The hard truth about making a successful life transition

Was it the right decision to take nine months off work? Absolutely! As a couple we needed to restock, recharge and refocus on the fundamentals of our lives – our health, well-being and, most importantly, our son. We reached a tipping point: continue on the same path, suffer and face a difficult moment some way down the track. Or take some time to work out what truly matters, what we want to focus on and how we want to live, and invest proper time in things we knew we had to fix or create. It marked the beginning of the transition to the next chapter in our life.

Was it the hardest thing I’ve done in my life? No question, although hardly revolutionary. Mothers (and a small, but growing, number of fathers) have been taking similar periods of time off for years when they have a child. The first few weeks were particularly tough. The adrenalin and cortisol reduced substantially, as did the e-mails and phone calls. I felt de-robed, under-equipped and out of my depth at times.

I was going ‘cold turkey’ after 20 years of hard work, good fun and probably a degree of addiction.

Then the real work started. Did I ‘fix’ everything (as one friend put it)? No, of course I didn’t. But I learned to cope better. Questioned myself, wondering why I am here, and what I am here to do, beyond a title and role at work and in the family. It was, and is, a process of mentalising - invoking more of the wise advocate in me, trying to take the ‘high road’ as opposed the day-to-day ‘low road’ as Jeffrey Schwartz, Josie Thomson and Art Kleiner described it in their seminal piece on the Neuroscience of Leadership. And we’ve begun to put in place stronger foundations - in our case a fresh approach to education, health, therapies and care.

Did we hit every milestone? No. You can’t rush some stuff, and you certainly can’t buy your way through a process. You just have to wait, be patient or give up. Caring for a severely disabled child is incredibly rewarding – to see his progress, little by little, and to enjoy the surprises – and it’s brutal too. The intensity of care leaves little room for much else, physically and mentally. It’s a lonely journey (indeed 8 in 10 carers feel lonely or isolated according to Carers UK), feeling that there aren’t others who empathise or even talk to. Some stay away, for fear of not knowing what to do say or do. And you doubt yourself, wondering if you’re doing the right thing; are we trying too hard and not giving him enough space?

It’s like a crazy optimisation problem with lots of constraints and a ton of pressure – except it’s real life, not an academic puzzle.

But then you pick your head up, look forward and recognise how far you’ve come. And understand that it’s a ‘life magnified’, as James Melville-Ross said in his moving and funny book ‘Two for Joy’ about the life of his disabled twins, and family: ‘the lows are much lower than you could probably imagine and they are long and sustained. But the highs, wow, the highs, they make it all worthwhile.’ You learn how to be kinder to yourself, and to others, even after another night of broken sleep, challenging behaviours or stressful appointments. And you realise that you’ve become stronger, more resilient and a little more creative in developing solutions and negotiating help; contrary to popular belief, you’re not tarnished or weakened rather you’re stronger with more skills and experience that are relevant to professional roles too. 

We’re now clearer on the shape and direction of our life, and we have some momentum. Not everything is right, or ready, and it never will be. Life is very different to others, in some ways smaller and more challenging. But how we feel about that difference is in our control. Why waste hard fought energy challenging the status quo, complaining or worrying about the future (note to self: keep telling myself this)?

Fill up the bank of goodness, by spending time with nice people and recognising gratitude for the good things in life, to get you through the dark days. And find the people who get it, and are willing to adapt a little.

10 lessons from making a life transition

I’ve learnt a few things along the way which I thought would be helpful for others returning to work, embarking on the new stage in their career or contemplating life:

