The Hard Truth About Helping Others: When to Step Back and Protect Your Peace

Welcome to another edition of Kickin' it with Kristen — your midweek motivation every Wednesday!  

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💡Aha! Moment

Have you ever known someone who always seems to feel like life is working against them? No matter what happens, they see themselves as the victim. They criticize others but don’t seem to notice they’re doing the very things they judge.

I once found myself wrapped up in a dynamic like this, thinking I could help them see things differently. But here’s the aha moment: their constant negativity and judgment were actually a cry for help. Underneath it all, they were struggling. The problem? You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to change.

And while I was busy trying to support them, the toxicity took a toll. Their words were sharp—hurtful even—and it wasn’t long before their pain started bleeding into everything around them. That’s the thing about being close to someone who’s stuck in a victim mindset: their bitterness and hurtful words can chip away at you too if you let them.

It reminded me of that scene in Elf, when Buddy says, “He’s an angry elf!” Sometimes, that’s exactly what it feels like—being around someone who’s constantly lashing out, bitter and frustrated with the world. But, just like in the movie, their anger usually comes from something deeper inside. Unfortunately, you can’t fix it for them.

That’s when I thought back to the Drama Triangle, a concept I often discussed as a leader. It’s a powerful model that explains how people fall into the roles of Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer in unhealthy dynamics. While I had applied it in the workplace, I realized it also applies to personal relationships. When someone adopts the Victim role, it’s easy for others to get sucked into trying to "rescue" them or feeling like the "persecutor" in their eyes.

Here’s the hard truth I learned: playing the Rescuer only keeps the cycle going. You can’t fix things for them, and by constantly trying to help, you might only reinforce their sense of helplessness.

So how do you step back when it feels like walking away?

Here’s what helped me:

1. Set clear boundaries: This doesn’t mean shutting them out, but it does mean limiting how much of their negativity you allow into your space. Be clear on what conversations you’re willing to engage in—and when it’s time to walk away.
2. Don’t take their words personally: It’s hard, but their hurtful words usually come from a place of their own pain, not something you’ve done. Remind yourself that their reactions reflect their internal struggle, not your worth.
3. Focus on your own well-being: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take time to protect your own mental and emotional health—whether that’s through hobbies, exercise, meditation, or simply connecting with positive influences in your life.
4. Offer support—but only if they ask: Sometimes people need to reach rock bottom before they’re ready to change. Let them know you care, but don’t force solutions. When they’re ready, you’ll be there.

And sometimes, you need to take some time away before letting them back into your life. This break can be necessary to heal from the impact of their toxicity and allow them to reflect on their own behavior. It’s not easy, but it’s important to protect your own peace while giving them the space to figure things out on their own.

If you’re curious about the Drama Triangle and how these dynamics work, check out this great video overview: Drama Triangle Overview.

Stepping back isn’t abandoning them; it’s protecting yourself while allowing them the room to grow. And when they’re ready, you can reconnect with stronger boundaries and a healthier dynamic. 

1️⃣One Thing I...

🏫 Learned - Right now, I’m deep in the process of learning all about what it takes to write a book. Should I write one? I’m am close to deciding which topic I will tackle for my book, and it's been a fascinating journey so far, and I’m learning a lot along the way!

📖 Read - A few months ago, I came across an inspiring post by Richard van der Blom er Blom on the Japanese concept of Ikigai. If you’re not familiar with it, Ikigai is all about finding the sweet spot between what you love, what the world needs, what you can be paid for, and what you’re good at. Richard’s take really hit home for me—he shared how discovering his Ikigai a decade ago was life-changing, especially as an entrepreneur. His post breaks down these four life aspects into simple, thought-provoking questions—covering Passion, Mission, Vocation, and Profession—that guide you toward greater fulfillment.

If you’ve been on the hunt for more meaning or purpose in your work, I highly recommend diving into these questions. They help connect the dots between what drives you, what the world values, and how to build a sustainable career from it. Here’s the link to Richard’s post if you’re curious: Ikigai Post.

Richard’s approach is practical and insightful. It’s a great roadmap for anyone looking to create a career that blends professional success with personal satisfaction. By asking questions like “What makes you lose track of time?” or “What legacy do you want to leave behind?” you might just uncover the key to a more balanced, purposeful life.

👀 Watched - I recently watched a TED Talk that really sparked my curiosity about improvisation. It was by Reggie Watts, the comedian and musician, and the title says it all: “Everything is Improvisation — Including This TED Talk.” Now, I’ve been toying with the idea of taking improv classes, and Reggie’s talk made me even more excited about it. His presentation was playful and unpredictable—he blended humor and deep philosophy, all while making the case that life itself is improvisation.

Reggie’s talk really made me think about how much of our daily lives are improvised without us even realizing it. Whether in work or in personal interactions, we’re constantly adapting, adjusting, and making things up as we go. His whimsical, spontaneous style had me laughing and reflecting at the same time, and it’s worth watching if you want to be reminded of the beauty in uncertainty. Check it out here: Reggie Watts TED Talk.

Watching it had me smiling, maybe even dancing a little in my chair! It was a fun reminder that life doesn’t have to be so structured, and sometimes the best outcomes come when we embrace the unknown.

✔️ Accomplished - I’m really excited about an event I’m co-hosting with my friend Jes Landau — Uncork & Unwind: A Bedtime Benefit Bash on November 20 at 6 pm CST! It’s a virtual wine-tasting event where we’ll be supporting The Pajama Program, which provides cozy pajamas and books to children in need. We’ll be tasting wines from ONEHOPE Wine , and I’d love for you to join us in your comfiest pajamas for a night of giving back, relaxing, and great conversation.

Here are the details:

• Date: November 20, 2024
• Time: 6 pm CST
• Platform: Zoom
• Register Here: Sign up

Make sure to order your wine by November 6 to fully participate. You’ll get all the event details, including a special link to purchase your wine, once you’ve registered. Let’s make a difference while unwinding together—hope to see you there!

🤔Insight for the Week

You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. — Unknown (often attributed to author Penny Reid)

❓Ask Kristen

Thanks to everyone who sent in questions. This one came from the state of Florida!

Q:  How much time do you spend networking each week, and what benefits do you see from it?

A: I probably spend 5-10 hours a week networking, and the return is more than just business leads. Networking gives me the chance to learn from others—hearing about their journeys, industries, and the challenges they’re facing. It also helps me build a supportive community that I can lean on and contribute to.

Doors to new opportunities open all the time, whether it’s attending events, getting interviewed, or exploring collaborations. Plus, I love connecting people in my network, helping business owners or leaders find opportunities they might not have come across otherwise. And of course, every once in a while, I walk away with new business! But the real value for me is the learning, connections, and opportunities that networking consistently brings.

I'd love to hear from you! If you have a question or topic you'd like to see covered in a future edition, comment below or DM me!