How NOT to Apologise

“Sorry” is a word that has a bit of a mixed reputation, doesn’t it?

Some people think it’s important and necessary, while others see it as a meaningless word. And, unfortunately, so many people have a negative opinion of saying ‘sorry’ that they might avoid using it entirely.

I would argue that it’s not the word itself, but how you use it!

So many times, I see individuals in a mediation who really struggle to believe the other person’s apology. And, I would say it is due to a mixture of things:

·      Someone’s own history with broken trust and insincere apologies.

·      The ‘apologiser’ not feeling remorseful.

·      The ‘apologiser’ committing an apology fallacy – a sincere apology that fails to be seen as sincere.

This third situation is the one that I have spent a lot of time thinking about and talking through in different ways with coaching clients and mediation parties. In fact, I thought about it so much that I created an e-learning course from it, called the ‘Art of an Apology’.

In this course, I came up with 6 Apologiser Fallacies:

1.      The Steam Train

2.      The Shirker

3.      The Persuader

4.      The Elaborator

5.      The Collaborator

6.      The Demonstrator

All of these come from people who do want to apologise but they go about it in a way which doesn’t help the situation, the person they are apologising to, or them. Effectively, they stand in the way of their apology feeling as genuine and sincere as it could.

The Steam Train

Have you ever seen a clip of a train barrelling through an object on the track? The train is there, and milliseconds later has passed and has squashed into smithereens, whatever was in its path. This can be the effect of a steam train apology – the person apologises quickly and briefly, and then is ready for everyone to move on immediately! The remaining feelings of hurt or the natural consequences of behaviour impacting someone are minimised and moved past as quickly as possible.

So, the apologiser leaves feeling satisfied that they apologised but the ‘apologisee’ (my word) still feels a little confused, not quite ready to put the situation in the past, and not quite sure why that apology felt so unsatisfactory as they technically said ‘sorry’.

The Shirker

Here enters the debate on context versus excuses! I would argue that at times it is beneficial for someone apologising to provide context for their actions – especially if it demonstrates their intention or corrects misunderstandings, without minimising the impact of their actions.

However, the shirker apologises and in the next breath tells you why they are only a tiny bit responsible for what happened because of all the other people who also contributed and other situational factors too. This often happens because someone wants the other person to not hold them accountable beyond what they consider to be ‘fair’ or they simply find apologising entirely uncomfortable and confronting.

The Persuader

This is one where the intention can become a little skewed because the apologiser MAY feel a sense of remorse, but the action of the apology comes with attachments. They want their apology to result in the person they are apologising to do something in response.

For example, someone may apologise hoping that by doing so, the other person would help them with a project, lend them some money, return to work, etc.

An apology with attachments totally undermines the initial sense of sincerity and therefore again leaves the other person feeling bewildered and not sure how to receive it.

The Elaborator

If you were in any doubt, the elaborator makes sure you hear ‘sorry’ multiple times in many ways. But why is that a problem?!

Well, unfortunately, it is a ‘quality over quantity’ scenario. If you can genuinely apologise the first time, yes, the other person may need to hear that more than once – particularly if the trust was damaged significantly by the actions – but the elaborator can focus so much on saying the words and making the gestures, that they stop noticing whether that is having a beneficial impact on the other person and the situation.

In fact, it can start looking like the apologiser is self-soothing through the apologies because they want to feel forgiven and let off the hook.

If you want the other person to feel acknowledged, and valued and to know that it wasn’t OK, what steps will help them feel that way? 

The Collaborator

Similarly, to the persuader, the collaborator wants something in exchange for their apology but it’s pretty specific – they apologise, so the other person needs to aswell! In other words, their accountability is part of a joint project, it is not a solo experience.

Yes, there are often two sides to a story, and it is likely that most situations benefit from accountability from everyone for their part in the current situation. However, an apology that cannot stand on its own stops feeling sincere and starts to feel transactional.

The Demonstrator

The controversial one! It is widely accepted that how you behave speaks loudly. However, sometimes behaviour alone is not enough to satisfy a person’s need for clear acknowledgement, in the form of a verbal or written apology.

Sometimes, you really need to just say it! Firstly, because behaviour can quite easily be misinterpreted and, secondly, because it can be incredibly healing when someone specifically acknowledges what they did and the impact of their actions.

So, absolutely, please focus on the behaviours you exhibit after an apology to demonstrate sincerity and a desire to build trust. Just remember that most people benefit from both!

Have any of the above resonated with you? Perhaps, someone has apologised to you in one of the above ways before and now the sense of dissatisfaction with their apology makes sense, or maybe you can reflect on times when you have apologised in one of these ways and why maybe that didn’t lead to total resolution of an issue?

What I hope to demonstrate through this article is that apologies really do matter. It may leave you feeling like it’s become more complicated, so I will leave you with this:

Remember WHY you are apologising in the first place and what you hope to achieve through doing it.

If it starts focusing on you rather than the other person, then you are more likely to react to feelings of discomfort and guilt, which lead to rushing or wanting to be consoled by their apology. If it is about ticking the ‘apology’ box, then you may not appreciate the need for total clarity and follow-up behaviour.

But if you remember why you are doing it, you are more likely to come across as sincere, accountable, and worthy of someone extending their trust again.

For more information on conflict resolution services, including mediation, training, coaching or advisory services, go to www.mosaicmediation.co.uk. To access the mini e-learning course on the ‘Art of an Apology’, click HERE.

Emma Jenkings is a qualified and experienced workplace mediator, conflict coach, assertiveness coach, DISC practitioner and communication skills trainer.