• Work out what you are truly great at. Remember the moments when you felt like you were in a flow, when everything seemed to work and you were energised; and significant others (bosses, family or friends) felt the same. Ask the people who were there what you did well, and what they observed. I’ve been surprised how well people remember great moments. Get scientific about your reflection; break it down. Work out the conditions that helped you perform in that way – your own mindset, preparation, the culture, role, support from others. As Prof Dan Cable says work should give you an opportunity of self-expression so that you can be yourself and play to your strengths, making work feel like real life. This is a good starting point to then explore new roles, and opportunities whether in your career or your life at large.
• Search out those who are genuinely different to you: work out whom you need to learn from – it may be someone who’s gone through a similar experience, someone you admire or someone who has the job you want to have. They must be different to you, otherwise you’ll probably be able to guess what they will say. Difference comes in many forms: their skills, style, background, experience, upbringing, gender, race. I reached out to a brilliant group of people who shared their wisdom generously and openly; you know who you are - I'm incredibly grateful.
• Ask simple, direct questions of yourself and others: I talk too much, a combination of passion and under-confidence in some situations (yes, we all have it). I’m learning to say less, ask what I really want to know and then really listen. So try this: you have two minutes with the person you’ve reached out to and you had to ask one question, what would it be? No caveats, straight in. That was my mindset in the conversations I’ve had, conscious that I was asking a favour, and that I was outside the professional bubble so less relevant or valuable to them. In every case I got an answer. Ask them who and what inspires them – a person, book, an idea or a framework. Ask for criticism. At the end of the conversation, reflect and capture what they said, and what they didn’t say. And, importantly, ask yourself how did you feel about the question, the answer, the person and yourself?
• Clear away the baggage to create space for new experiences, new ideas: clearing out the loft in my house and files on my PC brought back some incredible memories, and surfaced a lot of deadwood. I felt energised, ready to take on more. However much you delegate or improve how well you work, there will come a time when your mind, soul and body is full to the brim. You simply can’t take on new responsibilities and activities without letting go. At the same time, “you also have to stop looking back if you want to restart and grow” as Banksy said.
• Keep moving and improving: everybody looks for the big break, especially when you’re looking to address important issues in your life. But the potential from making changes, regularly, is huge. Keep thinking, doing, looking at the problem or situation through different lenses. Maintain ‘intelligent naivevity’ that outsiders practise in new industries, as Kathleen Saxton, founder of the Lighthouse Company, said in a great film on transformation. Don’t get stuck in ruts or repetitive activities. Ask yourself: how many times have I done this before this way? Is there an easier or quicker way of doing it? How can I break the rules (without doing anything illegal or simply wrong, of course). Seek out new stimulus, and learn from it; reading Richard Hynter’s description of the brand name of his consultancy ‘betababoon’ made me think completely differently about how to describe your passion, and business – “We are beta baboons to our alpha clients”. Brilliant!
• Manage your identity carefully: I’ve felt I’ve gained skills, experience and confidence to complement my professional identity. But it’s easy to lose an identity, especially in the eyes of people who have a singular perspective on you. Beware of short memories and myopia. Smarter, more curious people recognise multiple identities – the employee, father, friend, carer or family member – but they’re in the minority. So craft your story, message carefully and present yourself, in the way you want them to see. I felt I’ve gained skills, experience and confidence to complement my professional identity. It doesn’t mean wearing a mask or being a different person. It means that you need to emphasise the aspect of your identity that’s relevant to them – the topic, skill, financial contribution and so forth. Keep it simple.
• Get real about how important work is: Business is transient. You become ‘out of sight, out of mind’ very quickly. People step into fill the space you've left, and they’re often isn’t immediate headroom when you return unless it’s to a brand new role. Work can be meaningful, and it’s certainly critical to sustain our livelihood. But beware of centring your whole life, and every waking hour, around it. It becomes additive, competitive, often for no good reason but the rush of the chase. And when a blip or a change in circumstances comes, and it will, you’ll feel lost, rudderless and empty. Don’t confuse getting a sense of perspective with a lack of commitment, focus, interest or effort at work. It simply means that you create a degree of “passionate detachment”, which, in fact, will serve your career and your life well.
• Plan with a purpose then let go a little: sometimes you can’t plan your way through a situation. Lead with purpose and experiment; contrary to popular belief, you might go backwards for a while and lose direction. Putting yourself in new situations, with new people can be fertile ground for change; use all of your senses to understand what’s going on. Hang off the directional style of leadership sometimes. Sometimes I found that the traditional approach of setting outcomes, outputs and a plan to get there worked really well, and other times it was too much, so I went with a flow, and still met the outcomes without being as wrapped up in a process.
• Get in tune with your body and mind:  ask whether the activity, job, place or person feels right, mentally, physically and spiritually? It’s hard when you’re in a rush or under pressure. But it’s a practice I’m finding to serve me well. My hunch is that the appreciation, understanding and management of mind and body will define future leaders from the rest. At present, it’s a sideshow reserved for those who are struggling or who have tipped over the edge of their resilience or enjoyment. So breathe. Watch. Listen. Control how you react. I'm really looking forward to reading Dan Cable's book on the subject - Alive at Work
• Identify and use decision points wisely: every day we face decision points, and trade-offs in our professional and personal lives. In our case, working out how to cope the day after a rare night out with friends that brings back the hopes and dreams we had when we listen to their stories. We could stop going out to avoid this. But life’s too short and we enjoy their company. So we persist, and learn to get through the grief. We avoid inertia. For all of the self-reflection and fresh stimulus, there comes a point when you just have to leap ahead. As the charismatic and kind Prof Costas Markides said you simply have to make a choice to focus your effort and apply a bias to action. Applies to good strategy, and to ourselves as human beings.

Nurture those who come back into the fold

For those of you working with people out of the business – whether new recruits (in what is often a long process) or returners - keep in touch, share news that’s important and make space in your schedule. Be positive, inclusive and interested in the person you’re meeting afresh and again; they’re likely to be sensitised, searching so choose your words and actions carefully.

We’re clearer about where we’re heading, with more fuel in the tank. The road will still be bumpy, and we’ll probably go off course. But that’s ok, because we’re moving forward. Prof Herminia Ibarra described the journey eloquently in her excellent book ‘Working Identity’: “it is a process and practice that allows us to get back in touch with forgotten selves, to order priorities, and to explore long-standing or newfound interests”. Professionally, from the New Year, I’m looking forward to helping companies and individuals flourish; not just grow, restructure or change. I want to be more ambitious than that, with fresh impetus, more strength and courage. And I’ll remember what my good friend, and superb coach, Joel Segal said:

“ Remember it's your life and you hold all the cards.”

That's the hard truth. And, as Banksy reminds, us let's have some fun, breaking the rules along the way...

I'd love to hear reflections, lessons and ideas from people who've gone through transitions - in their careers or life as a whole.