How To Build Your Child's Self Esteem

Why is this on LinkedIn I hear you ask.

What has this got to do with menopause?

Creating and nurturing our offspring is our greatest legacy and life purpose. It is also probably the hardest one to get right, if any of us can. There will always be some challenges along the way, no matter what age we start out on our parenting journey. As life changes and the statistics tell us many are putting off starting a family until later in life. Myself included. So, for some you may be raising youngsters at the very same time your own hormones are heading off. Family life also impacts how we show up in other places so by doing as best we can in one we can do our best in others.

As a parent we aspire to provide our children with high self-esteem, but it is one of those aspects that many struggle to convey. Self-esteem often times seems like a fragile, distant thing that we all know what it is but do not know how to develop. Your self-esteem is a compilation of how you feel about yourself, from your confidence in relationships, to your body image, to your work life. So how do you create this "thing" in your children?  

As a child you probably often heard "honesty is the best policy." This applies to how we deal with our children and how we expect them to deal with us as parents. When it comes to your child's self-esteem, he or she will know or be able to sense if you are not being honest. For example, if art is not your child's top skill, do not say that his or her drawing is the best you have ever seen. Your child will know it is not and will not believe you the next time you say something meant to be positive, no matter how honest it is. Instead, tell your child something genuine about the piece or the effort. Make non-judgmental statements such as, "You really used your imagination in making the flowers different colours." This simply states your observation, rather than a false statement.  

Understand that your child and your child's behavior are two separate things. This can be extremely hard to remember, particularly when your child is acting out in ways that irritate you or that are unsafe. When you discipline your child for the behaviour rather than the person, you can positively influence and foster self-esteem. If your child feels that you are mad, because of who he or she is as a person rather than for the behaviour, this can negatively affect your child's self-esteem. Using "I" statements helps this. Say something like, "I don't like it when you leave your toys scattered all over the floor," which also addresses the behaviour, rather than, "You are a slob," which attacks their character.  

Children are in a situation where everyone else is constantly telling them what to do, when to do it, where to go, and more. Allow your child to make some decisions. When children are allowed to make some choices, even if it is something small, they learn to be self-reliant. You do not want your children growing up feeling dependent on others for direction. Simple choices such as what to wear (you can offer two or three choices) You can make the decision easier, on the child and yourself by offering 2-3 choices, rather than saying just choose as that can be overwhelming. For example, offering two choices of dinner option rather than saying ‘what would you like for dinner.’ This then allows the child to feel like they have made a valuable decision. 

Encourage your children to try new things. Trying new things helps everyone overcome fears of the unknown and helps us learn to deal with success and failure. While there is nothing wrong with encouraging your child's talents--this will help build self-confidence as well--it is also important that your children learn to experiment.  If a child never learns to try new things, this can create problems later in life. Most people do not live in world where everything is the same day after day. By allowing your child to experiment prepares them for adult life’s difficulties. Your child needs to be aware that life is constantly changing, whether it is a move to a new city or starting a new career. If children are experienced at trying new things, even if small, life's bigger transitions will be much easier.   

Developing your child's self-esteem is an ongoing process. Your child will look to you for examples and see how you handle different situations. Some of these they will mimic and others they will do the opposite.  

Each child is an individual and the amount of support and guidance they need will differ. As will the amount of support and guidance you can give. Your personal circumstance will vary and may alter as you raise your children. How you deal with those changes and challenges will be important lessons for your children. I have already mentioned ‘honesty being the best policy’, also bear in mind little ears. As in they hear a lot and often act on what they hear, especially if this comes from someone who nurtures, looks after their every need and they therefore are guided and influenced by. When very young children often repeat what they hear their parents saying, they then believe, as it has come from their parents, it to be true.  

As parents we need to not only be aware of what we say to our children about themselves but about our own circumstance and those around us. We live in a fast-changing world with immediate consequences. If we are always telling our children that our circumstance is unacceptable, they will believe this, accept it as true and feel that these cannot be changed. On the other hand, if we have a difficult circumstance to overcome and show our children that we can overcome this, without affecting them, they will grow from this. For many they do not realise the struggles until older because as parents we do an amazing job of shielding our children from some of the worst that we go through and quite rightly too.  

There are, however, some circumstance that we cannot always shield our children from. Sometimes circumstances are out of our control. The important thing here is how we deal with that time. If the child is aware of challenging times and see you thriving and not giving up, they will learn from this and take note of your strength during challenging times. This will then give them a foundation to draw on when they face challenges in their own life. 

What is important to remember is that you are building a foundation and that can be built one small brick at a time. Have you heard the expression ‘one step at a time’? That is how you build and mould your child’s self-esteem. Taking time to recognize your child for the wonderful person he or she is, combined with a few techniques and consistency will go a long way toward raising a healthy, confident adult.