How to be a Better Ally

How to be a Better Ally

I want to be a better ally. I realise now that allyship is a process, one where you have to be open to learning, willing to change and improve your opinion, and be comfortable with making mistakes. The fact that I am a straight, cisgender woman means I have privilege that other people don’t. To understand how I can better support the LGBTQIA+ community and understand the challenges they face, I need to ask questions, and so I did. 

The acronym PRIDE stands for “Professionalism, Respect, Integrity, Diversity and Excellence”. I had an in-depth conversation with an industry peer (and good friend) who to me embodies the essence of PRIDE. This conversation taught me more in 45 minutes than the array of books I acquire and endlessly dip in and out of. It provided me with new insight, perspective, and real lived experiences (surprising really, especially given we’ve known each other for almost 10 years).

Meet Paul.

Paul is 57-year-old man, with two children and an ex-wife. He also has a wonderful husband. Coming out, for him was an act of courage, one of which he has had to display many times over. As I learnt during our conversation, ‘You don’t just come out once, you come out multiple times – beit a new place, new job, new friends, new people’.

He shared with me as a child, he felt different. An early childhood memory left him knowing even at the age of five, something didn’t feel ‘normal’ – and even then, he wanted to conform. He did what most people do, followed the path society lays out, finish education, get married and have children. He told himself, “Paul one day you will be brave enough to do something about it” - he just didn’t know when that would be. 

He came out at the age of thirty-five. Being open about his sexuality with his parents was petrifying. His identity was wrapped up in being a successful, married,  with kids, and coming from a working-class Welsh town. He was fortunate that they showed him unconditional love. They said, “We don’t understand this, but we’ll get out own help and counselling to help us understand and work through it”. They dug deep.

He came out in summer of 2001 and by autumn, he, and his partner Tom, had started a relationship. It was not an easy time. During those months, Paul faced immense pressure, he’d moved house, his 3yr daughter was sick with life threatening meningitis, his son was only 18 months old, and he was in the middle of moving jobs from EY to Barclays. Despite knowing the impact coming out would have on his family, friends, and children, not to mention the uncertainty that would ensue – it was meeting Tom, that was the catalyst. A genuine connection meant that it felt right and, in his words, “I found the strength to be myself and be the person I wanted to be”. Seeing the power and strength that love can bring warmed my heart.

So what did I learn… that I have my own misconceptions.

This conversation led me to unearth my own pre-conceived ideas about his experiences and challenges. I had an assumption that coming out so many years ago would have been more difficult and that these days in a more open and aware society, the experience would be a little easier for people from the LGBTQIA+ community. I was wrong. Paul didn’t face an onslaught of horrible homophobic experiences when he came out. His environment was largely positive. The people around him were accepting, even if they didn’t fully understand it.

 Challenges we spoke about.

Our conversation covered so much ground, but here are a few points which stuck with me in relation to the challenges Paul sees, and the LGBTQIA+ community face.

• Society is more polarised - on one hand our environment, our world, our culture (or least here in the UK) is very open and it is easy to feel love. On the other, we are also in a place where only this month we see the likes of Laurence Fox burning the pride flag and where a video was leaked of Rishi Sunak, our Prime Minister seemingly mocking transgender people. It feels as though the climate is changing, a horrible side is emerging, and the voice of the far right is allowed to perpetuate. Our institutions are not doing nearly enough especially when it comes to Transgender rights, and this is a worry for young people and for the transgender community in particular.
•  Today feels more unsafe – transphobic bullying is on the rise. Children and young adults don’t see difference, and yet, the most upsetting thing is that because hate exists, coupled with a somewhat ambivalent attitude, means the world feels more unsafe than before. Part of society is doing its best to add in the anti-LGBTQIA+ perspective – it’s cruel.
•  Social media can amplify scary voices - there are people out there who are using social media to scare people and destroy the trans community in particular. The viral nature of social media can have a significant impact – imagine having social media during the 80’s where AIDS was misunderstood. The trouble is, what you see is what you absorb, and who is in control of what you are seeing? Anyone can become a source of news – anyone and everyone can have a voice. In a world where social media amplifies the voices which can make some people feel unsafe, what does allyship need to look like in the digital world?

The role of leaders.

Leaders have a responsibility to create psychologically safe environments, which are inclusive and enable people to do their best work. They need to focus on workplace culture, make people feel welcome and create a sense of belonging. 

• Right from the first point of engagement, the website through to application and interview, people need to be able to connect when looking for a job.
•  Do more than just display the rainbow symbol. Representation is key, make sure you hire, promote and give opportunities to those from those marginalised communities.
•  Build open and inclusive environments, continuously – culture can be designed.
•  Re-write you policies – ensure especially health and family policies are applicable to everyone irrespective of their experience or situation.
•  Have a voice – not just once a year for pride, but consistently. Action needs to be thoughtful. Engage people in the community to help you do that in the right way.

Some wise words

Paul’s advice to his younger self is also for anyone who is dealing with coming out:

• Know that you will be yourself at some point
• Be brave to be you
• You are different – but that’s not wrong, being different is good

 What Paul would tell his future self are wise words for all LGBTQIA+ people doing the work to create truly inclusive spaces:

You’ve –

• done good
• stood for your principles
• found your place
• used your voice
• helped your community
• helped people to find their way
• helped people outside to better understand the challenges of the community

Allyship is a journey.

I understand now allyship is a journey, a process that is ongoing and perpetual. My commitment is to continue to ask questions with the right intention, to expand my social networks to learn from diverse opinions and to use my privilege to help others in the best way I can. There is so much evidence around creating inclusive workforces, a business benefits from attracting and hiring a diverse workforce, being able to give equitable performance feedback, building engaging workplaces where everyone can thrive. The evidence shows it creates high-performing teams and can positively impact the bottom line.

Yet, to me it is more than a business case. There is a very simple notion as one human being to another, how do we do better? Can we seek to better understand each other, learn from each other, support each other, and create a kinder, fairer and more equitable world?

 The only way to do this is through positive action. Being an ally is a verb, it requires us to change behaviour (even our own), challenge systems and be active. Being a bystander is the easy option, you avoid taking risks in fear of getting it wrong, but the job of inclusion is everybody’s responsibility even if we don’t always get it right. Put simply, you need to listen, learn and take action – even if you get it wrong sometimes.

Thank you

I hope that shining a spotlight on inspirational human beings helps to move us forward in the space of diversity, equity and inclusion, creating a sense of belonging for everyone. PRIDE isn’t all glitter and glamour. The history is significant. Today, it is both a celebration and also a protest. The LGBTQIA+ community still face repression and isolation across the world, and until everyone is free, no one is free.

Paul, thank you for for being open with me, for sharing your personal story and for the work you continue you to do, even in spaces where it remains difficult.

As a perfectly imperfect ally, I send the LGBTQIA+ community love and solidarity.

Reading

Here are a couple of books. I help to stretch my thinking:

• Better Allies; Karen Caitlin
• A Dutiful Boy: A Memoir of Secrets, Lies and Family Love; Mohsin Zaidi

Reimagining the way we work, live and lead.