Getting Unstuck #12 – The One That Got Away

This is an excerpt from by #1 bestselling and award-winning book Business and Personal Secrets for Getting Unstuck.

#grief #lovelost #movingon #recovery #nextstep

We have all heard the statement by Alfred Lord Tennyson, 'It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’ Everyone has the “The One That Got Away Story.” The question is, are you able to pick up the pieces and start moving forward, OR are you stuck looking behind you at the love you lost? ~ Frank Zaccari, CEO/ Author/Speaker

Regardless of how happy we are in our current relationship; we all have the ONE-That-Got-Away.

You know who I mean. The person we just knew was the one we would spend the rest of our life with in happy bliss. From the male perspective, she was the one you would think about constantly during the day. The one you could not wait to talk to, be with, share your day, and hear about her day. Yes, ladies, some guys talk and listen, not many, but they exist.

It didn’t matter what you did as long as it was with her. In public, your eyes did not wonder if another woman walked in the room. Trust me, guys; ladies notice, regardless of how discreet you think you are. You would “blow-off” events with your buddies to spend time with her. You weren’t interested in meeting, dating, or getting to know anyone else. You watched “click-flicks” with her without becoming nauseated, attended events she enjoyed, met her friends and family.  Hopefully, she would also watch or attend events you enjoyed.  You were just happy.

But something happened. It was often easier to pinpoint as a guy. You did or said something “stupid.” However, there are times when you don’t understand what occurred.

Let me give you three examples.

One man I interviewed, who is now in his late fifties, happily married over twenty-five years, children he adores who are about to become adults, said: “We were in our mid-twenties. I don’t know what happened or what went wrong. I thought we were happy. We dated for nearly two years. We both had good jobs and could see our careers advancing nicely.  I loved being with her, and it appeared she felt the same. We would stay at each other place for a few days. She didn’t want to move in together, which I respected. We talked about the future and being together in the future.”

“One day, she called me at work and said she needed to break our date for the weekend. Something had come up. I asked if everything was OK. The answer was, “Everything is fine.’”

(As you may recall from the book Business and Personal Secrets for Avoiding Relationship Landmines, when a woman says something is “fine,” things are not “fine.”)

When I mentioned this to the man I interviewed, he laughed and said, “After twenty-five years of marriage, I learned that, but back then, I thought fine meant everything was good.

 I said to her, “OK, do you want to talk about anything? She said, ‘No’ and hung up. I tried to call her later in the day and over the weekend to no avail. I even called one of her friends and asked if she was OK. The friend said she didn’t think anything was wrong or upsetting her. I finally got her on the phone five days later and asked her how she was doing and would she like to meet for coffee or a drink. She said ‘No.’ When I pushed, she said, ‘I think we need a break. It is nothing you did or said. I just need a break for me.’

Now, I am completely lost. I asked if I could call her or stop over. Again, the answer was ‘No. I’m sorry, but I just need a break.’ and hung up.”

I asked the man, “What did you do?”

He said, “I was devastated. Before her call, we stopped in front of jewelry stores and looked at rings a few days earlier. She didn’t recoil, looking at the rings. In fact, she commented on the one she liked. I thought that was a sign the relationship was moving forward. I was in shock. I sent her flowers a few days later, tried to call, sent her a card, but there was no response. I considered stopping at her work, but that seemed creepy or like a stalker. I decided I just needed to back off and wait. So, the wait became a few days, then weeks, then a couple of months.

I tried to reach out again, but there was no response. Even one of her friends said just to give her space. I tried to figure out what went wrong. The only option I could see was just ‘back-off,’ which I did. I didn’t go on a date with anyone for over a year. I avoided the places we used to frequent. A few months later, I took a job in another state, thinking maybe that would help me start over. One year after I moved, we had a chance to meet walking to our respective gates at the airport. She looked amazing. We stopped and said hello and some other small talk. We both said, ‘It’s nice to see you and have a safe flight.’ That was it. I never saw her again. I heard through-the-grape-wine she got married a year or so later, and so did I.”

