Graduate- Are you experiencing exam anxiety?

"Hey ambitious graduates! I thought I would post this throwback article I wrote on my Facebook page last year while I was still a student- I hope it may help you while you are busy with your exams, trust me we all all have experienced exam stress and anxiety, I hope you find this helpful- Enjoy :)"

So, I wrote my first exam this week and I must admit that this exam felt different than all the other 40 exams I have written in university, the uneasiness I felt wasn’t because I was hoping to remember all the work I had learned that past week but rather it came from a place of feeling unprepared. I knew I wasn’t ready but unlike the good old days I couldn’t pause the button of second opportunity exam and resume from where I left of, this is honours darling there isn’t any second chances. I just wasn’t myself on Morning morning rushing through my morning routine, my mind still occupied trying to remember a stupid mathematical formula as I shuffled through campus with my handwritten notes pressed against my nose and not caring about my surroundings or the classmates within my vicinity.

You must remember that the exam room comprises of only two people the black pen and the pen holder dancing to the ­­­­rhythm of knowledge and excitement, skillfully and rhythmically, it knows what to do because it’s been trained through the competence of the pen holder. But what happens when the pen holder isn’t competent? What happens when you are ill prepared for an exam? I have heard of people who study night before an exam and I always think to myself did they ever experience any type of anxiety like I did. Exam anxiety is a real thing people, some experience it at greater levels than others. I remember that day like it was yesterday June 2014 I was going to write my first exam in a university setting had that knot in my stomach, I found myself in a state of panic and dread my very 1st exam in university and I wasn’t prepared.I did try to cram the last bits of work, but that morning specifically I felt the anxiety creep up slowly like a thief in the night fogging my mind and painting a canvas of fear.

So I packed up all my stationery and began my 30-minute walk to campus, it was cold that morning the grass saturated with morning dew, scarves, gloves and beanies floating on campus with students marching towards their exam venue, I too was there I mean almost there…It was the conversation I was eavesdropping in that stopped me off my tracks and made me turn around and not write that morning. I could recognize those familiar faces from class, the passion and knowledge that exuded in that witty debate made my heart stop… you see my friend the mind is a powerful muscle I was being schooled in that conversation and I remember asking myself how to dare I write a paper I wasn’t prepared for, you know you will not pass Olwethu. I turned back because it was easier, in psychology there is a term we call flight or fight when you a facing a dilemma the strong will fight and face the situation while the weak will flight because they feel threatened and are afraid, unsure of themselves if they have that power inside of them to win.

My disappointment in myself made me catch the nearest taxi to town, I had made a list in my mind on the different ways I would be able to drown my sorrows. Number one lets go to Fashion Express and see what nice goodies they had that month, I didn’t even have any money but somehow I found myself lost at the clothing stores window shopping and trying on clothes I couldn’t even afford…I didn’t recognize this person anymore…I finished my morning with a KFC streetwise two with pap contemplating and daydreaming by the window I allowed my mind to roam as I watched people going about their day, the beggar looking for food by the bin, to the lady trying to sell chicken feet nearby by the taxi rank. In that moment my friends I was happy I wasn’t anxious anymore, with every spoonful I felt” inner peace fill up me up and decluttering all of the fear that had being fogging my mind .I knew I had to deal with the reality of things when I got back to my place but at that moment I had reassured myself that second opportunity would be perfect option, I could start again on a clean slate another opportunity to prove myself .

So, when my phone rang at 12pm my boyfriend calling me to check how my exam went I lied and responded that it was ok, I was embarrassed of what I had done and felt guilt and shame because bethunana what I did was irresponsible, and life would teach me a painful lesson. I failed that exam by the way had it served me to right to wait for a second opportunity? The answer is no, you are always going to feel uncertain and anxious about the things you cared about the most, like graduating and making your parents proud. My disappointment wasn’t linked to myself but rather to the people who cared enough to invest in my education like umama, it is the people that you care about the most that need you to be on you’re A game. So, when you see me crushing it in whatever I do whether it is a test or at work, my ambition is built on love. It is that love that I find myself waking up in the middle of night burning the midnight oil because someone needs me to succeed, it bigger than you or your ambitions.

So in case you are wondering should I write the 1st opportunity exam? The answer is yes, your experience is your greatest preparation trust me through my 5 years as a university student I had found myself bullshit my way through exam papers intentionally even though I knew in my heart I was going to fail. I wanted to get the “feel” of the paper and when I got my poor results, I would book an appointment with my lecturer to get that one on one opportunity, so I could test my new-found knowledge for that second opportunity exam. But you see what I said, “ I wrote the paper” either way because it gave me the leverage to pick on my lecturers brain for a minute and even get pointers for the second opportunity exam, it allows you to test your general knowledge for the module and yes I had found myself giggling at times as I wrote the craziest answers but I always left the exam room feeling empowered and geared up because I left the room understanding the style of paper and didn’t have to beg a classmate for the exam paper, because you know some classmates can be dodgy at times lol but that’s a story for another day.

You are in the driver’s seat and have been assigned the role of the pen holder your competence will determine if you enter that exam with confidence. Remember about the people that matter, I put those names and faces on my vision board in my small res room my dreams extend beyond these walls. I am the queen of manifestation and I have earned everything that I wished on this year so far although it was hell week for me this week with 3 exams in one week and yes there were tears involved and I even at some point wanted to quit, nothing worth having is easy. I just knew I had the ability to figure things out which I thankfully did. You won’t have all the answers to everything, your life might be a mess right now, but keep moving those ground-breaking pieces that will take you closer to your dreams, keep hustling and shuffling those papers with the realization that your struggles are shared by thousands of other students and lastly take care of your mental health because university will test your resilience, fight through these exams even if you find yourself studying night before, don’t quit short term memory could be your best friend and remember beat that exam anxiety and write that 1st opportunity exam!