Happy Father’s Day – Parenting Can Never Be The Same Again!

Happy Father’s Day – Parenting Can Never Be The Same Again!

Today is Father’s Day. A chance for parents to reflect on what went particularly well and what could have been done differently while raising our children. Indeed the current times are unprecedented, the world is changing so rapidly. The amount of information and data in the world is roughly doubling every two years, and the world is more connected than ever before. The role of the parents has been completely redefined and to some, it is… challenging and confusing to the extreme.

Being a child and a young adult in the current world is not easy. There are several influencers and role models in all shades of grey (or white) with easy access to them through various means. The child today is constantly being bombarded by various social media which are sources of instant gratification, validation, trolling and even abuse. These influence the young, impressionable minds and make them increasingly likely to lead or be led, to be helpless or courageous and distressed or resilient. Certainly, they will become more opinionated. This peer-group learning is usually conflicting with the interactions between them and the parental generations. Things, paradigms and beliefs which are relevant to parents may have no meaning at all to the growing minds of today and the actions and behaviours of the young today may be unacceptable or even blasphemous to the previous generations.

On the other hand, most parents would consider their child as an extension of their self. Perhaps this is simply because they have been somehow instrumental in bringing this young life into this world. In a subconscious act of self-preservation and indeed self-perpetuation, they think of the child as an opportunity and a conduit for the fulfillment of their own unfulfilled dreams. The limited experience that parents may have had in this world simply by arriving a few years earlier than the child makes them feel entitled to patronise and be prescriptive about how this piece of life should be defined and evolve. The internal insecurities of most parents are borne out of not having met their own previous generations’ expectations and unmet needs of validation amongst their own peers and society. These insecurities have been defined by false ideals of aspirations and achievements in the material world and ultimately get cruelly and unfairly thrust on to the young shoulders as a burden blighting the true and unique potential the new and nascent life.

By stepping safe distance away from my own self and also from my children and truly empathising with them both, I can objectively and subjectively, see both positions. I also do try to listen to my children with a view to truly understand their paradigm and talk to many other parents and young people I have had the privilege to mentor and adopt as my family as well. I slowly begin to understand that while my values systems and moral compass have served me well, they may not necessarily be applicable in the same way to my children, even though the fundamental truths like integrity, humility and courage will never change. The compass guiding my decisions and the values have enriched my life experiences and have led me to successes, failures and learnings, however, mine and my children’s definition of success could be and are vastly different. We simply live our lives too differently and the world we live in and are going to live in can be seen as radically different. So what is actually required is to listen to the present generation without judgement. It is important to engage and understand their needs by asking relevant questions. What is it that they really care about? Why do they think that their framework and thinking is the way forward? What are they here to contribute? What are their motivations, issues and drivers? What do they expect and wish to contribute in relationships?

By aligning with their spirit, by being congruent and resonant with their way of thinking, you may find why they act the way they do. Giving instructions in a didactic way will no longer work and in fact if done too forcefully through disciplining, will only serve to disengage and distance them. A constant negotiation approach, taking into account their life goals and purpose while representing and transferring the value systems of love, compassion, courage and humility is needed. Just like each plant in the garden has a different flower, with its own beauty, fragrance and contribution to the bouquet, each child is unique too. Our job as gardeners and caretakers is to provide the right soil, oxygen, nourishment, water and most importantly, weed control (bad influences). We can then simply watch them grow and blossom to be whichever flower they wish to turn out to be; spreading their fragrance and joy in this world. We cannot patronise a marigold to become a rose because we feel that the rose is more beautiful! Each flower has a role to play and makes the garden or a bouquet what it is! As human beings we have no right to hinder one’s growth to their maximum potential, and this most certainly applies to your own child. You don't own them! It took me years to realise it as well. It’s not easy. Sometimes even now!

To be fair to parents, I will say this that all parents always remain new parents! I think every parental journey is experiential and experimental. No clear rules. We remain new parents to all our different children at different stages and hence there is no defining style. Each child is different with different potential and different needs and character. Their own ongoing journeys within and outside the house are also different. I don't think we raised or should raise our children in any way. It is demeaning to the human spirit that it be raised in a particular way, as the Bhagwat Gita says that every child is born divine.

Finally, while trying to get my head around parenting for many years, I did realise that the philosophy, ‘My way, or the highway’, would never work! So instead, I formed my own analogy of parenting. I have used it with my children with reasonable success over the last few years. I compare it to teaching them how to behave on the motorway. So now if you are driving on the motorway in the UK or elsewhere, a strict no no is to cut across into the divider! It will kill you instantly. So that metaphorically is a ‘never ever’ event. If you travel in the left most lane, it will be safe but you will never progress as most of the time you will be under the speed limit. If you hog the middle lane (it is illegal now!), you will get in other people’s way, remain confused or will be shunted left or right. If you are always in the right lane, you may be taking undue risks all the time with errors of judgement or even be a victim of road rage or technical failures. The car may require frequent maintenance. The police can get involved too with penalty points if you are tempted to cross the speed limit! So the key is to see the timing of your journey, the logistics, the opportunities on the road, the company you are with in the car, your goals and destination, the technical limitations of your car, etc. and use all the lanes to your advantage to arrive safely, happily and sometimes ahead of time. If possible, you may still take a detour to enjoy a spot you haven't seen yet. But most importantly, keep your engine in top condition (body, mind, heart and soul). And one other thing! I tell them that if they ever are in any difficulty, then they must move over to the hard shoulder, climb over the side barrier and call dad for help. They may mess up big time and embarrassingly so, but dad will never judge them. He will still be there when the whole world has given up on them, as long as they are sorry for it and are prepared to learn from it! That's my parenting philosophy. The motorway of parenting!