I asked him, “Do you ever think about her over the years?”

He answered, “Yes. There are days when I hear a song or see an old friend from back then that I think about her and wonder what my life would have become if we had stayed together. It took a long time, but my life turned out the way it was supposed to, not the way I thought it would back then.”

Now, this man dealt with his heartbreak in a healthy manner. A typical reaction is to grieve, feel sorrow, pick up the pieces and start moving forward. It is also normal to wonder from time-to-time what life would have been like if the one that got away didn’t get away. He did now wallow in self-pity, drink himself into a stupor or make a crazy scene.

Example #2

When I was writing my book Storm Seeds, I interviewed a man in his late forties at a rehabilitation center. This man had never married. He had been in and out of rehabilitation multiple times and arrested for violating a restraining order at least twice.  His story had started the same as the first man's.

They were in the late twenties, both successfully employed, had been dating for over a year, and seemed very happy. He began The One That Got Away Story with, “We were always invited to events as a couple. We had moved in together, and things seemed to be going well. We talked about the future together. One issue was that I had to relocate to advance in my career. That was not the case for her. Nevertheless, I believed everything was moving in a positive direction. We had disagreements like every couple, you know, dumb things like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle, not always making the bed, and the kitchen looked like a war zone whenever either of us cooked at our apartment.

I had to take a week training trip, including a series of interviews for a position within my company. The position, if offered, would be a promotion. The job would be in Chicago. We lived in Oregon.  She asked if I was going to take it if offered? I said, ‘Let’s see if they offer it first.’

We talked on the phone every night. They offered me the job on a Thursday night, and I asked for a couple of days to discuss it with family. I called and told her the news. We talked for a few minutes. It was clear she did not wholly share in my excitement. We ended the call by agreeing to discuss the situation in more detail when I returned.  On the flight home, I thought this is an excellent opportunity and wondered how to position it so she would be open to relocating.

“The first thing I saw when I arrived at our apartment was a note that read, I’m happy for you, but moving is not going to work for me. I am going to stay with my family for a few days.

I was so upset that I immediately drove to her parent’s house and pounded on the door. Her father said she didn’t want to see me, and I should come back in a day or two. Well, the smart thing to do was to walk away, but I pushed the door open and started to struggle with her father. The entire family came into the room, and she screamed at me to get out.

I said, ‘I just want to talk.’

She said, ‘Get Out!’  

That was bad choice number one.

I called some friends, and we met at a local bar. I drank too much, told them the story, became angrier and angrier, and went back to her parents’ house. They called 911 when I pulled up. The police arrived about the time I reached the front door.

I confronted the police, bad choice number two, and was arrested for disorderly conduct, public intoxication, assault, and battery. I spent the night in jail, was arraigned in the morning, and made bail. In court, a restraining order ordered me to stay 100 yards from her and her family.” 

After pleading guilty to a lesser charge, I spent one week in jail, three years’ probation, and court-ordered attendance at an alcohol abuse class, join Alcoholics Anonymous and an anger management class, plus NO contact with her or her family.

Word of the altercation and arrest quickly reached my company. The promotion offer was withdrawn.

I did the week in jail, started the classes, and then went to her office to see if she would talk to me. I was turned away and arrested again!

I see why she never wanted to see me after all this, but I still don’t understand why she initially left. At that time, she was the love of my life. I tried to pick up the pieces, but the demons had control of me. I still love her, or maybe a better statement is ‘I am obsessed with her.’ She is the one that got away. I saw her with other guys, which just infuriated me. Then more substance abuse and more arrests, and here we are now talking in this court-ordered rehab center.”

These were two very different examples of the one that got away.

