How to build confidence

Our thinking influences what we do (obviously!). That’s how we normally function: we think about something, and then we do it. But it also works the other way around: what we do influences what we think. We can regulate our thinking and beliefs by what we do.

This simple yet powerful mechanism is the foundation for building confidence: you build confidence, indirectly, by doing. But it doesn’t work the other way around: you don’t gain confidence just because someone tells you that “you can do it.” It has little or no effect if you don’t think so yourself. You cannot change simply by deciding to change. Your brain needs proof.

Therefore, to build confidence, you lead with action; you have to start doing the activities you want to be confident in. Initially, that can be in a small way. Next, as you get better and experience that you can actually do something, your brain starts to believe it, and your self-doubt begins to fade. This is called the confidence/competence loop: as you become more competent, you gain more confidence. And with more confidence, you get motivated to challenge yourself even more and improve your competence yet again. It’s a positive spiral.

In that lies another truth about building confidence: it takes effort. There is no shortcut to confidence. Confidence is earned – by work, practice, and repetition.

Break big goals into smaller steps

Don’t just throw yourself into the deep end and hope for the best. That might prove to be too overwhelming. Instead, the proven way is to break big goals into more manageable steps. To build competence – and confidence – it’s best to improve progressively.

In the process, don’t aim for perfect results. It’s a learning process, so it’s expected that your performance won’t be 100 percent. Building confidence is a process of heading in a desired direction with imperfect steps. For example, when presenting to someone, you may stammer, make some mistakes, forget something, or appear slightly nervous. And that’s okay; nobody expects perfection from someone on a learning curve.

And, as there is no shortcut to confidence, expect that it takes time and work. For example, skills like public speaking, tackling conflicts, pitching ideas, receiving critical feedback, having difficult conversations, or negotiating are not learned overnight! These are all skills where competence is gained one small step at a time. This takes time and practice. Like physical exercise, you can’t expect to lift heavy weights without training. So, breaking big goals down into more manageable steps is necessary, with each step slightly outside your comfort zone.

But how much outside of your comfort zone?

The number one rule is that the steps must be challenging. You can make each step as small as it takes – as long as you move in the right direction, and the step is a bit challenging. On the other hand, steps that are too far outside of your comfort zone can be too overwhelming. So, aim for a level where things feel reasonably difficult, the “sweet spot” between too easy and too challenging.

Accept and stay with uncomfortable feelings

When you move outside of your comfort zone, you’ll often feel uncomfortable feelings like anxiety, insecurity, or vulnerability. But if you don’t move beyond your comfort zone, you’re limiting your development to the confines of what you’re comfortable with. That’s probably not what you want.

So (as it should hopefully be clear by now), building confidence requires challenging your comfort zone, i.e., accepting small or medium levels of uncomfortable feelings as part of the process.

However, those feelings are not harmful; they are just unpleasant.

The key to managing them is to accept that the feelings are there. Don’t run away from them; stay with them through the challenging experience or situation. Then, when you’re past your experience, you will have trained your brain – a bit more – to recognize that the “dangerous” feelings aren’t so dangerous after all. And the way to do that is to stay with those uncomfortable feelings. That way, you will get more and more used to them, and they will diminish, little by little, as you build confidence.

For example, if you feel anxious when presenting in an important meeting, you can accept that this emotion is natural and that you cannot do anything about it right now. Don’t fight, dismiss, or try to control the feeling; accept that it is there and carry on – allowing yourself to feel anxious. It is okay.

Accept and learn from mistakes

Challenging your comfort zone means, at the same time, choosing to make (at least some) mistakes. That is unavoidable. If you make no mistakes, you are likely going with too much safety, spending too much time, and taking too little initiative. You’re not pushing your comfort zone.

On the other hand, mistakes are no fun.

So, how do you then manage yourself and the situation when you make mistakes? Here are three tips:

• Focus your energy on learning from your mistakes. In most organizations, the culture accepts that people make mistakes but also expects people not to make the same mistake twice. So, to ensure you don’t repeat it, analyze what happened and figure out what you can do to prevent it from happening in the future.
• Accept that you will make mistakes and that they are part of your learning process. Nobody expects you to make no mistakes. Making mistakes is an unavoidable part of climbing the learning curve. When you think about it this way, mistakes become feedback; they become stepping stones to success. Acknowledge the feelings of frustration, disappointment, or embarrassment – and move on.
• Lighten up and laugh at yourself when you mess up. Perhaps not in the moment, when you need to focus seriously on fixing the mistake, but later on, when telling a supportive friend about what happened. A sense of humour can help you remember that a part of being human is making mistakes!

Perseverance

To build confidence, you must keep going, even when things get tough. And although perseverance doesn’t guarantee success, success is often impossible without it.

A key element in perseverance is good old-fashioned willpower. Self-control and discipline are necessary when problems or discomfort seem unmanageable. Because it’s easy to lose motivation and come up with all kinds of reasons (excuses) to stop. Instead, rely on your self-control. If you don’t, you effectively make yourself a slave to your mood. Not what you want when you want to create results.

Secondly, some optimism is necessary. Optimism is thinking about how things might work instead of (pessimistically) thinking about what could go wrong or what’s missing. Instead of worrying, “What if I can’t?” imagine and visualize “What if I can?!” Especially if you are under pressure, it’s helpful to be optimistic, as optimism expands your comfort zone. It makes you work harder and continue for longer because you have a greater belief that you will succeed. Optimism helps you pull through.

However, a warning: optimism should not be blind or illusionary. It has to be realistic optimism. You must believe that you will eventually succeed and be realistic about the difficulties you may encounter. Think through the possible obstacles and make realistic assumptions about the risks you face and the mistakes you might make. That way, you’ll focus not only on how great it will be to obtain your goal but also on the potential difficulties ahead. And this will inspire you to do the necessary work to reach your goal.

Get support from trusted friends and colleagues

As part of your process, try to get the support of people you genuinely trust and can be open with. Even though you have to do the work yourself, getting the support of others can help you through. Their experience and ideas can help you get perspective when you need it. And perhaps give you a gentle push or the necessary courage when you need to challenge your comfort zone. Talking with someone who is more senior, more experienced, or a trusted friend or family member might be just what you need to take the next step.

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This is the fourth in a series of 14 articles that will convey the main concepts of our book 12 Universal Skills to LinkedIn readers – especially those at the beginning of their careers.

For more on the topic, have a look at our book 12 Universal Skills: The Beginner’s Guide to a Successful Work Life. 

Recommended academic reading:

Aaron T. Beck and Judith S. Beck, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Second Edition: Basics and Beyond (New York: The Guilford Press, 2011).

Albert Bandura, Self-Efficacy: The Exercise of Control (New York: W. H. Freeman, 2012).