Holding Calm Amid Chaos: Lessons from Managing a Downtown Seattle Homeless Shelter

In the heart of downtown Seattle, I had the privilege—and the challenge—of managing a homeless shelter where life’s struggles played out daily. One evening, as the murmur of guests settling in was interrupted by raised voices, I found myself summoned to de-escalate a tense situation. Two guests were on the verge of a physical altercation, and the fragile peace of the shelter hung in the balance. The house staff knew the conflict required someone with skills to manage and defuse what could have been a minor disaster. They called on me. The guy with a life-long attraction to managing conflict well due to my childhood experience of needing to cope with a physically and emotionally abusive older brother.

Moments like these required not only technical skills but also an inner composure, a kind of anchored presence that could diffuse the tension before it boiled over. Here’s what I learned about commanding calm, strong authority in the face of conflict.

Finding My Center Amid Conflict

Before stepping into the fray, I took a moment to center myself. De-escalating a tense situation starts with controlling your own response. Here’s what I did:

1. Deep Breathing: I focused on slow, steady breaths, inhaling deeply through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. This simple act calmed my nervous system and allowed me to think more clearly.
2. Relaxing Tense Muscles: I quickly scanned my body for tension—shoulders, jaw, fists—and consciously released it. A relaxed demeanor is contagious and signals non-threatening authority.
3. A Short Prayer: With a deep breath, I whispered, “Help me, God.” It was a grounding ritual, a way of aligning myself with the larger purpose of bringing peace to a chaotic moment.

By the time I stepped into the room, I was steady, ready to lead with authority and empathy and able to ignore my pounding heart.

Techniques for De-escalation

Separate the Principals

The first step was to physically separate the two individuals involved in the conflict. I gently guided them apart and moved them to separate spaces where they couldn’t escalate each other further.

Active Listening

Once they were separated, I employed active listening techniques to help each person feel heard and understood.

• Mirroring: I repeated back their key phrases to show I was listening closely. For example, if someone said, “They’re always disrespecting me!” I responded, “You feel like they’re not respecting you, is that right?”
• Paraphrasing: I summarized what I heard in my own words to ensure clarity. “So what I hear you saying is that this has been building up for a while, and you’ve reached a breaking point.”

Creative Questions

To shift their focus from anger to reflection, I asked open-ended questions like:

• “What do you think needs to happen so you can feel respected?”
• “How can we work together to make this space feel safer for everyone?”

These questions encouraged them to think beyond their immediate emotions and consider constructive solutions.

Perception Checking

I clarified assumptions that could fuel misunderstandings. “When they said that to you, do you think they meant to provoke you, or could it have been something else?”

Fogging

When faced with provocative statements, I didn’t counterattack or defend. Instead, I acknowledged the truth in their feelings without escalating the conflict. For example, “I can see why you’d feel that way.”

Negative Inquiry

If one person made accusations, I gently probed for more information to clarify their perspective. “When you say they ‘always’ disrespect you, can you give me an example of what happened?”

The Power of Calm Authority

Throughout the interaction, I maintained a calm but firm demeanor. My tone conveyed that while I was empathetic, I also expected cooperation. Authority doesn’t need to be loud or aggressive—it needs to be steady, clear, and respectful.

In this case, the techniques worked. The tension eased as both parties felt heard and respected. We ended the night with mutual agreements to avoid future confrontations, preserving the shelter’s fragile harmony.

When to Call for Backup

There are times when all de-escalation techniques fail, and safety must come first. As a last resort, I was prepared to call the police. Fortunately, in this instance, it wasn’t necessary. However, I never hesitated to take that step if the safety of guests or staff was at risk.

A Lesson in Humanity

Managing a homeless shelter taught me profound lessons about humanity, conflict, and the power of calm, strong authority. In the midst of chaos, our ability to stay centered can transform tension into understanding and conflict into cooperation. It’s a practice I carry with me to this day, in all areas of my life.

For anyone facing moments of conflict, remember: breathe deeply, ground yourself, and lead with empathy and respect. You may be surprised by how far those simple actions can go.

Contact Information For more information or assistance in transforming your nonprofit’s strategic planning process, teaching de-escalation and active listening skills, or facilitating your board retreat, contact:

Dr. Mark Smutny, Founder of Civic Reinventions, Inc. and Nonprofit Consultant

Email: mark.smutny@civicreinventions.com

Phone: 626-676-0287

Website: www.civicreinventions.com