From 'Pick Me' to Self-Made: Embracing Internal Validation

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In the last newsletter, we explored how relying on external validation can limit your potential. While it’s natural to seek recognition, basing your worth on others’ approval can leave you feeling stuck, unseen, and unfulfilled. This week, let’s take the conversation deeper, turning the spotlight toward self-determination and building a life fuelled by your own values and choices.

Back in 2014, I delivered a speech called Pick Me, which focused on the power of internal validation—a theme that resonates across audiences, workplaces, and relationships. The message struck a chord, earning the Grand Award at the Cicero Speechwriting Awards in Washington, DC. I’d like to share a short passage from it here, reimagined to inspire you to make the shift away from a “pick me” mentality.

Moving Beyond the ‘Pick Me’ Culture

Do you remember that feeling in school sports—standing in line, hoping to be picked for a team? That inner plea of “pick me, pick me”? Finally, you’d be chosen, and while there was some relief, maybe it wasn’t even a team you wanted to join. In many ways, that’s still a part of adult life today. Reality TV, social media, and corporate ladders all keep us in this “pick me” mindset: Vote for me, like me, don’t evict me, hire me, promote me. And just as before, we get picked, only to find that the team isn’t a great fit.

It’s an experience common enough that it’s backed by data. Deloitte found that 80% of employees don’t enjoy their jobs, often because we’ve been so busy being “picked” that we forget to ask ourselves whether we actually want what we’ve been chosen for. Sometimes, the satisfaction from being picked is fleeting, and we’re left longing for something deeper.

Choosing Yourself

My own journey with internal validation started with a realisation that I was waiting to be picked by life—by a job, by a partner, even by my purpose. After finishing school with significant debt and no job prospects, I found myself at a low point, feeling uncertain and overlooked. But eventually, I realised that the only “pick me” I truly needed was from myself. That turning point was the start of a life shaped not by other people’s choices but by my own values and vision.

Instead of chasing external validation, I chose to map out a vision of who I wanted to become, the values that mattered most, and the life I wanted to build. I clarified my goals daily and focused on living in alignment with those values, and from there, a remarkable shift took place. By letting go of the need to be picked by others, I found my way into fulfilling work, built a successful company, and met the love of my life. Each step on that path was guided not by what others thought I should do, but by what I knew was right for me.

Becoming the Hero in Your Own Life

Too often, we keep looking to the left and right, hoping someone else will step in and change our lives for us. But in truth, the only person capable of making the change you want is you. Security, freedom, and joy are found by making yourself the hero of your own story. It’s about cultivating the courage to pick yourself and to forge a path that aligns with your values.

The world doesn’t change by us playing small or waiting for approval. When we allow ourselves to live by our values, we have the power to impact everything around us. Instead of looking to governments, corporations, or anyone else to “fix” things, we have to begin by being the change we wish to see.

Your Life, Your Choice

Whatever your next steps may be, remember: you don’t need permission to live the life you want. Building a meaningful, values-driven life starts with self-determination, not external approval. This isn’t about leaving others behind, but about crafting a path that truly fulfils you—one you’re excited to live each day.

So, let this be your reminder. You have the power to choose yourself. Take that step forward and see where self-determined action and clear values can lead you. You may be surprised at just how fulfilling a life guided by your own principles can become.

Thank you for joining me for another LIFT Your Impact newsletter.

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This, and many other tools, exercises, and stories can be found in my new book Lift Your Impact, which is available here in the UK and here in the US! Bulk purchases can be made here.