A Heartfelt Story For Those Who Have Suffered from Anxiety

I’ve never openly shared this experience…

…partly because it took me so long to process, but I feel compelled to share today in hopes that my story brings healing or inspiration to others…

Growing up, baseball was always my one true love and obsession.

I would spend hours hitting off the tee in my backyard, recording everything with a digital camera so later I could slow down the footage on my computer and compare it side-by-side to the swings of my favorite big leaguers, like Ken Griffey Jr.

For the next 10-15 years of my life, my Dad and I easily logged thousands of miles up and down the coast to play in tournaments playing against some of the best talent in the nation, many who made it to the MLB.

In high school, I got recruited to play at a few different schools in the Washington Catholic Athletic Conference, one of the most competitive conferences in the DC, MD, VA area.

I chose Good Counsel partly because I loved the vibe and partly because of Coach McGowan. He genuinely made me feel like an all star and his support was absolutely massive for a young player like myself.

My sophomore year I became an everyday player on the varsity team and my senior year we finally made it to the championship and crushed our rival, Dematha, 14-3.

I still get goosebumps thinking about this win. We finished the season #2 in the state, in the top 50 in the USA and I was named second-team all conference.

While I got some D1 interest throughout high school and was named an Under Armour Preseason All American, nothing materialized into any offers.

I got recruited by a few D2 and D3 schools. Most notably Johns Hopkins University, a prestigious school and D3 program and after my visit decided to commit.

However, halfway through my freshman year I had second thoughts. I didn’t care about ‘prestige’ and wanted an authentic college experience - not study sessions every day until 3AM.

I decided to apply and transfer to Emory University.

Though unlike Hopkins, I wasn’t recruited so if I wanted to go to Emory, I had to earn my way in and on the field and into the everyday lineup. Miraculously, I got over a 3.3 at JHU and accepted to Emory.

Back then I wasn’t the meditation addict I am now and suffered from performance anxiety due to the immense pressure I put on myself to prove myself to this new coach that I belonged on the field.

My anxiety manifested as a sense of unworthiness and led me to occasionally make boneheaded, self sabotaging mistakes at the plate or in the field that I never previously made.

While I made the team my sophomore year, I only played in six games off the bench (yet still managed to blast a homerun in my last at bat that I’m pretty sure still hasn’t landed…).

The next season fall ball came and went. I was hopeful that I would get a better shot to prove myself to my coach, especially given the fact I managed to perform well despite my limited at bats.

But that shot never came…

After the end of fall ball, Coach T announced he would be posting the official spring roster on the locker room door…

When I showed up my eyes quickly scanned the roster on the door.

My name wasn’t there.

Coach offered to have meetings with any players who didn’t make the team so a few days later I walked into his office, sat down and demanded to know why I didn’t make the team.

Without hesitating, he told me, “The game is too fast for you.”

In other words he told me, “You’re too slow”.

In a matter of seconds, the foundation of my 21 year old identity came crashing down.

Having dedicated nearly my entire life to the game, that tore me up inside.

I felt sick to my stomach and then instant anger.

Inside I wanted to scream “Who the f#$% are you rob me of my childhood dreams?!”

“You don’t know me! You don’t know what I’m capable of!”

Outside, I barely managed to fight off the tears and keep my composure while my blood slowly boiled inside.

I felt complete and utter powerlessness.

All I could do was sit there and accept this coach’s half-truth as truth.

For the longest time, I told myself this was all okay. A lot of amazing things happened as a direct result of this experience…

Like studying abroad in Australia, traveling the world, starting my business, meeting my wife and countless other experiences that I wouldn’t trade for the absolute world.

However, the truth was I hadn't reconciled this experience. There was still an 8 year old inside me who was heartbroken and who believed he wasn’t worthy of achieving his dreams.

It wasn’t until recently that I made peace with that heartbroken, devastated inner child.

I told him that I saw his true potential, that he was good enough and that he was more than worthy of achieving his wildest dreams.

Here's why I'm telling you this:

I know what it's like to feel absolutely powerless against the anxiety of constantly trying to prove your worth….

I know what it’s like to constantly fight off the inner critic who constantly tells you…

“You’re not good enough… You’re too slow… You’re a fucking failure…”

I know what it’s like to let the opinions of others dictate your worth.

And because of that, I also know what it feels like to turn that inner critic into your inner coach that sees you in all your glory and unlimited potential.

That’s why I care so much about helping others, particularly entrepreneurs and business owners, conquer their anxiety and self sabotage once and for all…

So that they can find inner peace, tap into their unlimited, infinite potential as humans and achieve their wildest, most ambitious dreams.