The Hardest Person to Forgive: Yourself

If human beings were perfect, this topic would be a waste of your time. And as women in business, your time is far too precious to waste.

The point is that sometimes we do something we are not proud of. It can affect our health as well as our emotional wellness.

THINGS PEOPLE DO

 We may be calculating in that we borrow money from someone who’s kind and in a better financial situation, knowing he’ll forgive us every time we fail to repay him. We decline to update someone with information that would truly make a difference because we’re just a little jealous. We say hurtful things. We cuss someone out. We spread gossip because it makes people sit up and take notice that we know something they don’t. Or we spread malicious updates about someone who gets on our one last nerve.

A FEW OF THE BIGGIES

There are times some of us cheat on our taxes, take extra change at a store and fail to alert the clerk about their mistake, make solemn promises we have no intention to keep, or lie to save face. That’s just a short list. 

Some of us have an extramarital affair and make several excuses why we do so. (The passion’s gone out of our marriage, he doesn’t seem interested in me anymore, I was feeling lonely and the irresistible “he” was there, this guy and I had a special connection, it just happened, etc.)

 Weeks, months, or even years later, we are forced to acknowledge that was the biggest mistake we could ever have made.

PAYING THE REAL PRICE

When you have a moral core, despite your efforts to forget the wrongs you did to others, the memories can come back to haunt you. You might have trouble sleeping. You might also overcompensate by becoming judgmental of others, trying to prove to yourself that you are back on the “straight and narrow path.”

YOUR MIND WON’T LEAVE YOUR THOUGHTS ALONE

 Unfortunately, you might also have a subconscious desire to punish yourself. This is something that can express itself in many destructive ways. Let’s examine a few.

 Some of us drink or gamble too much, hoping to quiet the nagging guilt. Some of us make terrible financial decisions, costing a considerable amount of money comparable to our ill-gotten gains. Some of us become ill, as if physical pain or discomfort can redeem us for the suffering we might have caused others. Others might date or marry abusive partners that confirm our low self-opinion.

HONEST MISTAKES DON’T DESERVE PUNISHMENT

And then sometimes we do nothing morally wrong, but we can’t forgive ourselves for making honest mistakes and end up distracted, less effective, and basically miserable.

 Of course, these are generalizations and few scenarios are this dramatic. But what matters is the ability to forgive yourself is key to self-healing, growth, and finding healthy solutions.

 Again, no one is perfect. This is not an excuse, but most of us think in terms of a severe form of condemnation for committing an offense.

THE REALITIES AND THE SUGGESTIONS

 The fact is that you can’t reverse time. You can only go forward by making whatever reparations are available to you.

 At some point, any 12-step program worth your time will focus on making amends. You might use a similar approach. 

WHAT TO DO NOW

 If you are sincerely sorry about what you have done, make peace with your Higher Power. That’s a powerful step toward recovery. 

Try apologizing from the heart to someone for something you did or said or the time you used a lot of profanity when communicating with them. Be kinder and more respectful toward people even if they’re not your cup of tea. If that’s not possible, avoid them and acknowledge that not everyone is your soulmate.

 If the person you dislike is doing harm to others and refuses to respond to your pleas for them to stop, if you can, talk to the person who can do something (legal and moral) about correcting their behavior.

  From this point forward, be honest during financial transactions. If you slip up and say something that you know will hurt the other person, make it a policy to apologize right then and there.

 Stop gossiping and encourage others to do so by example. There are so many true and uplifting stories, real issues to discuss, and pressing problems to resolve. Talk about those things instead.

 Forgive yourself for being a flawed human being. Most likely, you will have to do this several times before it will become a habit that allows you to experience self-forgiveness at a deeper level. 

 You’ll have your good moments and your shameful moments. Journal them and move on.

 Focus on your self-growth and development. There are so many books, articles, videos, and programs that help you do this. Take advantage of them.

 WHAT IF NONE OF THOSE METHODS WORK?

 If you notice you’re still consumed by the thought that you could never forgive yourself, talk to a counselor. Many are available online and you might feel better after just a few sessions.

 Celebrate your improved behaviors or attitudes. If you do something that’s difficult but you know it’s the right thing to do, congratulate yourself on your commitment to your personal ethics. Rewarded behavior gets repeated.

 So forgive yourself and remember: always demand respect, but keep forgiving others who slight you. Like you, they are only human. Forgiving them will free you from carrying an extra burden. It might also help them to forgive themselves.

 Is there something you've done that, although you know it wasn't your fault or the person you wronged forgave you, you can't let go of? You can discuss issues like this in confidence and hear a holistic perspective that can help you achieve peace of mind about it as one of your goals. That's the kind of service I provide as a certified life, health, and wellness coach. Grab your free wellness chat at this link.

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