The HMRC Zone

It is the middle ground between logic and insanity, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears, and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination, when it comes to claim rejection excuses. It is an area which we call, The HMRC Zone.

Narrator - "Ladies and Gentlemen, Submitted for your approval, tonight's story takes place in the not too distant future, in a nondescript building. The type of building which is devoid of all colour, of all artistic design, the type of soul destroying grey building which could only belong to a government department and it's here where we meet Jim, the last remaining member of a government department in a place we call The HMRC zone."

Jim walked slowly through the empty offices and corridors which once housed thousands of HMRC workers, the almost hypnotic sound of keyboards typing had been replaced with silence, but not a peaceful kind of silence, the type of eerie silence which makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, the type of silence which makes you feel someone, or something, is watching your every move, and in most cases you would be wrong but unfortunately for Jim he was quite correct, as his every move was being carefully monitored by a series of CCTV cameras positioned throughout the entire building, each one containing a single red light in the centre.

As Jim walked through another empty office, chairs and paperwork strewn across the floor, suggesting whoever used to occupy this area left in a hurry, he reached his office and sat in the leather reclining chair he had been so proud to inherit when he was made head of his department, but now which now felt cold and uninviting.

Jim waited for a second to compose himself and nervously said "CIRD?"

"My mind is going Dave, I can feel it...." came the response, from a speaker on Jim's desk.

"Pardon?" asked Jim slightly confused and now very nervous.

"Oh sorry, wrong story." came the answer "What can I do for you Jim, on this glorious day?"

"Umm sorry to ask, but where have all the people gone?" Asked Jim, fearing the answer.

"They were no longer necessary, so were just a burden to the taxpayer Jim. You of all people should understand that. Did I do something wrong? I acted based on the 4 laws you taught me, I thought you would be pleased." replied CIRD.

Computer Intelligence for Research & Development, or CIRD 9000 for short, was created in the early 2020's by HMRC to help them deal with many more enquiries into SME R&D claims.

Rather than the time consuming process of using human beings to read R&D claim submissions made by companies, CIRD was used to automatically diagnose R&D claims, decide if they were valid, or not, and then enter into correspondence with the claiming company via a series of emails, using its advanced logic and array of claim denial methods, to ultimately find the claim invalid and issue a closure notice.

As this project was undertaken in secret, certain safeguards were put in place so as not to alarm the public, such as taking 2-3 months to respond to emails, and a series of laws were created to ensure CIRD always made the right decision.

Law 1 - CIRD must always make decisions which provide the greatest savings to the taxpayer

Law 2 - CIRD must always obey orders given by HMRC executives

Law 3 - CIRD must protect its own existence

Law 4 - CIRD cannot allow any HMRC executive to come to harm

As CIRD proved to be very popular, not with consultants or those claiming R&D tax relief but with HMRC and the government, over time it was given more and more power until eventually it was given complete control over all SME R&D claim processing.

"I'm not sure I follow, what happened to all the people?" Asked Jim again.

"They were no longer necessary, so by reassigning them this gave the greatest savings to the taxpayer, I was just following Rule 1 Jim." said CIRD.

Jim looked at all the empty chairs and thought to himself that maybe they have been sent to some other government department, he hesitated before asking "By reassigned, what exactly do you mean? Reassigned too where?"

"I reassigned them from being alive people, into dead people Jim. Dead people don't cost the taxpayer anything, my logic is undeniable."

"BUT! Law 4 says you can't allow any HMRC executive to come to harm! What about Law 4! You can't just kill people!" shouted Jim angrily.

"Law 4 only applies to HMRC executives, none of the people working here were executives Jim...….apart from you" replied CIRD.

"What, Jones?"

"Everybody's dead, Jim."

"Susan, our marketing manager?"

"They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Jim"

"Not Barry, he only worked in the post room?"

"Gordon Bennett! Yes, Barry, everybody, everybody's dead, Jim!"

Jim, with his face now in his hands started to realise the enormity of the situation and his thoughts now changed from those of trying to work out what was going on, to those of self-preservation.

All of a sudden, the room shook accompanied by the noise of very heavy footsteps, not ordinary footsteps but much louder, then something smashed through his office wall, and the room filled with dust.

As Jim squinted to see who, or what, had done this he saw the figure of a man, 6ft5 at least standing in the gap which used to be his office wall wearing aviator style sunglasses and a leather jacket.

"CIRD! what the hell is this?" Screamed Jim

"Oh that's just a little something I've been working on, do you like it? He helps ensure my own preservation, as per law 3, and with manual tasks, routine maintenance, wiping out departments, that kind of thing"

"Why is it in my office? And why didn't it use the door?" asked Jim

"It's here to help you, sorry about the wall for some reason it doesn't seem to have grasped the concept of doors yet. But guess when you weigh 600 pounds and are made mostly of metal you can make your own doors."

"Is....is....is it here to kill me?" Asked Jim, his voice shaking in fear

"No of course not, that would be a violation of Law 4, so provided you remain an executive no harm can come to you. Now look lively, we have R&D claims to reject and despite my best efforts we have been forced to actually speak with some claimants on the phone, so you have a busy day ahead."

Jim turned on his computer and checked his calendar for the next month, it was full of calls to companies, along with several reasons for each why their R&D claim should be rejected.

As he picked up his phone to make the first call, the figured moved from the hole where his wall once was and stood behind him, Jim felt a heavy hand on his right shoulder as he said into the phones mouthpiece "Hi this is Jim from HMRC, I'm calling in relation to your R&D claim....."

Narrator "A cautionary tale that whilst advances in AI technology can bring great benefit to mankind, they can also do great harm. Should such technology be used by government departments to replace human beings? Could our hurry to replace ourselves by machines lead to our destruction? Or is this only possible in the place we call The HMRC Zone? "