR.

Same for humans, I think. If you slam an employee for negative behavior, you haven't taught them a new behavior. You've taught them fear -- fear of you.

What if instead you praised them for improvement, even when it's small? They are motivated to continue that positive behavior.

It may feel counter-intuitive, to invest time in and praise difficult or low-performing team members. We talk sometimes about not rewarding someone for "just doing what is expected." But, if your bare minimum is a 25% improvement from where they were before, that is a HUGE amount of progress.

Praise progress, and it will continue.

Finally, I invest a lot of TIME with Toby. More time than ever. Play time in the backyard. Walks every day. Shared yoga time in the morning. Lots of staring into each other's eyes. I say, "Toby. Yes. Good boy," and then pet him every time I walk by.

I am letting Toby know that I see him. I care about him. We are a team, and I am his leader. That I will protect him, not the other way around.

My boss does this, or the human-to-human version of it. He high-fives or fist-bumps each one of us and stops to chat as he walks to and from the million meetings and phone calls he has that day.

I see you, his high-five says. I care about you, the friendly chat communicates. Spending time with each of us individually sends a clear message: We are a team, and as your leader I am here for each of you.

Try it. Daily affirmation for your entire team. Even the Problem Child. Even the Egomaniac. Give everyone a reminder everyday -- at least once -- that they matter. That you care. That you are there to empower them to PERFORM and achieve their professional goals.

PS. This isn't treating people like dogs. It's treating dogs like people.