How to approach Difficult Conversations
Lisa Carver PCC
Coaching, Leadership and Team Development for Public and Private Sector
In this Newsletter we will outline 15 Top Tips to support you to effectively and compassionately conduct Difficult Conversations. Scroll down to get straight to the tips.
Sometimes we freeze or potentially go to extreme lengths to avoid pivotal dialogue. This can result in unsafe and unhealthy working cultures, compromised professional standards and under performing teams.
Image from @golimitlesss Instagram
Compassionate Leadership & Difficult Conversations
There is a preconception that compassionate leadership just means being nice to everyone and avoiding conflict. However, it’s quite the opposite. Compassionate leadership means investing our energy into helping people. It takes courage and wisdom to call out behaviour and support people to grow. Good leadership often means getting clear on boundaries and taking the hard road. The good news here is that the more ‘difficult conversations’ you have, the easier they get.
“The culture of any team [organization] is shaped by the worst behaviour the leader is willing to tolerate.” Gruenter and Whitaker (2017)
When we participate in difficult conversations we:
15 Top Tips for Difficult Conversations
1.Design your message
There are a number of structures you can use (see first newsletter image), to open your conversation, state your case and outline your situation. Whether you use them in your discussions or not, applying them to your situation can be a useful preparation exercise. They will help you to get clear on what is upsetting you, why, the impact and what you want.
2. Double check your motives
Get clear on why you are having the conversation? Are your motives healthy? Are you 'point scoring' or are there real benefits (not just for yourself)? Is your story based on facts, hearsay or your perception? Could bias or other influences have got tangled up in your points?
3. Forgive yourself (and others) for feeling emotional
There are many reasons why certain subject make people emotional. Some potential ones: pent up stress, anxiety/fear, sleep deprivation, personal importance of the subject, values and morals have been crossed, unsaid feelings, revealing an emotional wound, shame, biological healing after a trauma.
4. Identify your Trigger points
Which parts of the conversation are the ones which are most likely to trigger your emotions? What do those trigger points tell you about your values? Get clear on why it’s upsetting.
5. Create coping mechanisms
Plan how you will manage yourself if you get upset. What usually stabilises you? The more you flex these self-management techniques, the better you’ll get at it. Distraction, grounding techniques, breathing, counting to 10, letting it all out, drinking water. What generally works for you?
6. Desensitise yourself from the message
Practice saying it, role play it if you can. Take the sting out of it, get concise and clear about the 'nub' of the issue. When it comes to the moment of delivering your message, it might not come out as you planned, that’s ok. The important element is that you took the step and started dialogue.
"When it comes to the moment of delivering your message, it might not come out as you planned, that’s ok. The important element is that you took the step and started dialogue."
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7. Contingency plan
What if they say... Anticipate potential responses, plan for the best & worst case scenarios. How will you respond?
8. Build self-awareness of ‘The Story you are Telling yourself’
How we read and digest situations informs the story we tell ourselves and our ‘self-talk’. We play this story or belief (about the situation or the potential reaction) over and over in our minds, the stories gets louder and the people in the stories can take on bigger and bigger personas. At the same time, the other people involved are likely to also have their heads full of ‘their story’. Question yourself, is it really true? What is fact in this situation vs subjective viewpoints?
9. Consider using incisive questions
The right questions elicit people to search in a new direction, consider a different perspective and be involved in problem solving. For example:
Really listen to their response be prepared to learn something new, you may want to change your approach once you have considered their perspective.
10. Don’t talk in *absolutes* and always mention the positives too
Our stories become richer if we use absolutes; ‘never’, ‘always’, ‘awful’ but this will often paint an inaccurate picture and can provide a trigger for others to dispute. Outline a balanced view. Deliver potential criticisms along with some positives of the relationship or situation. For example:
‘You are brilliant at a, b, and c and we generally work well together. However, recently I have been feeling concerned about a few things and I need to get it out in the open.'
11. Talk tentatively…
Because of the point 8, outline your viewpoint as a ‘story’ rather than disguising it as a hard fact, using phrases such as these…
12. Feel the fear and do it anyway (Great book by Susan Jeffers BTW)
This meeting is likely to feel uncomfortable. The conversation is a step away from your usual communication style, habits and topics. You are breaking new ground. Outline a quick lists of potential costs and benefits if you are having a wobble.
13. Give them time and space
This first conversation is time for you to get your key messages across. Allow them to deliver their response after consideration, you might get a better outcome, rather than a knee-jerk reaction. Allow them time to think about a response. Don’t demand a response straight away. Maybe set up a later meeting. Make it easy for the recipient to take a breath.
14. Get ready to listen
Ask questions then hold the silence and really listen, not just with your ears. Notice the non-verbal communication, drink it all in, be really present. To get more information into the space, use follow on questions to prompt more explanation.
15. Reflect
What went well? What did you learn about the other person’s perspective? How would you handle the situation differently next time? What did you learn about yourself under pressure? How do you feel now? What are the positives and negatives to take from the conversations? How will these outcomes inform the actions you take next? What message or learnings would you give to others about handling difficult conversations?
EPILOGUE
This wasn’t the snappy newsletter we had planned, great if you read to the end. To continue receiving our Leadership Development tips ensure you have subscribed to our newsletter below. If you thought it was useful or any good, please share with colleagues and give it a 'like' or a comment.
We are a team of Masters Level Leadership Coaches and Organisational Psychologists. We design and deliver learning interventions for organisations. If you are interested to learn more about us, drop us an email for a digital brochure or to arrange a chat. info@carvercoaching.co.uk
Chair Transform Housing & Support | Team & Executive Coach | Often in Finance
2yA great collection of ideas there, Lisa!