The first man was stuck mourning the loss for a couple of years but picked up the pieces and started moving forward. He addressed his sorrow and went all on to have a good life. The occasional song that pulls on his heart strings shows he is human and still has fond memories. His life is different from the one he imaged twenty years ago, but isn’t that the case for most of us?

The second example is a disaster.  It isn’t The One That Got Away. It’s The One He Threw Away. He knew the woman was unlikely to relocate. It would have been better had they been able to talk about it before she left, but this was not going to work. (Possibly because she was aware of his anger issues.) This man became stuck with his anger and obsession over an infatuation. He is still haunted by what he believes is a lost love more than twenty years later. I hope the rehabilitation will make a difference so he can start moving forward at some point.

Example #3

I recently had coffee with a woman friend I knew from my early hi-tech days. She, the then love of her life, and I were a three-person part of a project team. We worked and often traveled for work together. Back then, everyone believed she and her significant other would get married. They didn’t. I told her about this book, asked if he was the one that got away and if I could use her story without naming either of them. She agreed.

She said, “Frank, he was the best-looking man I have ever seen. He looked like a classic surfer, tall, blonde, blue eyes, and a swimmer’s strong lean body. He laughed easily and had an aura of confidence that was intoxicating. As you remember, all the women at work, and every woman where ever we were, had a thing for him. We went out a few times, but I sensed that he was a player who enjoys the moments but keeps his heart safe. He was coming out of a difficult divorce, and I had recently ended a relationship. Even though we didn’t want to be the other’s rebound relationship, I guess that is exactly what we were.

We weren’t exclusive at that time, and neither was looking for anything serious.

As you remember, our team would all meet for drinks and appetizers every Friday. He and I would usually stay after the others left and continued talking, laughing, and drinking. We enjoyed being together, and eventually, the Fridays turned into date night. Sometimes dinner or a movie, then weekends together, a Giant’s game, or a trip to Lake Tahoe. We had very intense, intimate moments. I spent almost every weekend at his place. I did the subtle nesting things, like leaving my toothbrush, makeup, and other things. Then I started to leave some work clothes for the work nights I would stay there. After a few months, we were basically living together.”

“As women, back then, we were told the guy should say the ‘L-word’ or suggest becoming exclusive first.”

Well, he wasn’t saying anything, so I said what I thought he wanted to hear. I told him, ‘I enjoy all the time we spend together. I know we are both coming out of bad relationships and need time, so I appreciate that you aren’t pushing anything. I like things the way they are now, no strings, no commitments.’”

I asked her, “It was clear to everyone you were crazy about him. Why did you say that?”

She laughed and said, “You remember the movie For the Love of the Game with Kevin Costner and Kelly Preston, where Kelly said that to Kevin. He took it at face value, but that was not what she really meant. She was trying to protect her heart. In the movie, she surprised him in spring training and found him with another woman. Kevin ran after her as Kelly stormed off and said, ‘These were your rules. It is what you said you wanted.’ Kelly’s response was, ‘And you believed that?’

In my case, he said, ‘I’m glad you feel that way because I don’t want to get married again.’  I let the comment pass and thought that we would evolve since we are together nearly every night.”

I said, “So, you were friends with benefits before it was a thing people said.”

“Over the next couple of years, people would ask us. ‘When are you going to make it official? You are basically like a married couple.’ We would both laugh.” She laughed, “I guess we were trendsetters.”

“You remember when I was offered a position in Miami, right? When I told him about it, he was excited for me. His words were, ‘Wow, that is a great opportunity. I am so happy for you.’

He didn’t say anything about us. I was hurt but didn’t say anything at that moment. Remember, the whole team went out to celebrate. Do you remember his answer when one of the guys said, ‘We will miss you two when you go to Florida?’ I remembered but said nothing. Remember he said, ‘She is the one going to Miami. You guys are stuck with me.’

