Grief - The Final Act of Love
The hustle and bustle of Christmas has begun, and whilst we are all running round like lunatics to ensure our families have the best Christmas yet, there are a whole community of people who are dreading the season.
This week is grief awareness week.
Set up to highlight and support those who have suffered loss, it is also a way of offering a better understanding of the grieving process and hopefully how to navigate it. As a deeply complex emotion, everyone will experience grief at some point in their life, and every experience will be uniquely different, making it difficult to help those in the midst of it.
Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross developed the theory of the five stages of grief in an attempt to help the process and create more understanding not only for those experiencing grief, but for those around them.
Although she surmised that there were five fairly distinct stages, the belief is that other emotions can be part of the process, some of them may not actually be part of an individuals process, and that the process will not necessarily happen in the order that it is expected.
The first stage was determined to be denial.
“Denial is when a loss doesn't feel real yet," Aimee Daramus PsyD
Whether expected or not, a loss can be a brutal reality to be faced with.
Your world has completely changed, and beginning the process of understanding that someone you care about has gone, whether that be the break up of a relationship/friendship or a death is difficult to accept. The loss of a loved one is not just an emotional wallop. Its a change in everything that you have come to know. Routines can alter, your home can begin to feel alien and if the loss is one of a spouse or child, your whole identity can become confused.
Denial is in essence, a defence against the pain that your body is preparing you for, and it allows you to hopefully prepare to ease into the next stage of the process.
This can be a confusing and disorientating combination of emotions and actions that can leave you feeling shocked and numb. Like any shock, the most important thing is to allow time for processing the fact that you have experienced a loss and that will be something that will happen on your own timeline.
Everyone is different and it will take as long as it takes.
"Apart from the loss of a loved one, grief and anger may also be experienced at the loss of other things that were meaningful to the person, such as a lost relationship, job, or anything that ties to their identity" Angeleena Francis. LMHC
Anger is the stage at which you begin to question why.
Why did this happen? What did you/they do to deserve this? Why could this not be prevented?
The questions begin and the anger begins to build. This emotion can be extremely difficult to navigate and control, especially when the loss was unexpected. Being caught unawares puts you in a position of having no control, and throwing the inability to understand why something happened into the mix as well creates a need to gain back the control of your reality as quickly as possible.
The anger stage of grief can be very difficult to come out of. Anger has the ability to mask pain and for someone who is terrified to feel the loss completely, it can feel like the easier alternative. It can be an extremely toxic emotion when it sits for too long, and over time it has the potential to destroy the relationships around you.
There is a saying - 'It has to hurt if it's to heal' and this couldn't be more true. Whilst anger serves it purpose during the grief process, its important to recognise it for what it is and work to move through it.
"Bargaining is a defence against the feelings of helplessness experienced after a loss. It happens when people struggle to accept the reality of the loss and the limits of their control over the situation." Sabrina Romanoff. PYSD
Bargaining can manifest in several different ways. Commonly, especially for those who have a religious or spiritual background, this can show as a negotiation with God or a higher power in the hope that behaving a certain way may reduce the pain of the loss.
It can also cause reflection over past actions with a desperate need to go back and change something in the hope that this would prevent the loss ever taking place.
Although this is all a very normal part of grief, it can become obsessive to the point where moving past it becomes almost impossible, Learning to take control of what you can, and accepting that there will always be some things you can't is vital to moving forward.
“These reactions are normal. They generally become less intense over time and are not usually signs of a mental health disorder requiring professional treatment." Johnathon DePierro PHD
Depression is the fourth stage of grief and the beginning of true sadness. This is the stage at which reality is really beginning to hit, and you truly begin to understand that despite everything, there is nothing more you can do to change the situation or bring back your loved one.
Signs of depression can include low mood, loneliness, withdrawal, inability to eat or overeating, inability to sleep or oversleeping, regret and substance abuse to mask the pain. It can feel bleak and hopeless and overwhelming to the point where just functioning normally day to day becomes a mammoth task.
This is the time when support can become most important. Although instinct would suggest that withdrawal is easier, friends, family and colleagues can make working through this process much more manageable. Isolation and withdrawal will only make those feelings of depression worse.
With the right support, this stage can be navigated without medical intervention, but on occasion something called 'complicated grief' can develop.
This can impact heavily on everyday life for long periods of time. If the low mood lasts longer than around 6 months, its worth considering seeking help from a GP or counsellor.
"Acceptance doesn’t mean that you feel happy about the loss. Rather, in this stage, there is finally an acceptance of the pain and loss you experienced, and you start to look forward to and plan for the future.” Sarah Gundle PsyD
One of the hardest changes to navigate after loss is the complete change in reality. Life will never go back to what it was before and as an individual, you have fundamentally changed as a result of what you have gone through. You never really get over the loss of someone important but what you do whilst working through this process is learn to adapt to your new reality, and that is what the grief process is really about.
From finally reconciling that loss and beginning to allow yourself to feel positive about the future to learning how to take care of yourself, understand and embrace all the emotions you are feeling, acceptance is the true beginning of a new way of living.
Grief is a messy process and loss will take a lifechanging mental, physical and emotional toll on your life. With the right support however, it is possible to come through it in one piece and begin to live again.
This time of year, in amongst the chaos and preparation, there will be many who are struggling. Whatever the reason for their struggle, this time of year magnifies grief and loss because it is such a family focussed time.
Be mindful of this.
Where you can, offer support and help and above all, be kind.
Kindness costs nothing and for someone learning to navigate their new reality, that kindness could be lifesaving.