How to Build Relationships that Lead to Huge Success in Life & Business

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There are three things to look for when trying to form a memorable connection with someone. I call it "The Communications Trio":

● The “What”;

● The How; and

● Emotional management

The “what” is the message you’re delivering. Knowing exactly what you want to say to someone.

The how is about the art and nuance of social skill. It’s how you’re communicating your “what.” This requires knowing your audience and individualizing the way you communicate (both verbal/written word and also body language) to meet someone exactly where they are.

For example, you’re going to want to provide big-picture details when presenting to a board of directors, whereas you’ll need to focus more on tactical details when speaking with early-career employees.

The emotional management is twofold: it’s how we show up emotionally, and it’s how we want the person we’re speaking with to feel. For you, it could mean preparing and building up confidence to show up as authentically as you can. This could mean verbally rehearsing or recording yourself and watching, to see how you’re doing, before delivering an employee their annual review.

It could also mean managing any fears or anxieties that you have. From the employee side, we want people to feel valued and respected. When an employee has an issue with one of their colleagues, make it clear that you care about both of them. In this situation, de-escalate the emotions by getting to the facts, listening, and calming people with reassuring words.

The “trio” is an easy-to-remember tool that will prepare you for any conversation.

“He Knew the Names of My Kids”

What gifts can you give to others to help build relationships?

I was flying to speak at a conference in Nashville a couple years ago, right after Herb Kelleher, the cofounder and former CEO of Southwest Airlines , passed away in early 2019. I happened to be flying Southwest Airlines directly from Charleston, South Carolina. As I walked up to the gate to ask a question about the flight, I saw one of the employees greeting people with a big smile. She looked full of vim and vigor.

I walked over to her and said hi, and she asked me how I was doing. Given the timing, I decided to ask what her memories were of Herb Kelleher. She paused. I saw her look up with a gleam in her eyes. She wiped a tear away from her eye, looked at me, and said, “D’you know he knew the names of my kids? Always asked me how I was doing—cared for me first as a person. I’ve worked at Southwest for thirty-five years and got to know him very well early in my time here.”

While Southwest certainly used to be a smaller airline, keep in mind it’s estimated that they now have over 70,000 employees. I know what you’re thinking: How could I memorize all of my employees’ names, much less the names of their kids? Spoiler alert—you can’t.

It’s impossible. But it’s worth deciding, What is possible? How can you create camaraderie that gives people such a palpable feeling of belonging that many years later it may bring them to tears? Herb Kelleher had a gift. So do you. What uplifting gifts are you willing to give to your employees?

Get to Know People's Passion and Motivation

A chief financial officer that I coached from a Fortune 500 manufacturing company once told me that he made it a goal to get to know each person’s passion or favorite thing and always remembered it and referenced it in conversations. Get to know someone’s personal interests, what motivates them, and the things that inspire them to do the work that they do.

Make their passion yours. When you’re genuinely excited and curious to learn more about what inspires them and fires them up, it strikes a chord of connection. Some people have a why, and others have their “who,” which is often family and loved ones. Some people love to do activities that bring them a level of excitement.

As we’ve seen, each generation of employees is motivated to pursue a variety of interests outside of work. Your curiosity can guide you to form relationships, and then have the mnemonics (that we referenced earlier) to be able to lock in these passionate areas of interest to build stronger relationships. Maybe they have a passion for volunteering to help underprivileged youth in the community and you find an opportunity to join in, yourself.

This can be professional or personal, and sometimes the passion can be the ultimate goal of where someone wants to go. A CEO that I’ve worked with in athletics administration has regular chats throughout the academic year with his executive staff to understand and support their professional ambitions. Working with thousands of organizations over the years, I can tell you it’s always best to have this relationship candor and let your desires be known when you have a leader who genuinely cares.

To build relationships, you have to be willing to put your ego aside and go "all-in" to get to know someone and form a bond. Only then can you coach, manage and build greater connection around results, ideas and building a high-performing team. What are you willing to commit to doing?

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Christopher D. Connors is the author of The Champion Leader (pre-order now!). He's a keynote speaker, executive coach, and globally recognized expert on emotional intelligence. Christopher consults with executives and leaders at Fortune 1000 companies and with organizations spanning many industries.

He is the #1 best-selling author of Emotional Intelligence for the Modern Leader, one of the top selling emotional intelligence books in the world. He is also the creator of top LinkedIn Learning course, Leading with Emotional Intelligence.