Hopeless to hope

 The Misery that is perceived in life is mostly an illusion. Often, the illusion is perpetuated by our "loved ones/family/friends". Our close people frequently undermine us, sow seeds of doubt and fan mistrust. When done over extended periods, it leaves a deep scar. The journey to hopelessness starts there.

Outwardly the signs are hardly noticeable, but deep inside, there are contusions in your soul. A complete lack of trust in oneself marks a hopeless and helpless feeling. We start believing in others' versions of ourselves. Truth and lies become fuzzy, and one doubts the existence of goodness, truth, correctness etc. Some turn into diehard sceptics. For others, the joys of life abandon them. The phenomenon is quite widespread. Yet, surprisingly, one has not documented the existence of the specific form of abuse and torture.

I have often wondered why our "close" people perpetrate such abuses. Humans want to control events, situations and people around them. It makes one feel secure and powerful. The best way to control others is to make them feel what one wants them to believe. This is the ultimate triumph by one human over the other. An Individual abdicates their individuality to the puppet master. The effects of such puppetry extend beyond mental trauma. It manifests as physical conditions, too, some severe.

I understand the condition well since I was subjected to it for over 14 years. The torture, torment and desperation cannot be described in words. One word surmises the experience- a black hole.

Eighteen years back, I was resigned to such an existence. It is strange how we can adjust even to the most agonising experiences. Outward Equanimity comes at the cost of inner loss. You become a numb human being - inured to pain, pleasure, happiness and all other hues of emotions.

Little did I know that synchronicity would pull a trick on me. I met Ms Rashmi Aiyappa( founder of the Aashwasan movement), perchance. It was just another unremarkable day, but the reverberations of that chance encounter changed me forever. The peregrination from black hole to existence was sinuous. When you get used to pain, you resist happiness. Our comfort zones pull us back to what we are habituated to. It took a while for me to extricate myself from this tarpit. And all the while, Rashmi/ Aashwasan was patient, guiding me, cajoling, sometimes excoriating and sometimes kind and compassionate. I was obdurate and rebuffed with many opportunities given to me. Humans are brilliant at hurting themselves. The absolute love of Aashwasan uplifted me and created a crucible of safety. It instilled hope, trust, and self-confidence- all those traits which had long abandoned me. I started rediscovering brilliant aspects of myself and life. I discovered new talents and passions which I never knew existed. Life was reborn. My existence was transformed.

I continue to grow. I have not reached the destination and probably never will. But the joy of life has been rekindled. If I could reach where I am today, anybody can. I attribute the miracle to Ms Rashmi Aiyappa and Aashwasan for having wrought this transformation out of me. Infinite gratitude fills my heart when I recollect my journey of 18 years. I become teary-eyed, not with sadness but with a strange ecstasy. At your pinnacle moments, all emotions transcend into a unitary ardour. An ardour that suffuses and raptures.

Words will fail when we try to encapsulate our infinite feelings. In the road of 18 years, I have seen countless lives touched by Ms Rashmi Aiyappa and Aashwasan. Life began again for me, as for so many others. It is befitting that Aashwasan was born on Ms Rashmi Aiyappa's birthday. I wish both Rashmi and Aashwasan a wonderful birthday/anniversary. I know that the journey will impact humankind and change it in ways unimagined. I know that the force harnessed by Ms Rashmi Aiyappa comes from an omnipotent and omniscient existence. From the deepest recesses of my heart, I wish a brilliant journey ahead for Ms Rashmi and Aashwasan. May the light always shine on them. May the spirit of Aashwasan (nature's own) find a humble abode in all living beings.

Aashwasan Services Rashmi Aiyappa