Healing from a Distant Father: Rediscovering God’s Love and Presence (1 of 3)

Two weeks ago, I joined a group of Christian men around a bonfire. We shared our stories, struggles and victories, creating an amazing time of honesty, vulnerability, and mutual encouragement. During our conversations, a common theme emerged:

How have our earthly fathers shaped our identity as men and fathers?

In this newsletter, I will begin to unpack this important question, which will be explored further in the next three issues. We will start by laying the groundwork for understanding our identity as sons of God. I will write this series with sons and fathers in mind, but valuable lessons can be learned for daughters and their fathers as well.

This issue focuses on the impact of a distant or absent father on our image of God and explores steps to receive healing. Future newsletters will address the effects of having a harsh and an unforgiving father.

Lets start with the foundation.

Children of God

As followers of Jesus we are children of God. John 1:12 (NKJV) says: “But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name:”.

We are His children. He is our Father.

How do you see God the Father?

Do you see Him as a loving and caring God? One that you talk to?

Or do you see him as absent, distant or harsh?

The image you have of God is highly affected by how your earthly father have been to you.

If your earthly father has been absent, you might see God as absent and feel abandoned easily. When you get married you might struggle to express your emotions and have a fear of abandonment.

If your earthly father has been harsh, you might see God as harsh and are afraid to approach Him. You also might have a lack of self-worth and cannot forgive ourselves.

If your earthly father has been unforgiving, you might have problems to forgive yourself and others.

I have created a table (with the help of ChatGPT) with the negative character traits of a father and how they might effect us and our relationships.

When we have a distant and absent father during our childhood it can have the following effect:

1. Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem

Children look to their parents for affirmation and validation. A distant father often fails to provide this essential emotional support. Without positive reinforcement and encouragement, children may grow up feeling unworthy or incapable.

2. Difficulty in Emotional Expression

Research indicates that parental emotional availability is vital for children's emotional development. One key study highlights the importance of emotional availability in the parent-child relationship, showing that it predicts various positive outcomes such as attachment security, emotion regulation, and academic readiness.

Children learn to express and manage their emotions by observing their parents. When a father is emotionally distant, he fails to model healthy emotional expression, leaving sons without clear guidance on how to process and express their own feelings. Consequently, men who had distant fathers may struggle with expressing emotions and showing affection to their own children.

3. Fear of Vulnerability

A distant father can create an environment where emotional expression is not valued or is even seen as a weakness. This can lead to sons developing a fear of vulnerability, associating emotional openness with potential rejection or ridicule. Bowlby’s Attachment Theory indicates that children who grow up with emotionally unavailable parents often develop defense mechanisms to protect themselves from perceived threats of emotional exposure.

4. Challenges in Forming Secure Attachments

The same Attachment Theory suggests that early relationships with caregivers shape future relational patterns. An insecure attachment with a distant father can lead to similar attachment issues with one's own children or spouses.

5. Fear of Abandonment

A distant father can instill a fear of abandonment, leading to difficulties in trust, anxiety, and self-sabotage in relationships. This fear arises from inconsistent emotional support, insecure attachment, and internalized unworthiness.

How Does This Influence Our View of God the Father?

In my teenage years, at times my father wasn’t available. For me this led to feelings of insecurity and unworthiness. I saw God as distant and not there. I saw Him as a God who didn’t care.

It was difficult for me to accept God's unconditional love. I felt I had to earn God's love and that I was not deserving His love.

This affected me a lot. It led to perfectionism and working extremely hard. I couldn’t let go and also couldn’t rest. I had to work to perform love. I had thought about unworthiness.

Maybe you have the same right now? Or you have experienced this in the past?

Or you recognize other symptoms of a distant father in your life right now? Maybe you a sense of unworthiness or fear of being vulnerable?

How to Restore Your View of God the Father?

The Word of God

What helped me a lot during my younger years, was studying the Word of God and learn about the Father heart of God. My heart and mind were distorted. I had a wrong view of who God was.

The bible says in Romans 12:2 (NKJV) And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what [is] that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Through meditating and praying over the Scriptures (especially Ephesians and 1 John), my mind was changed. I had to take out the wrong thoughts about God as a Father and replace it with the truth. He is loving, caring.

Revelation of the Holy Spirit

I have asked the Father to reveal His Fathers heart to me through His Holy Spirit. Romans 5:5 (NKJV) says: Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

And Romans 8:16 (NKJV): The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God.

Fatherly examples

Surround yourself with other men and good fathers, learn from their example. This helps you see how a godly father should be.

Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 2:11 (NKJV): 11 as you know how we exhorted, and comforted, and charged every one of you, as a father [does] his own children,

A task of a father is to exhort, comfort and charge. Seeing this example helps you. By speaking encouraging words, your father speaks life. He gives you identity.

Pray with someone

Ask some friends or people from your church to pray with you. They might see things that you don’t see or know and stir you in the right direction.

Many blessings!

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