I asked him if he wanted me to take the job the next day. He said, ‘Of course, this is your chance to run an entire division. You can’t pass on that kind of opportunity.’ I told him I would turn it down if he wanted me to stay. He said, ‘I would never ask you to do that. It is your dream job. You were the one who set the ground rules remember, no strings, no commitments. We said we didn’t want to get married.’

I spent the weekend with some girlfriends and cried the entire time.

After three years and all we shared, I thought it was a given that if we didn’t get married, at least we had a fully committed relationship. Since I had given up my apartment a year earlier, I stayed at his place off and on until the movers came to get my things. He was there and helped the movers. When it was finally time for me to leave, I hugged him, told him I loved him and tried not to cry. He said, ‘We had some amazing times together, but it’s time for us to start a new adventure.’

My friend Ann gave me a ride to the airport. I cried the entire way.

She did her best to be comforting. I told myself, I have to get to the point where I could start this new job in a week without being an emotional wreck. My Mom and sisters met me in Miami. They let me grieve and helped me move in a get settled. I started the new job, and as they say, ‘The rest is history.’”

I asked her if they had stayed in touch. She said, “We talked on the phone a couple of times the first month or so, but he never came to Miami, and I never went back to San Francisco. The job was all-consuming, which was good, but it kept me from grieving. As you know, Frank, we can delay the grieving process, but we can’t avoid it.  I didn’t date anyone for nearly two years.  Then I had several first dates, but it wasn’t until I reached the acceptance stage of grief that I was comfortable enough to have a second date. I was in Miami over five years before I got married and probably another two before I could completely let go.

I said, “I heard he never got married again, is that right?”

“Yes, that’s right,” she answered. “Well, Frank, he told me he wasn’t going to get married right from the start. I chose to believe that over time he would marry me. In my professional and personal life, I learned that it takes two fully committed people to make a relationship work, not just one who wants it to happen. Because of that lesson, I am a better wife, mother, grandmother, and friend.”

I have observed over the years and re-enforced by these three interviews that The One That Got Away was something we never really had in the first place.

Maya Angelou said it best:

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.

Addressing Grief

My friend in Example 3 said it best, we can delay the grieving process, but we can’t avoid it.  Elizabeth Kübler-Ross wrote about the five stages of grief in On Grief and Grieving, which she wrote with David Kessler. While this book focused on the death of a loved one, grief occurs whenever we experience a significant emotional loss. The end of a substantial relationship is a death of a different kind.

The five stages outlined in the book are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost.

1.     Denial

2.     Anger

3.     Bargaining

4.     Depression

5.     Acceptance

They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. At times, people in distress will often report more stages. We hope that the knowledge of grief‘s terrain comes with these stages, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss. Just remember your grief is as unique as you are.

Our logical mind might say, OK, I will give myself a month to deal with each stage”—big mistake. There is no timetable, and grieving does not always go in order. Worse yet, we will often go back and forth between the stages. For example, my father died on January 7, 2020. At times, over two years later, I still find myself in bargaining and depression because I wasn’t there when he died.

Once we reach acceptance doesn’t mean the thoughts or sadness will never return. To me, it means the loss no longer overwhelms my ability to function.

Four stages of grief- denial, anger, depression, and acceptance are relatively self-explanatory. However, what does bargaining mean? Per Elizabeth Kübler-Ross:

In the bargaining stage of grief, you attempt to postpone your sadness by imagining “what if” scenarios. You may also feel a sense of guilt or responsibility, leading you to bargain for ways to prevent more emotional pain or future losses.

For example, before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one were spared. “Please God,” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my wife again if you’ll just let her live.” After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?” We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what it was; we want our loved ones restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “If onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt.

Stepping Stones to Avoid Landmines & Quicksand

1. Think of the one you feel got away. Now – be honest, did the person get away, or was the relationship just wishful thinking on your part?
2. What actions did you take when the relationship ended?
3. How long did the grieving process take for you to let go entirely?
4. Are you still in personal contact or through social media? If so, why?